My Own Saga: One Step to Freedom

Dear friend,

I am actually hesitating to post this right now but I am also typing it so I am clearly not making any sense. This is once again another outburst post so brace yourself for some whines that you might want to slap me. The bonus thing about slapping me is I'll take it.

I actually want to leave the house again just like in my senior year back in college. I want to live in an apartment again and feel the freedom I felt before. I want to experience living away from home especially now that I graduated. There are differences, obviously, between staying in an apartment while studying and while working so I'd like to see those differences.

Another reason why I want to leave the house is to teach the people here a lesson or a few. My brother is so irresponsible and uncontrollable (I don't even regret saying it here) that my parents can't even handle him and I think by leaving home, my parents will have to somehow "rely" (not sure if it's the right word to use) on him and make him act responsibly because he's already a college student and he's still acting so carelessly (except when he's around his girlfriend so that's a bit of a stretch).

I can also use some quiet time because silence is a rare quality in the place I live in. There will always be drunkards around noon almost every day, dogs barking because of these bastards, and those irritating engine noises from motorbikes.

And the most significant reason of them all is to refresh and relearn about independence, self-responsibility, and self-reliance. I have a good friend who lives away from his home since his college years and I really look up to him because he's really oozing this independent and self-reliant aura around him. He knows what he wants and he gets it through his own way. He also became really mature (not saying that he was immature before so please don't take it the wrong way).

Learning about his lifestyle today, I got inspired to actually want to get out of here and living on my own while working. I want to experience relying on myself everyday and I don't have to rush my way back home because I don't want people to worry. It might be possible that by leaving home, I can achieve more as well because of the freedom I'll have. I also want to get away and just live without restraints and learn more about self-responsibility in my actions. And I don't want to live in my house when I reach my 30s because that's kind of sad. It's like I never got out of my parents' (especially my mom's) grasps.

But before all of this becomes possible, I need to look for a job again and I am still torn between freelancing and a stable job. I'd like to have both if it's feasible and I can manage myself (I'd like to see that). I don't want to compare freelancing and a regular job because let's face it; they're just even (unless you're really focused on one side).

I'm still thinking over about my future career so leaving home might take a while as there are a lot of things to consider in making decisions over my future job. I know I can't be picky but I have to make sure that once I signed up, I'll stay there for a long time. I don't want to make another wrong move when it comes to something as big as this.

Thank you for reading this (even though I know that nobody reads this crap) and I hope everything is good and will be good for you in the days to come.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Uncertainty and Vacancy

Dear friend,

Everything's happening so fast these days. Have you noticed that? Well, I have. Even in the slow days, I still feel that they're a little faster than the usual. Is it because I am so preoccupied? Preoccupied to the point of my thoughts almost blocking my concentration? I don't know. All I know is I'm thinking too much that I fail to realize the concept of time and reality. Anyway, I won't dwell on that too much because there's this bigger thing I want to deal with right now.

Tomorrow marks my first week out of work. I know I said it in some social networking site that it's bittersweet. It is indeed bittersweet; sweet because everyone of us in my workplace have new beginnings waiting for them, near or far, and I'd like to maintain that thought because I don't want to feel and think that I've abandoned them especially in a time when only a handful remains. It is also bitter because I'll be leaving them behind, these new friends that I am slowly getting more and more comfortable with because of our number (I hope I'm still coherent and making sense).

I honestly never thought I'd be close or comfortable with my co-workers. I just want to adapt to the workplace and not feel out of place but when the numbers were reduced to only five, we sort of became solid to each other somehow and we became a small but tight-knit team. We're messing with each other but we know when to get serious and when to lose control (not the crazy type of losing control).

And I am missing them so bad. I miss the laughter even if they sometimes think I'm laughing irrationally. I'm just letting off some steam from all the working and processing. I also miss the feel of escapism when we go to lunch together and just laugh at each others' teases and jokes.

My resignation is not actually planned. It's totally unexpected because there's this one opportunity/job offered to me and my friend from production to provide video coverage of the events in a far place (For security purposes, I can't mention the place) and my remaining number of leaves are not enough to cover the days I'll be gone for the coverage so resignation seemed like a safe option instead of AWOL (Absence Without Leave, in case you don't know what it stands for). Another reason is that I am the only feasible partner for my friend in the video coverage since we've been doing this for a while now and we know how we work. If someone else is selected, then he'll have to teach his partner the stuffs all over again so it seemed like a valid reason but still...

I was actually planning to stay longer than four months because I want to redeem myself from the mishap I did in the past. I want to set my record straight and clean and I want to remain there for a while to make my income a source of a solid capital for the business my friend and I were trying to establish: a film production.

Right now, I'm a bum (again) and I'm with my old enemy, uncertainty. I've always feared uncertainty. It almost drove me insanely sad after being idle for quite a long time last year and I don't want to experience that shit again but in this time's circumstances, it looks like the whole ordeal is bound to happen all over again and I have to keep myself sane and stable.

I had a chat with a person I consider dearly significant these past few days and that person mentioned about thinking long term. Then I realized my parents are now considering the thought of retirement. It's not that good because I can't rely on them forever and I have to refresh and learn how to live without the reliance on my parents all over again. I have to learn how to manage without my parents' help. I have to learn how to be self-reliant, self-powered, and self-responsible.

I also have to let this one out: that significant person inspires me to learn how to live independently. I'm of the right age and I just need to equip myself to be capable of handling independence properly. I won't ask for that person's help because I don't want to be someone's burden. I have to learn all of this on my own.

And about that person, I've decided not to talk about it too much anymore. I'll just keep it to myself until something significant happens.

And I think I just ran out of thoughts to pour in this post. But before I go, let me just remind myself of the things I should keep in mind for the whole year (or my whole life):

• Less regrets (or none if possible).
• Keep learning.
• Enter happiness (and other emotions in an opportune time).
• Don't let fear take the steering wheel.

I know there are other things I want to remind myself but these four seems the most significant reminders I need right now. 

Thank you for reading my post today. I wish you well. 

Until the next post.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Mayday

Dear friend,

It's been a while since I last wrote something here. A lot of things happened lately. Let me help you catch up with this poem I wrote and maybe you can help me. You'll see the poem after this letter. Thank you. 

Sincerely,

Zepp

MAYDAY

It started as a tiny seed

It’s planted inside my head

No, it’s not medicinal weed

Unlike what most people said

Then this little seed grew bigger

I watered it with my thoughts

I deemed that it will be better

But my feelings, I have fought

A notion, this bud turned into

And I tried to manage it

But my mind had just lost its screw

And it is about to split

Because now, it is a desire

A scary contemplation

For it is spreading like wildfire

It’s a vicious temptation

I think you are getting a clue

As to what this is about

And I do not know what to do

Right now, I’m giving a shout

What the fuck’s happening to me?

I’ll need a diagnosis

What is this thing I cannot see?

I hope it’s not psychosis

I want to make sense out of this

This phase I am going through

It is not easy to dismiss

This feeling I have for you

Oh God, I want to make it stop

Before I drive myself mad

Or my logic begins to drop

And my days, they might get bad

My Own Saga: Confession in a New Year's Eve

Dear friend,

This is a first. I didn't write any New Year's resolution for 2014. I missed the chance to write on purpose. This is because I think I'll break my resolutions anyway so I decided to skip it.

2013 was another roller coaster for me and it also was a year of full circle. Why? It's because I started 2013 with a new job and the year ended with a new job too. I hope and I'll do my best to keep myself for this one because it'll be hard if I lose my grasp in this second shot.

Looking back at both 2012 and 2013, 2013 has more ups than two years ago and it's better that way. I met a lot of new friends while some left and that's okay. A lot of opportunities were presented along the way and I took them. I learned a lot of things from 2013's events ESPECIALLY on the last day itself. Oh don't get me started on the 31st of December.

But before that, I also did a lot of things which I never thought I'd do in the past. I became a little more confident than before (I really hope so). And I also got to know my limits deeper which is very significant in getting to know myself better.

Now that I mentioned the 31st of December, this day became unexpectedly significant for me because I did something for the first time in my life although it might sound a little weak because I did it differently.

Here's the thing: there's this person I liked for a long time until this affection reached a disturbing level because I've been seeing that person's name anywhere and everywhere I go and it almost drove me insane. A few days before, I thought of finally confessing my affections. I asked my friends first if it's a good idea and I got mixed reactions. Two friends of mine told me it's a good idea to let it out before it consumes me and before it turns into a bigger regret. The other told me it might be an act of self-indulgence in my case.

Then came December 31. I thought about it the whole day, if I should still do it or not. The decision making reached until I think 6 in the evening before leaving the house for a little binge drinking that ended up walking in the war zone of fireworks. I asked another friend if this is not a stupid thing and she said I should do it for no more regrets and it acted like a little push.

I typed the message and sent it through Facebook. I know I could have said it personally but time and space have never accommodated us so meeting is a little difficult. I won't give out the whole message here but the gist of it is that I told that person my affections and I also said that I won't hold any expectations and I said it because I want to say it and I want to move on with my life.

When I returned home, I got a reply saying that that person is speechless and asked me if I sent it to the right person. I said, "Yes. It is."

And that's it.

I don't know if I'll be hearing from that person again or not but I have anticipated both outcomes so if any of the two possible scenarios happens, I'll brace myself. I won't hold any regrets or stress about it because this is what I wanted after all. If that person chose to stay away, I'll miss the presence but I'll respect the decision. But if otherwise, then I guess we'll see. We'll never know what will happen, right?

So there. I think the post is a little shorter than the previous New Year posts but I ran out of words to say and I did not create any New Year's resolution at all so it's all justified. All that remains to be said is: I wish you all well for 2014 and keep your pieces together.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Endure and Survive

Dear friend,

I started working again last week. I'm back to the office world again and I'm thankful for this second chance. I'd like to take this as a redemption because of the mishap I did with my first although there will be some adjustments and sacrifices I have to make along the way.

I almost got used to the slacker lifestyle; I'm referring to the homebody type of life. I almost indulged myself with the perks of staying at home and cruising through the day. I need to change that since I need this job for a lot of things. One thing is a camera for business and artistic purposes. But I'll have to endure to survive and maintain my composure and sanity before I get to that sub-goal. So I need to adjust myself for I still think I'm stuck in the transition or I think I have what is known as the "post-graduate syndrome".

Going back to my work, the workplace is all right. The atmosphere's pretty light but the challenges set the pressure. People there are really welcoming and cool. They're really hospitable since day 1. But there's one thing I don't like in the workplace is its location.

The workplace is set in one of the busiest places in the world or perhaps, the busiest place in my world. The flow of traffic there sucks my soul and I mean literally because it really drains my energy from going there to going home.

First, I have to wait for 40 minutes to an hour for a ride to work. Then, the travel time lasts for around two hours because of the heavy flow of traffic and a huge volume of cars on the road. Almost every road we take is fucking congested. There is rarely a smooth moment during the travels unless I go to work in the weekends and holidays which might be a rare thing [I hope].

Of course, life in that particular city is fucking expensive. The travel fare is damn expensive. The food can be pricey too if you choose to eat in a good place. There are decent places to eat like the fast food chains though my appetite won't be satisfied in those stores. Thankfully, the workplace offers food in a reasonable way so expenses are lessened a little.

The city also tests my limits and patience because there will always be challenges everyday like lines in terminals and congested traffic conditions at night. I even thought of staying a little late just to get home smoothly though it's not really a recommended idea since I live far and I have to sleep early just to get to work on time.

One thing I have to sacrifice is my passion and you perhaps have some idea of what that passion is so I will not elaborate that anymore. I'll have to sacrifice a little of that passion to sustain and support myself and even contribute to the family as well. I can't rely on my parents forever since they only have a few years before retiring.

My friends and I started a film production last year and we recently thought of turning it into a source of profit as well. That explains the reason for the need of a camera. The idea is quite nice because I can actually practice my skills from my course and make money out of the experience too. It's a nice package to be honest. But first, I have to finish the transition and get out of the "post-grad syndrome" to finally establish my foundations firmly.

Damn. I think I should be sleeping too since I have work tomorrow. I'm still getting used again to the idea of waking up early again. It's like going back to school except you're not dealing with people who are mostly like my age and every action I'll make and take will weigh the outcome in the coming days and months.

So I guess I'll stop here for now. It's been nice to write again. I just hope to get through this unscathed or at least with a few scratches along the way.

I'll have to remember this as well for motivation:

"ENDURE AND SURVIVE."

Sincerely,

Zepp 

My Own Saga: Lost in the Smoke

Dear friend,

It's been a while since I last wrote here. A lot of things happened when I was gone. Many left while some stayed... or something along those lines. I'm a little intoxicated right now. My head is a little woozy but I can't sleep yet since I feel the urge to write something here. Well, it's because I felt I sort of abandoned this blog to be exact.

What's happening with me right now, you may ask? I was busy these past 5 months. I was busy with being a production assistant in several films and one television series. The whole experience was tiring yet rewarding since I met a lot of good people. They were really fun. I think I mentioned them in my previous posts.

Right now, I'm not preoccupied with any projects. I'm getting a little unmotivated with transcribing materials. I've been busy with other things like making short films and skits with my friends and covering events for clients. I've been looking for jobs again. I'll apply for another job tomorrow. I hope to nail this one because practically speaking, I really need a stable job with a fixed income.

My mom has been complaining for quite a while because I don't have a regular job and she keeps on saying that I should have a job that has a fixed income and benefits. I understand her point and it somehow convinced me to look for another job once more because the transcribing gig is unpredictable when it comes to distributing income. I'm also almost broke so I also need to earn money to save up for a camera.

That's my professional and financial status so far. About my personal life, all I can say is that it's a little messed up, both positively and negatively. It's positive because my life is not monotonous and it's negative because I'm sort of losing control over myself.

I've been smoking since July. I know it's not good yet I keep on smoking. I'm NOT a chain smoker though and I can pull off a maximum of two weeks so far without smoking. I think I only smoke when I'm under stress and with my friends. I don't smoke at home or near its premises or my life will get more wild and "dramatic". I consider smoking as a "guilty pleasure" and I want to stop before something bad develops. I've also been eating too much sweets so I need to lessen that too.

About the affections, they somehow decreased but they tend to resurface when these persons reappear in any form in my life like for example, this particular person's name keeps on appearing in my face anywhere and anytime and I'm like, "What the fuck, fate? What are you trying to say?" Excuse my language. Then, for the second person, I've been thinking of talking to that person and try to be friends again. I know I messed up but I need that person for motivation. I don't care about intimacy. I need motivation.

Speaking of motivation, I really do need motivation right now. I remember one friend told me that I'm weird but my weirdness is okay because I tend to surprise people with the things I'm capable of and I was also surprised of that about myself too. When she said that to me, I miss that part of myself where I try to prove to myself and to other people the things I can do. I miss being inspired, motivated, and driven. I miss the energy and adrenaline pushing me to do things.

Now, I'm loose. I am confused and lost. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm heading. I'm still searching for a form of motivation or inspiration. I want that kind of motivation back in my life again because I want to be proud of myself more. I don't want to feel helpless or reckless. I don't want to self-destruct anymore.

I don't want to stray further.

I want to get back on track.

So there you have it. I think I just summarized the happenings of my life so far. Either that or I might be forgetting more details but I can't write them anymore because I can't remember or think anymore of what to add here.

I really suck at ending my posts. I miss writing though. I miss writing poems and scripts. All I need is inspiration so I'll just keep on looking.

Thank you for staying and reading all these blubbering from my mind.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Misplaced Affections in the Smoke

Dear friend,

As it turned out, my plan did not work out. Well, it wasn't set into motion actually but it's not because of me this time. I tried to communicate with the person I'm trying to reach out. I tried to settle my matters but looks like my efforts were in vain and perhaps, they were ignored. Maybe I am too late or maybe I'm desperate as one of my friends said.

Maybe the feelings died or maybe there's nothing at all.

I don't know the real reason.

Should I still go after it or should I let it go?

I'm almost near in finally having an answer to that question and it's leaning towards the latter. It's obvious that that person doesn't want to see me at all so why bother although I also thought that I should try at least to say what I feel for that person but this time, the personal way won't happen for a long shot so I might tell it through Facebook or through text messaging or any form of electronic communication.

But it sucks, you know? It sucks because there might be no feeling of sincerity or reality if I send a message saying that I like that person. But what can I do? That person won't make time so I'll really rely on the resources I have to get that message across though I have to really think about saying it or just bury it inside me. If I keep it, the feeling might resurface. If I say it, there's a strong chance I can finally let go if nothing still happens after getting that message across. At least, I won't wallow if I don't get the desired outcome because I know that the chances are slim for me.

On another note, I've been hanging out with my friends and I introduced hookah to them a month ago which they enjoyed. My siblings introduced that to me before I showed it to my friends. At first, it was okay but a few weeks later, I think it triggered one of my friends to start smoking. As of last Sunday, he consumes one pack of cigarettes a day and I'm worried.

I never thought that he was a smoker. He never told us he smoked during his high school or college days. I presumed he was a non-smoker but when he smoked for the first time in front of my friends (I was absent that time), another friend told me he smokes as if he already knew how to smoke before.

Last Sunday, I tried smoking too. I had a stick and I don't know if I liked the feeling or not but I ended up having a headache when I went home after our hookah session at a coffee shop. The menthol flavor felt like it's piercing my throat. But at least, I finally tried it and I now know what it feels like when smoking. I don't know if I'll try it again in the future but let's hope I won't because I really don't like its side effects.

What else... I have a week off that started last Sunday and it'll just be until Friday because the lead actress of the show I'm employed at had another shoot for another show so she's not available for our scheduled shooting days. I'll be heading back to the location this Saturday.

I'm actually having a good time during the shoots for that particular show I'm in. The people there are really awesome to work with. They're actually funny and when it's serious, they're also really serious as that's how we're supposed to act during work. I'm okay with the compensation because it's the experience that counts anyway.

Well, that's it. Thank you for your time in reading this. I don't mean to blurt this all out here but I just want to let it out so thanks.

Sincerely,

Zepp