My Own Saga: One Step to Freedom

Dear friend,

I am actually hesitating to post this right now but I am also typing it so I am clearly not making any sense. This is once again another outburst post so brace yourself for some whines that you might want to slap me. The bonus thing about slapping me is I'll take it.

I actually want to leave the house again just like in my senior year back in college. I want to live in an apartment again and feel the freedom I felt before. I want to experience living away from home especially now that I graduated. There are differences, obviously, between staying in an apartment while studying and while working so I'd like to see those differences.

Another reason why I want to leave the house is to teach the people here a lesson or a few. My brother is so irresponsible and uncontrollable (I don't even regret saying it here) that my parents can't even handle him and I think by leaving home, my parents will have to somehow "rely" (not sure if it's the right word to use) on him and make him act responsibly because he's already a college student and he's still acting so carelessly (except when he's around his girlfriend so that's a bit of a stretch).

I can also use some quiet time because silence is a rare quality in the place I live in. There will always be drunkards around noon almost every day, dogs barking because of these bastards, and those irritating engine noises from motorbikes.

And the most significant reason of them all is to refresh and relearn about independence, self-responsibility, and self-reliance. I have a good friend who lives away from his home since his college years and I really look up to him because he's really oozing this independent and self-reliant aura around him. He knows what he wants and he gets it through his own way. He also became really mature (not saying that he was immature before so please don't take it the wrong way).

Learning about his lifestyle today, I got inspired to actually want to get out of here and living on my own while working. I want to experience relying on myself everyday and I don't have to rush my way back home because I don't want people to worry. It might be possible that by leaving home, I can achieve more as well because of the freedom I'll have. I also want to get away and just live without restraints and learn more about self-responsibility in my actions. And I don't want to live in my house when I reach my 30s because that's kind of sad. It's like I never got out of my parents' (especially my mom's) grasps.

But before all of this becomes possible, I need to look for a job again and I am still torn between freelancing and a stable job. I'd like to have both if it's feasible and I can manage myself (I'd like to see that). I don't want to compare freelancing and a regular job because let's face it; they're just even (unless you're really focused on one side).

I'm still thinking over about my future career so leaving home might take a while as there are a lot of things to consider in making decisions over my future job. I know I can't be picky but I have to make sure that once I signed up, I'll stay there for a long time. I don't want to make another wrong move when it comes to something as big as this.

Thank you for reading this (even though I know that nobody reads this crap) and I hope everything is good and will be good for you in the days to come.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Uncertainty and Vacancy

Dear friend,

Everything's happening so fast these days. Have you noticed that? Well, I have. Even in the slow days, I still feel that they're a little faster than the usual. Is it because I am so preoccupied? Preoccupied to the point of my thoughts almost blocking my concentration? I don't know. All I know is I'm thinking too much that I fail to realize the concept of time and reality. Anyway, I won't dwell on that too much because there's this bigger thing I want to deal with right now.

Tomorrow marks my first week out of work. I know I said it in some social networking site that it's bittersweet. It is indeed bittersweet; sweet because everyone of us in my workplace have new beginnings waiting for them, near or far, and I'd like to maintain that thought because I don't want to feel and think that I've abandoned them especially in a time when only a handful remains. It is also bitter because I'll be leaving them behind, these new friends that I am slowly getting more and more comfortable with because of our number (I hope I'm still coherent and making sense).

I honestly never thought I'd be close or comfortable with my co-workers. I just want to adapt to the workplace and not feel out of place but when the numbers were reduced to only five, we sort of became solid to each other somehow and we became a small but tight-knit team. We're messing with each other but we know when to get serious and when to lose control (not the crazy type of losing control).

And I am missing them so bad. I miss the laughter even if they sometimes think I'm laughing irrationally. I'm just letting off some steam from all the working and processing. I also miss the feel of escapism when we go to lunch together and just laugh at each others' teases and jokes.

My resignation is not actually planned. It's totally unexpected because there's this one opportunity/job offered to me and my friend from production to provide video coverage of the events in a far place (For security purposes, I can't mention the place) and my remaining number of leaves are not enough to cover the days I'll be gone for the coverage so resignation seemed like a safe option instead of AWOL (Absence Without Leave, in case you don't know what it stands for). Another reason is that I am the only feasible partner for my friend in the video coverage since we've been doing this for a while now and we know how we work. If someone else is selected, then he'll have to teach his partner the stuffs all over again so it seemed like a valid reason but still...

I was actually planning to stay longer than four months because I want to redeem myself from the mishap I did in the past. I want to set my record straight and clean and I want to remain there for a while to make my income a source of a solid capital for the business my friend and I were trying to establish: a film production.

Right now, I'm a bum (again) and I'm with my old enemy, uncertainty. I've always feared uncertainty. It almost drove me insanely sad after being idle for quite a long time last year and I don't want to experience that shit again but in this time's circumstances, it looks like the whole ordeal is bound to happen all over again and I have to keep myself sane and stable.

I had a chat with a person I consider dearly significant these past few days and that person mentioned about thinking long term. Then I realized my parents are now considering the thought of retirement. It's not that good because I can't rely on them forever and I have to refresh and learn how to live without the reliance on my parents all over again. I have to learn how to manage without my parents' help. I have to learn how to be self-reliant, self-powered, and self-responsible.

I also have to let this one out: that significant person inspires me to learn how to live independently. I'm of the right age and I just need to equip myself to be capable of handling independence properly. I won't ask for that person's help because I don't want to be someone's burden. I have to learn all of this on my own.

And about that person, I've decided not to talk about it too much anymore. I'll just keep it to myself until something significant happens.

And I think I just ran out of thoughts to pour in this post. But before I go, let me just remind myself of the things I should keep in mind for the whole year (or my whole life):

• Less regrets (or none if possible).
• Keep learning.
• Enter happiness (and other emotions in an opportune time).
• Don't let fear take the steering wheel.

I know there are other things I want to remind myself but these four seems the most significant reminders I need right now. 

Thank you for reading my post today. I wish you well. 

Until the next post.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Mayday

Dear friend,

It's been a while since I last wrote something here. A lot of things happened lately. Let me help you catch up with this poem I wrote and maybe you can help me. You'll see the poem after this letter. Thank you. 

Sincerely,

Zepp

MAYDAY

It started as a tiny seed

It’s planted inside my head

No, it’s not medicinal weed

Unlike what most people said

Then this little seed grew bigger

I watered it with my thoughts

I deemed that it will be better

But my feelings, I have fought

A notion, this bud turned into

And I tried to manage it

But my mind had just lost its screw

And it is about to split

Because now, it is a desire

A scary contemplation

For it is spreading like wildfire

It’s a vicious temptation

I think you are getting a clue

As to what this is about

And I do not know what to do

Right now, I’m giving a shout

What the fuck’s happening to me?

I’ll need a diagnosis

What is this thing I cannot see?

I hope it’s not psychosis

I want to make sense out of this

This phase I am going through

It is not easy to dismiss

This feeling I have for you

Oh God, I want to make it stop

Before I drive myself mad

Or my logic begins to drop

And my days, they might get bad

My Own Saga: Confession in a New Year's Eve

Dear friend,

This is a first. I didn't write any New Year's resolution for 2014. I missed the chance to write on purpose. This is because I think I'll break my resolutions anyway so I decided to skip it.

2013 was another roller coaster for me and it also was a year of full circle. Why? It's because I started 2013 with a new job and the year ended with a new job too. I hope and I'll do my best to keep myself for this one because it'll be hard if I lose my grasp in this second shot.

Looking back at both 2012 and 2013, 2013 has more ups than two years ago and it's better that way. I met a lot of new friends while some left and that's okay. A lot of opportunities were presented along the way and I took them. I learned a lot of things from 2013's events ESPECIALLY on the last day itself. Oh don't get me started on the 31st of December.

But before that, I also did a lot of things which I never thought I'd do in the past. I became a little more confident than before (I really hope so). And I also got to know my limits deeper which is very significant in getting to know myself better.

Now that I mentioned the 31st of December, this day became unexpectedly significant for me because I did something for the first time in my life although it might sound a little weak because I did it differently.

Here's the thing: there's this person I liked for a long time until this affection reached a disturbing level because I've been seeing that person's name anywhere and everywhere I go and it almost drove me insane. A few days before, I thought of finally confessing my affections. I asked my friends first if it's a good idea and I got mixed reactions. Two friends of mine told me it's a good idea to let it out before it consumes me and before it turns into a bigger regret. The other told me it might be an act of self-indulgence in my case.

Then came December 31. I thought about it the whole day, if I should still do it or not. The decision making reached until I think 6 in the evening before leaving the house for a little binge drinking that ended up walking in the war zone of fireworks. I asked another friend if this is not a stupid thing and she said I should do it for no more regrets and it acted like a little push.

I typed the message and sent it through Facebook. I know I could have said it personally but time and space have never accommodated us so meeting is a little difficult. I won't give out the whole message here but the gist of it is that I told that person my affections and I also said that I won't hold any expectations and I said it because I want to say it and I want to move on with my life.

When I returned home, I got a reply saying that that person is speechless and asked me if I sent it to the right person. I said, "Yes. It is."

And that's it.

I don't know if I'll be hearing from that person again or not but I have anticipated both outcomes so if any of the two possible scenarios happens, I'll brace myself. I won't hold any regrets or stress about it because this is what I wanted after all. If that person chose to stay away, I'll miss the presence but I'll respect the decision. But if otherwise, then I guess we'll see. We'll never know what will happen, right?

So there. I think the post is a little shorter than the previous New Year posts but I ran out of words to say and I did not create any New Year's resolution at all so it's all justified. All that remains to be said is: I wish you all well for 2014 and keep your pieces together.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Endure and Survive

Dear friend,

I started working again last week. I'm back to the office world again and I'm thankful for this second chance. I'd like to take this as a redemption because of the mishap I did with my first although there will be some adjustments and sacrifices I have to make along the way.

I almost got used to the slacker lifestyle; I'm referring to the homebody type of life. I almost indulged myself with the perks of staying at home and cruising through the day. I need to change that since I need this job for a lot of things. One thing is a camera for business and artistic purposes. But I'll have to endure to survive and maintain my composure and sanity before I get to that sub-goal. So I need to adjust myself for I still think I'm stuck in the transition or I think I have what is known as the "post-graduate syndrome".

Going back to my work, the workplace is all right. The atmosphere's pretty light but the challenges set the pressure. People there are really welcoming and cool. They're really hospitable since day 1. But there's one thing I don't like in the workplace is its location.

The workplace is set in one of the busiest places in the world or perhaps, the busiest place in my world. The flow of traffic there sucks my soul and I mean literally because it really drains my energy from going there to going home.

First, I have to wait for 40 minutes to an hour for a ride to work. Then, the travel time lasts for around two hours because of the heavy flow of traffic and a huge volume of cars on the road. Almost every road we take is fucking congested. There is rarely a smooth moment during the travels unless I go to work in the weekends and holidays which might be a rare thing [I hope].

Of course, life in that particular city is fucking expensive. The travel fare is damn expensive. The food can be pricey too if you choose to eat in a good place. There are decent places to eat like the fast food chains though my appetite won't be satisfied in those stores. Thankfully, the workplace offers food in a reasonable way so expenses are lessened a little.

The city also tests my limits and patience because there will always be challenges everyday like lines in terminals and congested traffic conditions at night. I even thought of staying a little late just to get home smoothly though it's not really a recommended idea since I live far and I have to sleep early just to get to work on time.

One thing I have to sacrifice is my passion and you perhaps have some idea of what that passion is so I will not elaborate that anymore. I'll have to sacrifice a little of that passion to sustain and support myself and even contribute to the family as well. I can't rely on my parents forever since they only have a few years before retiring.

My friends and I started a film production last year and we recently thought of turning it into a source of profit as well. That explains the reason for the need of a camera. The idea is quite nice because I can actually practice my skills from my course and make money out of the experience too. It's a nice package to be honest. But first, I have to finish the transition and get out of the "post-grad syndrome" to finally establish my foundations firmly.

Damn. I think I should be sleeping too since I have work tomorrow. I'm still getting used again to the idea of waking up early again. It's like going back to school except you're not dealing with people who are mostly like my age and every action I'll make and take will weigh the outcome in the coming days and months.

So I guess I'll stop here for now. It's been nice to write again. I just hope to get through this unscathed or at least with a few scratches along the way.

I'll have to remember this as well for motivation:

"ENDURE AND SURVIVE."

Sincerely,

Zepp 

My Own Saga: Lost in the Smoke

Dear friend,

It's been a while since I last wrote here. A lot of things happened when I was gone. Many left while some stayed... or something along those lines. I'm a little intoxicated right now. My head is a little woozy but I can't sleep yet since I feel the urge to write something here. Well, it's because I felt I sort of abandoned this blog to be exact.

What's happening with me right now, you may ask? I was busy these past 5 months. I was busy with being a production assistant in several films and one television series. The whole experience was tiring yet rewarding since I met a lot of good people. They were really fun. I think I mentioned them in my previous posts.

Right now, I'm not preoccupied with any projects. I'm getting a little unmotivated with transcribing materials. I've been busy with other things like making short films and skits with my friends and covering events for clients. I've been looking for jobs again. I'll apply for another job tomorrow. I hope to nail this one because practically speaking, I really need a stable job with a fixed income.

My mom has been complaining for quite a while because I don't have a regular job and she keeps on saying that I should have a job that has a fixed income and benefits. I understand her point and it somehow convinced me to look for another job once more because the transcribing gig is unpredictable when it comes to distributing income. I'm also almost broke so I also need to earn money to save up for a camera.

That's my professional and financial status so far. About my personal life, all I can say is that it's a little messed up, both positively and negatively. It's positive because my life is not monotonous and it's negative because I'm sort of losing control over myself.

I've been smoking since July. I know it's not good yet I keep on smoking. I'm NOT a chain smoker though and I can pull off a maximum of two weeks so far without smoking. I think I only smoke when I'm under stress and with my friends. I don't smoke at home or near its premises or my life will get more wild and "dramatic". I consider smoking as a "guilty pleasure" and I want to stop before something bad develops. I've also been eating too much sweets so I need to lessen that too.

About the affections, they somehow decreased but they tend to resurface when these persons reappear in any form in my life like for example, this particular person's name keeps on appearing in my face anywhere and anytime and I'm like, "What the fuck, fate? What are you trying to say?" Excuse my language. Then, for the second person, I've been thinking of talking to that person and try to be friends again. I know I messed up but I need that person for motivation. I don't care about intimacy. I need motivation.

Speaking of motivation, I really do need motivation right now. I remember one friend told me that I'm weird but my weirdness is okay because I tend to surprise people with the things I'm capable of and I was also surprised of that about myself too. When she said that to me, I miss that part of myself where I try to prove to myself and to other people the things I can do. I miss being inspired, motivated, and driven. I miss the energy and adrenaline pushing me to do things.

Now, I'm loose. I am confused and lost. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm heading. I'm still searching for a form of motivation or inspiration. I want that kind of motivation back in my life again because I want to be proud of myself more. I don't want to feel helpless or reckless. I don't want to self-destruct anymore.

I don't want to stray further.

I want to get back on track.

So there you have it. I think I just summarized the happenings of my life so far. Either that or I might be forgetting more details but I can't write them anymore because I can't remember or think anymore of what to add here.

I really suck at ending my posts. I miss writing though. I miss writing poems and scripts. All I need is inspiration so I'll just keep on looking.

Thank you for staying and reading all these blubbering from my mind.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Incoherent Crap

Dear friend,

We all know that emotions enhances the experience of life. It sort of gives more life to the experiences and encounters during our lives. But sometimes, emotions derail us from logic and rationality. What's worse is that I'm emotional. I'm actually too emotional for a man's standards or maybe, the ideal level of emotion for men if there's such a thing or maybe, I'm rambling on like an idiot, saying things that don't exist.

I'm having troubles reaching out to people these past two or three days. I suddenly doubt if I really belong to where I am right now or maybe I should just loosen up and open myself to others. But it seems hard especially when other people see this other side. I'm thinking too much about what happens if they see me that way. Will they just go on with their lives or will they leave me behind?

I used to think that being alone is a nice thing because it helps me think and understand more about the things I'm trying to process but when I reached the senior year of my college life, I realized that I need friends to lighten up, help me comprehend what's happening, and even give me an orientation of the things I haven't experienced in my life.

You see, I've been spending my time too much in my shelter. I give in to my fears and I hate myself for that. When I see or hear people experiencing new things or they know these things I don't, I feel bad for myself to the point of regret and beating myself up for not doing these things.

That's why I need friends these days. It's because I don't want to think too much anymore. When I think too much, I spiral down to the point of breakdown and I don't want it to happen anymore. I want to move on and get out. I want to enjoy life with other people. But because of the fear, I hesitate and pull out and I want to punch myself so bad that I almost want to hate myself for being idle and for giving in to the fear.

I apologize if this post is so incoherent that you will get lost in this mess of mine. I just want to let this out and I can't express this vocally. I always end up hesitating when saying these things out from my mouth. I just want to write these things all out. I know the effect is not really that much and I know that I think no one or only one person reads the crap I'm posting beside myself.

I just want to improve and adjust. I want to understand. I want to get out.

Please. 

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Starting Over

Dear friend,

As you can see, this is my first post for 2013. Hooray. But it's not really a breakthrough so we can scrap the confetti aside and just get on with the point.

For several months since my graduation, I have been struggling to get a job and stay in one. It's not that I quit so soon from my previous job because I can't handle it. There's another reason which concerns about the salary that made me stop and technically, my "job" is not really a job but more of a side project. But I enjoy my three or four months there.

The people who were my workmates were pretty nice and cool. They are all older than me and most of them have families of their own so when I work with them, there is this feel that I am their youngest brother or something. They are not really too serious because they know how to have fun and when to crack up jokes but when everyone's serious, they are all dead serious about what they're doing.

But the end inevitably came a little soon. I had to stop coming in because I was getting a bit underpaid. I am not the only one who faced this problem but every one of us within that group has that problem. The cause lies within the clients who are not paying punctually and fully.

I think they still haven't paid my workmates even after I left. I felt bad about stopping and sort of abandoning them but I can't ask my parents for travel expenses for long. I also can't ask too much from my boss there for my salary because the salary comes from his own wallet and not from the budget that was supposed to be filled up from the clients' payment.

So I stopped coming there. It was easy to get out because there's no contract involved about my work there. The only thing I signed there is a confidentiality contract about the project we worked on during my time there.

Well, looks like I told too much about one of my previous predicaments last year. Let me move on to the new deal.

I'm about to start with my new job this coming Monday and I am both excited and nervous for this one. I am excited because of a lot of new possibilities inside like new friends and new things to learn but I am also nervous if I can handle this or not. By the way, I can't tell the specifics but I can assure you that it is legal.

My friend who referred me to that job and company tells a lot of stories about her working experiences there and at first, she seems to enjoy it but as her training ends and the real nature of her job started, she slowly started to get stressed and from stories of enjoyment, her stories turned into stressful moments about the job.

I listened to her stories because I'm being a friend and she wants to let out her stress from her work but her stories affected me to the point that I question myself if I can handle the job as soon as training ends. I really hope whatever I learn during the training will stick with me for a long time.

Besides the anxiety, I am also excited like I said before because this is a fresh start for me. With a fresh start come new possibilities like new friends and new experiences. I'm also excited for the lessons I'll learn during the training. And I actually want this excitement to dominate over my anxiety. I don't want the fear to ruin this new opportunity for me.

Speaking of new opportunity, I want to take this job as a springboard or introduction for me to the concept of having a job with a decent pay. I would like to use the job to get the feel of the possible kind of environment I'll encounter in the future when it comes to offices and workplaces.

I also want to think about it as some kind of a memorable experience where even if this is not my dream job, I manage to have fun while working because of the people I will be working with in the days ahead.

I just hope I'll last long in this job and if I slip, I'll stand up and be on my feet quickly because there's no time for grasping the situation when it comes to working. You have to be fast on your feet, be flexible, and be prepared for everything that comes along the way.

Wish me luck in this new start and I wish you luck with your current and future endeavors and challenges.

Sincerely, 

Zepp

New Year's Resolution and Shit

I only have a few more minutes to accomplish this and I still don't know how I'll pull this one off. You see, 2012 has been one hell of a year for me. Most days are not dull and there are days that are indeed dull. I don't know if I learned a lot of things this year because even if I did, this crazy mind of mine keeps making me the same mistakes I want to avoid for a long time. I hate my mind. I hate it for making me do these stupid and illogical things I can't even explain to myself why I did them.

Instead of being outside, I opted to stay in my room and try to get this post over with. I have been struggling to write this post for a while now. I don't know why I can't write what I should have written a few hours before and even things I should have done before. WHOA. Where the hell did that statement come from!? See!? My mind is now playing tricks on me. I am really sorry for being unstable. Honest. I really am sorry.

I can see a lot of beautiful fireworks going off in the sky so I better get this over with now. So where should I start?

Well, first thing is the transition. I struggled to change and adjust to a lot of things and I think I have failed to adjust to most things, especially to love. I blame my unstable and messed up emotional state for this. I had a withdrawal to what is supposed to be my first significant relationship with the opposite sex and yet, I don't know if I blew it or not. I don't really know if I really like her or just admire her for who she is.

There's also the delayed adjustment from being a student to a young professional or young adult (since I still have yet to experience a job next year). I had some attempts to get my life started on being a young professional and yet, the grip seems to be weak so it somehow let me go for an immature amount of time because of some circumstances and controversies (and no, I am not involve with the controversies around).

Third and possibly last is my fragile and unstable mind state. Not just the emotional state but also my mental state. You might think I am sort of a lunatic right now. You be the judge. But I am still troubled on a lot of things that I cannot explain and enumerate what things are bothering me right now because I am distracted with the time pressure and the fireworks outside. You have to forgive and believe me. (Why am I saying this thing if there is no one reading this crap I am writing?)

Okay. I think I may have written too much about what's on my mind this concluding year. Time to move on to the next part of the post: the New Year's resolution.

***

I am once again here writing a New Year's resolution that I don't know if I can accomplish all of these or maybe most of these in the coming year. But I really hope I can fulfill them without hesitations and without fear because I really could use to change. 

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION 2013

1. No more tears and fears for the new year. I don't want to hesitate on doing most things I want to do except if I know that it will lead to a mistake. I want to fully live my life without the fear of having a lot of regrets.
2. No more impulsiveness, no more recklessness. I have been too impulsive (to my idealism) this concluding year and because of this, I have become reckless and somehow irresponsible for my actions. Thus, I think of myself as immature, still and unfortunately. I don't want to be in this state anymore. I need to grow up.
3. Make responsibility an ability. In connection with the previous item, I have to responsible with my actions to avoid more regrets in the future. I have already blown some opportunities and experiences to myself. I do not want to torture myself anymore because of the regrets and stupidities.
4. Less whining, more living. For the past year, I have been whining more and living less. I failed to live my life to the fullest. So in the spirit of the new year, I will try my best to acknowledge life how it should be acknowledged and throw away the whines.
5. Be emotionally healthy.  I don't want to torture myself anymore. I don't want to be conflicted and confused because of my frail emotional state. If I need to talk to someone, I'll have to find someone from now on. I don't have to keep a lot of things to myself from here on.
6. Consideration will sometimes be an option. This item is a little weird because I am not sure of the construction of the sentence. From now on, I have to consider some of my actions especially if these actions will affect a lot of people and not only that but if they will have a huge effect in my life.
7. Love thy self. This is in connection with number five. If I need to be emotionally healthy, I must learn to accept my flaws and love myself first. 
8. Lurking is not helping. Lurking and dwelling in the past has never been helpful to anyone, not even to me. I know that a lot of people have said this to me and I should have moved on a long time ago. So in the spirit of the new year (again), I'll be leaving a lot of things behind and just embrace the new year.
9. Prove them wrong once in a while. People sometimes talk like hell that drags me down. This coming year, I would like to prove them wrong and I would love to see their faces after. It's not an issue of pride, okay?

Once again, if I forget some things, I will try to add them here later but I only have two minutes before 2012 is over so I have to get this over with.

For those who stayed with me until the end, thank you. For the new friends, it's nice to meet you and I hope to see you people more. For the people I admire, improve and stay awesome. For the people I love, I love you all eternally. 

Thank you and a Happy New Year!

My Own Saga: Consistently Inconsistent

Dear friend,

I am really getting consistent at being inconsistent. I have these constant headaches and maybe I get them because of thinking too much. But what am I to do? I can't stop thinking. I mean, we all have got to think in every day of our lives, yes? If you're planning to tell me to stop thinking, perhaps I should tell you right now that I won't stop thinking. Not that I don't listen to my friends' advice but I think my world revolves around thinking.

But due to thinking too much, I think my mind starts to get tired with all the thoughts, especially those things I should not even ponder about. I can't enumerate them all here because I can't remember most of them right now and I do not want to share them here because 90% of them are personal and 10% of them are absurd.

As a result of my mind getting fatigued, I have become more forgetful than ever. There are moments where I go out of my room to get or do something and as soon as I go beyond my door, I forget the thing I'm supposed to get or do.

There are also times where I am getting inconsistent with the stories I tell to my friends, especially when I tell about something that happen on a particular day and I tell it later to my friends but it ended up being skewered because I forgot some of the details already. I can still tell my friend the gist of my stories but some parts went missing.

Another inconsistency is my mood. Sometimes, I want to get out and spend time with my friends but there are times where I lock myself in my room all day long. It is not supposed to be a big deal but it is now because I am bothered.

My guts is another thing that flickers inside myself like a dying light bulb. I have days when I feel I can take on the world but these days also fade away and my courage goes down to scratch. Why can't I be consistently brave or courageous?

I am also having troubles keeping focus at things lately. I think my attention span has decreased because I can concentrate before but now, I get knocked off-course with a blink of an eye and I really, really do not want that anymore.

Because of these inconsistencies, I end up hurting people unintentionally, including my friends and family. The bad part is that I never know that I actually hurt them until they start to avoid me.

I just want to discipline myself, you know. I want to grow up and get my mind in its right place. I want it to be at rest somehow and keep it stress-free. What I mean by "grow up" is to take things seriously and with responsibility because I am really messed up and I've been f***ed up for a long, long time.

I don't know if leaving my room, the house, and my family for a while will help but there is a strong chance that it will help because I can use the peace and silence. The house is really kind of noisy when my family's here, especially with all the shouting and loud talking. By the way, they're not shouting because of fighting but they can't hear each other sometimes. They're not all deaf too, okay? They are just jumpy and somewhat overreacting at times, like me. I guess.

I've also thought of talking to a psychiatrist or therapist to help me here but where in this particular shithole can I find such people? And there's a big chance that I cannot afford their services. I consider talking to my friends but I can't find the right words to say because they might not understand what I am going through and what is wrong with me. That's why I really want professional help.

I really hope that before 2013 comes, I can get this ordeal over with and move forward because I really don't want to get stuck in here for decades. I've seen people get on with their lives and I believe I should move forward too because there is no point in staying in one place especially when the people around you are fast on their feet and I do not want to be left behind somehow.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Torn and Still Thinking

Dear You*,

I have a thought that you are getting impatient and I am sorry for making you wait and all but I still don't know what to answer to you. It's been almost two months since you told me what you said and I really don't know what to say. For the second time, I apologize for that.

The thing is I am still torn. I'm supposed to be used with being torn and confused because never in my life have I stopped being torn and confused yet. There are always choices in front of me and I am terribly indecisive so I take my time. I don't want any regrets once I've made my decision. I know that you are still waiting and waiting for my answer but I want to take a few more days in this thing between us because what I will say, no matter what it is, can change our lives or maybe how things go between us.

I also don't want to be pressured by our friends in deciding what to do in this predicament. I don't want to be carried away in deciding. I want this decision to be mine and mine alone. I don't want any push from anyone. I ask for their advice to lay out the possible consequences ahead once I make my move.

I also like to have some space in deciding. I don't know if your constant presence will help me in deciding. I think my conscience will just be more torn and conflicted. So I am asking you for a little space if you can give me a few days of your absence. I think it might help me. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Zepp

*By the way, this "You" I'm referring to is different from the previous "You" from the past.

Innocence Lost?

First of all, forgive me for writing another nostalgic post but don't worry. This is not purely about nostalgia, okay? On to the business...

***

When I look back in my childhood, I usually see kids running around in the streets as they play tag, play with their toys, and even just laugh about their jokes or one of their friends' contagious laughs. I mean, we all have or had that friend who has a very contagious laugh. I also used to see kids riding in their bikes and just, you know, being themselves and acting in their age.

Now, when I look at kids today, I can't help but compare my times to theirs and I think that my childhood might not be what I wanted but at least, I got to experience the great outdoors and running around unlike kids today who are inside the comforts of their homes with gadgets in their hands. Most of the kids I see are not very active anymore and they don't get the chance to explore the world outside themselves. I can still see some kids running around the streets but I think I can count them with the fingers of my hands and feet.

Comparing the kids before and now, I realized that the kids today don't possess this particular innocence that kids before have. They don't actually act like children I used to know before. Before, we whine and cry to our parents because they won't let us out and play with our playmates. Kids these days now wallow because they don't have their PSPs or their cell phones or they're not allowed to play on the computer.

I know that parents are just keeping their children inside their houses to keep an eye on them but seriously... it's better to let them out in the open so that they'll have their chance to explore and experience the things they will never experience once they step into adulthood. Trust me. They might not realize it now but they will realize it when they grow up and it'll be hard for them in adjusting with their lives especially those who are sheltered too much.

One thing that I also noticed that is missing today is the sense of appreciating small things. Kids today beg for their parents to buy them their very own handheld gadget or even cell phone unlike in my childhood or in most adults today's childhood where when our parents allow us to go outside and play after finishing our school assignments and chores, it's like we claimed our victory and freedom in our hands as we ran outside and meet up with our friends.

You might think that I can't move on with my childhood or whatever but from the looks of things, I say that we might be going down because the innocence of the children today are being extinguished by superficial and materialistic things. We might be killing the children's initiative to learn and explore because of too much sheltering.

When I hear the word "youth" before, innocence usually comes into my mind but now... I don't know anymore. I just hope that in some ways, the innocence will be restored in the next generation of children despite the advances in technology and in the environment and in the necessities.

If I ever become a parent, I'll let my children explore and I will not kill their innocence. Of course, I'll protect them with all my might but I won't shelter them too much because for me, it'll be nice to open my children's mind as early as their childhood to prepare them for the things they'll encounter when they finally reach the stage of adulthood.

Do Something

A little heads up: if this blog post offends anyone, it means you're guilty. Thank you and happy reading. :)

When disaster strikes, we all suffer. But why does it feel so inevitable to blame someone or some group or something for what happened? Is it so hard to put down your pointing fingers and start to incorporate ourselves in this mess that we are also responsible for?

I keep hearing the same statements when calamities happen like "blame the government", "blame the president", and this particular statement is the newest and I consider the most absurd, "blame the RH Bill supporters! It's their fault God is mad at us and unleashed His wrath on us."

Before you assume that I'm something I'm not, let me first clarify  this: I believe in God but I don't believe in most of the people because they are too ignorant and close-minded. I mean, come on. Blame those who support a bill? That is a bunch of crap. The last thing I need is people demanding a virgin to be sacrificed to God to stop the disasters from striking and that takes us back to being ancient which is actually inappropriate for the time being.

Going back, everyone has a share of his or her responsibility in this mess. Let it be the government, let it be Catholics, let it be simple people. What happened is our fault. It's our responsibility. Even I have my share in this mess just like everyone else. And guess what have we failed to do that led us to this predicament? What is it, you may ask? Well, my dear readers, followers, and friends, we have failed to do something.

By the way, for my international readers (if there are), I'm talking about what recently happened to my place this past three days. You may have a clue where it is because of the RH Bill but if you still don't have a clue, it's the country that just got flooded because of the torrential rain that has poured down on its soil.

About my previous point, yeah, we all failed to do something that must have been done to lessen the devastation in our place. It's our nation and what happened is a reflection on how we handled and took care of our place. This is the consequence we get from doing nothing, smiling, and saying that we'll get through this. Okay. Time for a reality check. Simply smiling and saying that we'll get through this is not enough to get past this predicament or other predicaments we are currently facing and we will encounter in the future.

We have to do something, people! If you think that doing something might give you an instant effect in the surroundings, it's not. Things don't work that way. We must start small and patient because once we do something, we will notice the effects or the fruits of our labor slowly but surely. Everything in this world takes time especially if it concerns reconstruction, improvement, and development. No one can rebuild a burnt down house within a fraction of a second or even a day. You have to be supernaturally powerful to do it but since this is not fiction, no one has that kind of power.

Anyway, the road to a better life has always been a little rough but we must learn how to be patient and take baby steps in this road because sometimes, once we take a huge step, we will never know what we will lose. So it's better to help our country slowly but surely especially with the help from a lot of pairs of hands.

Instead of just whining and blaming and rallying, why don't we all just do something better than those? Instead of worsening the problem and contributing to the chaos that our country is already known for, why don't we become a small part of a big paradise that will be unlock by a chain reaction of solutions and reactions?

So before I end this post, let me leave you all with a message that goes something like this:

DO SOMETHING. 

An Outburst

Forgive me for this intimate and somewhat messy post but I am in the mood for letting this out because I don't know what will happen to me if I just keep it inside.

I'm a person who's always in touch with my feelings, a person who wears his emotions on his sleeve. I still believe I am but I don't want to get my emotions in the way of my logic. Not anymore. It's not really helping me at all. My emotions make me go back to my past which I really don't want to linger on forever and every time I go back to the past, it's like I'm going down to a deep tunnel and I cave myself inside it. The past also made me go to my most vulnerable state and of course, I never liked it. There are times I wallow suddenly when I'm in that tunnel and I find that a little irrational now because all the events behind my tears look so irrational and stupid... and I hate being stupid! I feel like I want to claim my tears back.

I cry suddenly because I think it'll help me to slowly let go because once I let these tears out, I might be fine at the end of the day but I believe it's just a temporary remedy. I want a permanent cure.

The reason why I am here right now, writing this post, is to let go. Well, I don't expect to believe that after posting this, I think I have let go all of my burdens but if it helps, why not take a shot? Anyway, I don't want to get stuck in this shithole forever. I'm getting messier and messier as the days go by. I don't want to wallow and think of my past in the coming days. I want to move forward and live my life without any worries, hesitations, and fear. Shit. I want to erase all the things that kept my head bound in this phase. I want to let it all go. But I don't know where or how to start.

Maybe talking to a therapist might help or talking to a friend might do it to. I've also thought of dealing with this myself but I always hesitated for I fear the truth. But from the looks of things, dealing and confronting the problems look like a big help now. But first, I need to gather myself and my thoughts before I push this plan.

Anxiety, Transitions, and Closure

I have a job interview tomorrow and it's my first. I'm actually a "little" nervous. I would like to use the word "little" because it might help reduce the nervousness I'm trying to suppress or hide. I know I can handle this but I can't help but feel anxious about it. There. I forgot adding the word.

I'm also anxious about finally leaving the thoughts of a student and embracing the stage of being a young professional. I'll miss talking to my college friends, to be honest. I've never felt so comfortable with them. I will not linger to this point since I have already said these before. I'm a little worried about the people I will meet at work. Will I enjoy working with them? Will I have the chance to make things like college again? I really love hanging out with my college mates because I can laugh out loud and be serious at the same time. I just hope the people I will meet at work will almost be the same or might be better but there's a slim chance they will be better.

I cannot believe I am actually nervous during the summer. I am supposed to be and usually nervous during school days but this is just a different feeling. It's all because of the job-hunting. I know what I tweeted about rejection. (Yeah... I have a Twitter account.) I know that I should suck it up since everyone experiences the feeling of rejection but being rejected hurts a little... Okay, I lied! It hurts. But I must not wallow for so long about rejection because it will not help me and there will be better chances and options for me ahead since I'll be going to some companies with my college friends and look for available jobs.

Now that summer is about to close by the month of June, I want to do a lot of things and enjoy myself before going to work. By the way, for those who didn't know, my place's summer starts from late March or early April to the end of May or early June. Going back, there are a lot of things I want to do and settle before June comes.

Here are some of the to-do things before summer ends:

1. Go to a beach with college friends. 
2. Go to a beach with family and relatives.
3. Finish the script I've been working on for almost a month.
4. Make two films with my college friends: One for the school and one for a film festival.
5. Closure. I want to move on just like everyone else.

I'd really go to a beach with my college friends and with my family and relatives but on different times because it will be a first for me to go to a beach or to go out of the city with my college friends and I would love to hang out with them before going separate ways for the time being. I also want to go with my family and relatives because it's been a while since I had fun with them and maybe, this summer is a good time for me to enjoy with them too. 

I want to finish the script I've been working on. I'm still writing its sequence treatment and I'm stuck. I haven't touched it for a while. I have a lot of unfinished scripts but I really hope to finish this particular script because I love the concept. 

I have to admit, I enjoy making films with my college friends so I really want to shoot with them. I can learn a lot of things from them since they know more about film making than I do and it's really nice to bond with them.

And finally, there's the closure. This closure has two contexts to me. It can be: one, closure of college and moving on to young adulthood, and lastly, a feeling that must be said to a certain someone so I can finally move on. I won't pry on that one because I would rather talk about it personally to someone I can really trust and someone who will not judge me in advance.

So there you have it. These are the things stuck in my mind this summer. If I haven't written for a long time, just assume that I am okay and doing good. If you think otherwise, well, at least, it will be okay. (For the readers, you have an idea where I somehow got this statement or at least, the sense of it. By the way, thanks Charlie for reminding me that I am not the only one. )