My Own Saga: Appreciations

Dear friend,

I had a dream two days ago. I and a significant girl were in a building. I think we were inside our university in my dream. Then suddenly, she just cried and I hugged her to comfort her. At first, it was awkward because we are not exactly in good terms for a while and even until now. But in that dream, I just want to hug her and make her feel better. Then I woke up after that.

I know that dreams sometimes communicate what the subconscious or maybe the mind itself wants to say to you and it manifests like it's bursting out of the balloon. After waking up from that dream, I realize that I think I like her and maybe, I need her after all.

This particular girl I'm talking about has been a really good friend to me during my last year of college life. Then, she revealed to me after college that she likes me. I don't know if she still does after what I did to her which I deeply regret. Anyway, she and the rest of my college friends made my college days awesome but I made a lot of awesome memories with this girl because she made me experience things I've never done before we got together and hang out.

She took me to watch foreign films for free in some mall during the summer vacation before college graduation. She introduced me to a lot of things and schools of thoughts. She gave me a deeper insight about art and life. She took me out of my shell. And the most significant and sweetest thing I have ever received from someone is that she made me feel I exist and I'm a significant person.

She accepted my flaws and understood my lunacy. 

And I think that's a rare thing to happen because I think I'm totally messed up and an emotional wreck.

I don't want this post to become an emotional one and pour out all my regrets here. I want this post to be memorable to appreciate her for all the things she did for me. I deeply regret what I did to her, for hurting her feelings to be exact and I want to redeem myself and start over with her. I think I am ready. I just hope she forgives me and we'll take things from there.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Incoherent Crap

Dear friend,

We all know that emotions enhances the experience of life. It sort of gives more life to the experiences and encounters during our lives. But sometimes, emotions derail us from logic and rationality. What's worse is that I'm emotional. I'm actually too emotional for a man's standards or maybe, the ideal level of emotion for men if there's such a thing or maybe, I'm rambling on like an idiot, saying things that don't exist.

I'm having troubles reaching out to people these past two or three days. I suddenly doubt if I really belong to where I am right now or maybe I should just loosen up and open myself to others. But it seems hard especially when other people see this other side. I'm thinking too much about what happens if they see me that way. Will they just go on with their lives or will they leave me behind?

I used to think that being alone is a nice thing because it helps me think and understand more about the things I'm trying to process but when I reached the senior year of my college life, I realized that I need friends to lighten up, help me comprehend what's happening, and even give me an orientation of the things I haven't experienced in my life.

You see, I've been spending my time too much in my shelter. I give in to my fears and I hate myself for that. When I see or hear people experiencing new things or they know these things I don't, I feel bad for myself to the point of regret and beating myself up for not doing these things.

That's why I need friends these days. It's because I don't want to think too much anymore. When I think too much, I spiral down to the point of breakdown and I don't want it to happen anymore. I want to move on and get out. I want to enjoy life with other people. But because of the fear, I hesitate and pull out and I want to punch myself so bad that I almost want to hate myself for being idle and for giving in to the fear.

I apologize if this post is so incoherent that you will get lost in this mess of mine. I just want to let this out and I can't express this vocally. I always end up hesitating when saying these things out from my mouth. I just want to write these things all out. I know the effect is not really that much and I know that I think no one or only one person reads the crap I'm posting beside myself.

I just want to improve and adjust. I want to understand. I want to get out.

Please. 

Sincerely,

Zepp