C'est La Vie

"The only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability."

- Remy (Ratatouille, 2007)

This is true. We all know that life is unpredictable but we'll never know how life hits us with its unpredictability and that's one of the biggest surprises life offers everyone who's breathing.

Sometimes, surprises are awesome to the point that you're hoping that time will slow down for you to absorb the moment wholly. But there are times where surprises will just knock you off your feet and force you to crawl on your bed as you shed a tear, wishing that this moment will end so fast.

This is what I feel right now. Yesterday has one of the worst moments of my life. Yesterday was supposed to be, I don't know, normal and yet special because my mind is supposed to take a rest for the coming day. I don't feel well yesterday because I'm tired. My mind is tired and I lack hours of sleep. Then, time goes by and everything was going seemingly right. But before the day ended, I did something foolish. I don't know if foolish is the right word. It looks like an understatement to what I did but what the hell.

(I will not elaborate the deed because I'm not here to talk about what I did. I'm here to talk about what I felt afterwards.)

So there. I can feel the consequences drifting near and today's supposed to be my rest day where I can enjoy the day off with my friends but I am plagued with the memory of yesterday. (Sounds dramatic? C'est la vie, as my college mate keeps telling me.) I keep telling myself to just move on and I'm not the only one who experienced downfalls but my stupid mind keeps on returning to that particular thought. It's similar to the time when I tried to sleep but my mind can't stop thinking. It's like that. My mind is sometimes misaligned with my body. If you know what I mean.

And now, you might want to ask me how long I am going to wallow. Well, I can't tell but all I can say is it'll be quick because I only have a day or two to think about it without any distractions.

Another Birthday and Some Rushes

One of my close friends from high school just celebrated her birthday yesterday. Once again, I'd like not to mention her name for security purposes. (I'm paranoid, okay?) I just hope she enjoyed celebrating her day with her college friends for this coming Wednesday, we'll celebrate her birthday.

Yup. Got no classes this Wednesday! Booyah! Time to get some good rest because I have no classes for Wednesday and luckily, my weekly day-off comes along this Thursday. I can knock myself off with all the academic stresses and shit.

For the past week, I've been in a rush with all the homework in Radio and Television (RTV) and Debate. They're totally taking up my time and attention span and these two really rocked my world because the deadlines for the homework for these two subjects is due today, well, a few hours from now. Today will be a long and busy day for me but I can't wait to rest my arse and enjoy a good day with my high school friends.

No need to think of some heavy mindf*ck in these two days. Just rest, enjoy, and live.

A Birthday and Some Kicks

First off, I'd like to greet one of my close friends in college who's also another blogger here a happy birthday! I can't say her name here for security purposes. I'll greet her in person to make it better. Her stories spice up my day and her energy is just very high. I wish her good health (Of course!), more happiness that she deserves, more strength, and more love in the coming years.

About the treats, don't worry about it. Stories are enough. :D

Moving on, after reading her blog today, I just realized that we both experienced this joy from our friends. At least, she maximizes every happiness with them. I still have to learn how to be open to them. I closed my world too much and I think it's time to open up.

My mates don't deserve it I guess. They're trying their best to break my walls and it's time to get out and just enjoy their company and share what they want to hear from me because I seldom speak about some of my personal stuff. I know what to share and what is not meant for sharing so don't worry.

They're cool people and they don't really deserved to be shut out so I'll try real hard to be more open. They've been real to me and it's about time that I return the favor.

Life on the Fast Pace

The world is moving fast, sometimes, a little too fast that there's no more time to take a deep breath. People are always in a hurry and usually, it affects their decision making. Most of the people I see are deciding based on impulse. There's no more room for thinking even for a few seconds. It is just sad that the world acts like this today.

I know that it's like this because of the fast improvements and innovations and such but it doesn't mean that we have to move ourselves fast. Life is already too short. Sometimes, we have to take life one day at a time and not one hour at a time. How can we live our lives to the fullest if we hurry? Think about it.

There's no need to rush everything. No need to say everything all at once. It's alright to sit for a moment, think and reflect. It is lame to most but to me, it's okay to think and ponder for a while. Think about what we've done for the whole day. Think about what we've done for our whole lives. Because someday, it's too late to see and feel the regrets about something we shouldn't have done in the past. It's too late to weep and ponder for our punishment is already behind us.

It's better to think before we act to avoid these regrets in the future. People might not catch this drift because they have their own pace. Let's leave it at that. If they have their pace, so do you.

See The Light

There are a lot of things I want to do but unfortunately, I reached the time when things are now complicated and there's no more room to breathe, loosen up and explore. It just sucks to realize at this time that I'm not living my life to the fullest. A lot of things can be blamed but I have myself to be ultimately pointed at.

I got used too much in living an "uptight" life, trying to follow and impress my parents I guess. Now that I'm living on my own, sort of, I find it hard to explore new things but I am trying to grasp new experiences especially the things I can never do if I still live in my home. It sucks that I failed to maximize this newly-gained freedom. Right now, I have lots of regrets in the things I failed to do.

Last night, I got one of the biggest slaps in my existence from a college mate. Almost every single word he said to me pierced like arrows to my head and the sentences that are still echoing inside my head left me teary-eyed. He made me realize the things I just said above. He also made me realize that (not the exact words but from what I understood) what if I never got the chance to explore life, how can I be capable of making decisions, especially the biggest, life-changing decisions I'll make in the future.

*sigh*

Another thing he made me realize is that sometimes, I need to open up and start loving and trusting myself for others to accept and trust me as well. Insecurities have become one of the constant things on earth besides change and we have to accept these insecurities because they'll become our stepping stones for the changes we seek to reap from ourselves. If we accept these insecurities in us, we can begin to change ourselves and people will see the better half of ourselves. Most of the time, people should adjust to us but not all of the time, they'll adjust for us so we have to adjust for them as well.

Thanks to that person for opening my eyes and enlightening me even if it's a bit late. He's one of the coolest people I met in college and I admire him for his wisdom and strength.

Bottled Up Inside

I think I went overboard yesterday. Lots of overthinking. Pressured, stressed, tired. I'm an emotional train wreck. What the hell is going on with me? Last night, I just shut myself out, went to the balcony of our apartment and just stared at a distance, at the people, at the night sky. Then I had this realization.

No one can help me. 

I'm not going suicidal with this. Suicide is just overrated. What I mean is that I got no one to talk to with my problems. People have been running to me with their problems and I help them get through their ordeals. I have no problem with that but I think I had a little too much...? They've all bottled up inside me and somehow took me over. Now I feel helpless to the point that I have no idea who I can talk to.

I feel like I want to talk to a stranger like a psychiatrist. Especially a psychiatrist. I feel that I can talk to him or her with my thoughts as he or she sits on a chair listening intently. He or she won't think anything bad about me and he or she will give me advice and just that, as simple as that. Nothing will be broken.

Sorry if this post is just too negative or dark and a bit inconsistent in terms of sense. Just expressing myself.

In The Dark

Like what I said in my previous post, a lot of thoughts pop in my head recently and as a result, it was pretty distracting and unnecessary. I don't even know why I keep on dwelling on these thoughts that I should not bother. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. It just sucks that our country does not prefer to that solution because they think that if we all smile, the problems will go away. Well, unfortunately, some will not unless we do something about it. And I consider seeing a psychiatrist as a solution but money hinders me to see one.

These thoughts still bother me. My mind keeps on thinking about them until they take over in such an unnecessary moment. Totally knocks me off-course. This is not how I usually work and live. I usually do not think of such because I thought some of them were a bit superficial. (As some of my friends know, superficial has been coming out of my mouth for a week.) It's not totally me. (Ugh. I hate this sentence though I must comply as it applies to the situation.)

Right now, as I write this post in the dark, literally, they still swim around my mind but they're not dormant anymore. I just wish to get out of this phase before the time gets serious or else I would be in serious trouble with myself and other stuffs.

People Are People

I'm feeling a little woozy right now and my head is feeling heavy. No, I'm not drunk. I just have a lot of things inside my head and the feeling is killing me like crap.

ABSURDITY.


COMPLEXITY.


CONFUSION.


Things like these, they have their way of driving me insane. First is the absurdity. From what I've seen yesterday, most people expect something special or I'd like to think as superficial. Yeah, the date yesterday was 11-11-11. I'd like to ask them, "So what?" I'm being a kill-joy again but yeah, it just pains me to see people expecting something great as if something magical will happen on that day. The sight was just like saying to a kid that there is no frakking Santa Claus which is really true. There is no Santa Claus. Going back, it just sucks that people expect something from a date when they have to worry about something else more rational than this.

Then, I have complexity. A lot of people told me and made me realize that I'm over-complicating things sometimes as I tend to over-analyze things, even the simplest of things. That's why it hits me the hardest. But of course, it pains me when the roles have been turned. As I tend to over-think, I'm consequently making my life a bit harder. Notice that this part is also complicated, it almost made no sense and I'm going astray. It's really complicated. Very frakking complicated. Schedules are getting complicated. Complicated choices and such. It is really making my mind go nuts.

Finally, there is this confusion. I'd like not to talk about it here. You have to respect that and it's really wearing me down that when I think about it, it's making me more and more insane. Not literally insane, okay? Just tormented.

First Day of the End (Carpe Diem)

Two days ago, the second semester begun. My last semester as a college student. Hopefully. When my Public Relations professor dismissed our class saying that this semester is so short, I realized that I need to seize every day.


CARPE DIEM.

We all know the saying. We all know what it means. Life has a lot of deadlines. It has a lot of ends but of course the ends I'm talking about are not about ending the biological function of a body but the phases we go through as we progress in life. Knowing these ends, we must take chances and do whatever we want to do, should do, and must do. Obviously, adults wants us to focus on the responsibilities.

Yeah, I won't forget my responsibilities but it's nice to lose control sometimes. Letting go of the steering wheel and have fun because after the 5 months that we'll never notice to have transpired, it's time to bid farewell to the memories we made for the past four years as a college student.

We can have fun while working but the level of fun is never the same. I know that when we step outside the real world, most of what we did in college will be considered as childish or sometimes, embarrassing and even worse. disturbing.

It sucks that I realize this just now though I know a lot of my friends have been trying to shove CARPE DIEM in my head. I have been too cautious of my life, planning too much and going on a routine too much even though I know that most of the times, my small plans for the day will just be screwed up.

So now, I will try my hardest to have fun while studying. There should be no room for drowning myself in loneliness but I will not get lost in paradise. (Had to use that phrase.) I will try to balance happiness and seriousness in order for me to be more productive and motivated because of the goal that we are trying to accomplish and that is to finish studying.

Once again, if you think I'm getting incoherent or inconsistent, notify me through leaving comments. Thank you very much. :)

The Change

Title sounds familiar? It's because it came from one of the songs of Evanescence from their third, self-titled album and I'm loving it. I bought it two Sundays ago and I can't stop listening to it. "The Change" became one of my favorite songs off the album. But I'm not here to talk about the song. So let's get this show rolling...

The second semester of my senior life will start tomorrow. Another semester means another 5 months of pressure and suffering in academics with some laughs and mishaps along the way. Like I said in my post before, there will be changes.

Some of my previous mates transferred to another block, starting their semester anew with their freedom. I just got emancipated this previous semester. I acquired some new perspectives and I met different personalities that I never expect to mingle harmoniously. I also never expected to enjoy their company actually. The atmosphere when I'm with them is pretty light and I actually look forward to coming to school because of them.

Anyway, one of the changes I'll be trying to implement myself is to try to get out of my comfort zone, meaning I'll try to be as approachable as I can because this semester, I'm on my own now and I have to learn how to deal with other people properly and without getting the awkwardness. I'll need it when I finally get out of college.

The second change I'll try is to loosen up a little. People see me as someone who is serious all the time and people find me inapproachable because of that. Though I need to learn how to loosen up. Gah.

I'll also be more competitive and active like what I said to another previous post but I will not try to harm anyone and I will not become desperate because I want a clean and fair competition. What I mean in the competition is the academics.

It will be hard to adjust myself into what I'm planning to change but I'll really need it as I face the real world after college life ends.