My Own Saga: One Step to Freedom

Dear friend,

I am actually hesitating to post this right now but I am also typing it so I am clearly not making any sense. This is once again another outburst post so brace yourself for some whines that you might want to slap me. The bonus thing about slapping me is I'll take it.

I actually want to leave the house again just like in my senior year back in college. I want to live in an apartment again and feel the freedom I felt before. I want to experience living away from home especially now that I graduated. There are differences, obviously, between staying in an apartment while studying and while working so I'd like to see those differences.

Another reason why I want to leave the house is to teach the people here a lesson or a few. My brother is so irresponsible and uncontrollable (I don't even regret saying it here) that my parents can't even handle him and I think by leaving home, my parents will have to somehow "rely" (not sure if it's the right word to use) on him and make him act responsibly because he's already a college student and he's still acting so carelessly (except when he's around his girlfriend so that's a bit of a stretch).

I can also use some quiet time because silence is a rare quality in the place I live in. There will always be drunkards around noon almost every day, dogs barking because of these bastards, and those irritating engine noises from motorbikes.

And the most significant reason of them all is to refresh and relearn about independence, self-responsibility, and self-reliance. I have a good friend who lives away from his home since his college years and I really look up to him because he's really oozing this independent and self-reliant aura around him. He knows what he wants and he gets it through his own way. He also became really mature (not saying that he was immature before so please don't take it the wrong way).

Learning about his lifestyle today, I got inspired to actually want to get out of here and living on my own while working. I want to experience relying on myself everyday and I don't have to rush my way back home because I don't want people to worry. It might be possible that by leaving home, I can achieve more as well because of the freedom I'll have. I also want to get away and just live without restraints and learn more about self-responsibility in my actions. And I don't want to live in my house when I reach my 30s because that's kind of sad. It's like I never got out of my parents' (especially my mom's) grasps.

But before all of this becomes possible, I need to look for a job again and I am still torn between freelancing and a stable job. I'd like to have both if it's feasible and I can manage myself (I'd like to see that). I don't want to compare freelancing and a regular job because let's face it; they're just even (unless you're really focused on one side).

I'm still thinking over about my future career so leaving home might take a while as there are a lot of things to consider in making decisions over my future job. I know I can't be picky but I have to make sure that once I signed up, I'll stay there for a long time. I don't want to make another wrong move when it comes to something as big as this.

Thank you for reading this (even though I know that nobody reads this crap) and I hope everything is good and will be good for you in the days to come.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Uncertainty and Vacancy

Dear friend,

Everything's happening so fast these days. Have you noticed that? Well, I have. Even in the slow days, I still feel that they're a little faster than the usual. Is it because I am so preoccupied? Preoccupied to the point of my thoughts almost blocking my concentration? I don't know. All I know is I'm thinking too much that I fail to realize the concept of time and reality. Anyway, I won't dwell on that too much because there's this bigger thing I want to deal with right now.

Tomorrow marks my first week out of work. I know I said it in some social networking site that it's bittersweet. It is indeed bittersweet; sweet because everyone of us in my workplace have new beginnings waiting for them, near or far, and I'd like to maintain that thought because I don't want to feel and think that I've abandoned them especially in a time when only a handful remains. It is also bitter because I'll be leaving them behind, these new friends that I am slowly getting more and more comfortable with because of our number (I hope I'm still coherent and making sense).

I honestly never thought I'd be close or comfortable with my co-workers. I just want to adapt to the workplace and not feel out of place but when the numbers were reduced to only five, we sort of became solid to each other somehow and we became a small but tight-knit team. We're messing with each other but we know when to get serious and when to lose control (not the crazy type of losing control).

And I am missing them so bad. I miss the laughter even if they sometimes think I'm laughing irrationally. I'm just letting off some steam from all the working and processing. I also miss the feel of escapism when we go to lunch together and just laugh at each others' teases and jokes.

My resignation is not actually planned. It's totally unexpected because there's this one opportunity/job offered to me and my friend from production to provide video coverage of the events in a far place (For security purposes, I can't mention the place) and my remaining number of leaves are not enough to cover the days I'll be gone for the coverage so resignation seemed like a safe option instead of AWOL (Absence Without Leave, in case you don't know what it stands for). Another reason is that I am the only feasible partner for my friend in the video coverage since we've been doing this for a while now and we know how we work. If someone else is selected, then he'll have to teach his partner the stuffs all over again so it seemed like a valid reason but still...

I was actually planning to stay longer than four months because I want to redeem myself from the mishap I did in the past. I want to set my record straight and clean and I want to remain there for a while to make my income a source of a solid capital for the business my friend and I were trying to establish: a film production.

Right now, I'm a bum (again) and I'm with my old enemy, uncertainty. I've always feared uncertainty. It almost drove me insanely sad after being idle for quite a long time last year and I don't want to experience that shit again but in this time's circumstances, it looks like the whole ordeal is bound to happen all over again and I have to keep myself sane and stable.

I had a chat with a person I consider dearly significant these past few days and that person mentioned about thinking long term. Then I realized my parents are now considering the thought of retirement. It's not that good because I can't rely on them forever and I have to refresh and learn how to live without the reliance on my parents all over again. I have to learn how to manage without my parents' help. I have to learn how to be self-reliant, self-powered, and self-responsible.

I also have to let this one out: that significant person inspires me to learn how to live independently. I'm of the right age and I just need to equip myself to be capable of handling independence properly. I won't ask for that person's help because I don't want to be someone's burden. I have to learn all of this on my own.

And about that person, I've decided not to talk about it too much anymore. I'll just keep it to myself until something significant happens.

And I think I just ran out of thoughts to pour in this post. But before I go, let me just remind myself of the things I should keep in mind for the whole year (or my whole life):

• Less regrets (or none if possible).
• Keep learning.
• Enter happiness (and other emotions in an opportune time).
• Don't let fear take the steering wheel.

I know there are other things I want to remind myself but these four seems the most significant reminders I need right now. 

Thank you for reading my post today. I wish you well. 

Until the next post.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Mayday

Dear friend,

It's been a while since I last wrote something here. A lot of things happened lately. Let me help you catch up with this poem I wrote and maybe you can help me. You'll see the poem after this letter. Thank you. 

Sincerely,

Zepp

MAYDAY

It started as a tiny seed

It’s planted inside my head

No, it’s not medicinal weed

Unlike what most people said

Then this little seed grew bigger

I watered it with my thoughts

I deemed that it will be better

But my feelings, I have fought

A notion, this bud turned into

And I tried to manage it

But my mind had just lost its screw

And it is about to split

Because now, it is a desire

A scary contemplation

For it is spreading like wildfire

It’s a vicious temptation

I think you are getting a clue

As to what this is about

And I do not know what to do

Right now, I’m giving a shout

What the fuck’s happening to me?

I’ll need a diagnosis

What is this thing I cannot see?

I hope it’s not psychosis

I want to make sense out of this

This phase I am going through

It is not easy to dismiss

This feeling I have for you

Oh God, I want to make it stop

Before I drive myself mad

Or my logic begins to drop

And my days, they might get bad

My Own Saga: Confession in a New Year's Eve

Dear friend,

This is a first. I didn't write any New Year's resolution for 2014. I missed the chance to write on purpose. This is because I think I'll break my resolutions anyway so I decided to skip it.

2013 was another roller coaster for me and it also was a year of full circle. Why? It's because I started 2013 with a new job and the year ended with a new job too. I hope and I'll do my best to keep myself for this one because it'll be hard if I lose my grasp in this second shot.

Looking back at both 2012 and 2013, 2013 has more ups than two years ago and it's better that way. I met a lot of new friends while some left and that's okay. A lot of opportunities were presented along the way and I took them. I learned a lot of things from 2013's events ESPECIALLY on the last day itself. Oh don't get me started on the 31st of December.

But before that, I also did a lot of things which I never thought I'd do in the past. I became a little more confident than before (I really hope so). And I also got to know my limits deeper which is very significant in getting to know myself better.

Now that I mentioned the 31st of December, this day became unexpectedly significant for me because I did something for the first time in my life although it might sound a little weak because I did it differently.

Here's the thing: there's this person I liked for a long time until this affection reached a disturbing level because I've been seeing that person's name anywhere and everywhere I go and it almost drove me insane. A few days before, I thought of finally confessing my affections. I asked my friends first if it's a good idea and I got mixed reactions. Two friends of mine told me it's a good idea to let it out before it consumes me and before it turns into a bigger regret. The other told me it might be an act of self-indulgence in my case.

Then came December 31. I thought about it the whole day, if I should still do it or not. The decision making reached until I think 6 in the evening before leaving the house for a little binge drinking that ended up walking in the war zone of fireworks. I asked another friend if this is not a stupid thing and she said I should do it for no more regrets and it acted like a little push.

I typed the message and sent it through Facebook. I know I could have said it personally but time and space have never accommodated us so meeting is a little difficult. I won't give out the whole message here but the gist of it is that I told that person my affections and I also said that I won't hold any expectations and I said it because I want to say it and I want to move on with my life.

When I returned home, I got a reply saying that that person is speechless and asked me if I sent it to the right person. I said, "Yes. It is."

And that's it.

I don't know if I'll be hearing from that person again or not but I have anticipated both outcomes so if any of the two possible scenarios happens, I'll brace myself. I won't hold any regrets or stress about it because this is what I wanted after all. If that person chose to stay away, I'll miss the presence but I'll respect the decision. But if otherwise, then I guess we'll see. We'll never know what will happen, right?

So there. I think the post is a little shorter than the previous New Year posts but I ran out of words to say and I did not create any New Year's resolution at all so it's all justified. All that remains to be said is: I wish you all well for 2014 and keep your pieces together.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Endure and Survive

Dear friend,

I started working again last week. I'm back to the office world again and I'm thankful for this second chance. I'd like to take this as a redemption because of the mishap I did with my first although there will be some adjustments and sacrifices I have to make along the way.

I almost got used to the slacker lifestyle; I'm referring to the homebody type of life. I almost indulged myself with the perks of staying at home and cruising through the day. I need to change that since I need this job for a lot of things. One thing is a camera for business and artistic purposes. But I'll have to endure to survive and maintain my composure and sanity before I get to that sub-goal. So I need to adjust myself for I still think I'm stuck in the transition or I think I have what is known as the "post-graduate syndrome".

Going back to my work, the workplace is all right. The atmosphere's pretty light but the challenges set the pressure. People there are really welcoming and cool. They're really hospitable since day 1. But there's one thing I don't like in the workplace is its location.

The workplace is set in one of the busiest places in the world or perhaps, the busiest place in my world. The flow of traffic there sucks my soul and I mean literally because it really drains my energy from going there to going home.

First, I have to wait for 40 minutes to an hour for a ride to work. Then, the travel time lasts for around two hours because of the heavy flow of traffic and a huge volume of cars on the road. Almost every road we take is fucking congested. There is rarely a smooth moment during the travels unless I go to work in the weekends and holidays which might be a rare thing [I hope].

Of course, life in that particular city is fucking expensive. The travel fare is damn expensive. The food can be pricey too if you choose to eat in a good place. There are decent places to eat like the fast food chains though my appetite won't be satisfied in those stores. Thankfully, the workplace offers food in a reasonable way so expenses are lessened a little.

The city also tests my limits and patience because there will always be challenges everyday like lines in terminals and congested traffic conditions at night. I even thought of staying a little late just to get home smoothly though it's not really a recommended idea since I live far and I have to sleep early just to get to work on time.

One thing I have to sacrifice is my passion and you perhaps have some idea of what that passion is so I will not elaborate that anymore. I'll have to sacrifice a little of that passion to sustain and support myself and even contribute to the family as well. I can't rely on my parents forever since they only have a few years before retiring.

My friends and I started a film production last year and we recently thought of turning it into a source of profit as well. That explains the reason for the need of a camera. The idea is quite nice because I can actually practice my skills from my course and make money out of the experience too. It's a nice package to be honest. But first, I have to finish the transition and get out of the "post-grad syndrome" to finally establish my foundations firmly.

Damn. I think I should be sleeping too since I have work tomorrow. I'm still getting used again to the idea of waking up early again. It's like going back to school except you're not dealing with people who are mostly like my age and every action I'll make and take will weigh the outcome in the coming days and months.

So I guess I'll stop here for now. It's been nice to write again. I just hope to get through this unscathed or at least with a few scratches along the way.

I'll have to remember this as well for motivation:

"ENDURE AND SURVIVE."

Sincerely,

Zepp 

My Own Saga: Lost in the Smoke

Dear friend,

It's been a while since I last wrote here. A lot of things happened when I was gone. Many left while some stayed... or something along those lines. I'm a little intoxicated right now. My head is a little woozy but I can't sleep yet since I feel the urge to write something here. Well, it's because I felt I sort of abandoned this blog to be exact.

What's happening with me right now, you may ask? I was busy these past 5 months. I was busy with being a production assistant in several films and one television series. The whole experience was tiring yet rewarding since I met a lot of good people. They were really fun. I think I mentioned them in my previous posts.

Right now, I'm not preoccupied with any projects. I'm getting a little unmotivated with transcribing materials. I've been busy with other things like making short films and skits with my friends and covering events for clients. I've been looking for jobs again. I'll apply for another job tomorrow. I hope to nail this one because practically speaking, I really need a stable job with a fixed income.

My mom has been complaining for quite a while because I don't have a regular job and she keeps on saying that I should have a job that has a fixed income and benefits. I understand her point and it somehow convinced me to look for another job once more because the transcribing gig is unpredictable when it comes to distributing income. I'm also almost broke so I also need to earn money to save up for a camera.

That's my professional and financial status so far. About my personal life, all I can say is that it's a little messed up, both positively and negatively. It's positive because my life is not monotonous and it's negative because I'm sort of losing control over myself.

I've been smoking since July. I know it's not good yet I keep on smoking. I'm NOT a chain smoker though and I can pull off a maximum of two weeks so far without smoking. I think I only smoke when I'm under stress and with my friends. I don't smoke at home or near its premises or my life will get more wild and "dramatic". I consider smoking as a "guilty pleasure" and I want to stop before something bad develops. I've also been eating too much sweets so I need to lessen that too.

About the affections, they somehow decreased but they tend to resurface when these persons reappear in any form in my life like for example, this particular person's name keeps on appearing in my face anywhere and anytime and I'm like, "What the fuck, fate? What are you trying to say?" Excuse my language. Then, for the second person, I've been thinking of talking to that person and try to be friends again. I know I messed up but I need that person for motivation. I don't care about intimacy. I need motivation.

Speaking of motivation, I really do need motivation right now. I remember one friend told me that I'm weird but my weirdness is okay because I tend to surprise people with the things I'm capable of and I was also surprised of that about myself too. When she said that to me, I miss that part of myself where I try to prove to myself and to other people the things I can do. I miss being inspired, motivated, and driven. I miss the energy and adrenaline pushing me to do things.

Now, I'm loose. I am confused and lost. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm heading. I'm still searching for a form of motivation or inspiration. I want that kind of motivation back in my life again because I want to be proud of myself more. I don't want to feel helpless or reckless. I don't want to self-destruct anymore.

I don't want to stray further.

I want to get back on track.

So there you have it. I think I just summarized the happenings of my life so far. Either that or I might be forgetting more details but I can't write them anymore because I can't remember or think anymore of what to add here.

I really suck at ending my posts. I miss writing though. I miss writing poems and scripts. All I need is inspiration so I'll just keep on looking.

Thank you for staying and reading all these blubbering from my mind.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Misplaced Affections in the Smoke

Dear friend,

As it turned out, my plan did not work out. Well, it wasn't set into motion actually but it's not because of me this time. I tried to communicate with the person I'm trying to reach out. I tried to settle my matters but looks like my efforts were in vain and perhaps, they were ignored. Maybe I am too late or maybe I'm desperate as one of my friends said.

Maybe the feelings died or maybe there's nothing at all.

I don't know the real reason.

Should I still go after it or should I let it go?

I'm almost near in finally having an answer to that question and it's leaning towards the latter. It's obvious that that person doesn't want to see me at all so why bother although I also thought that I should try at least to say what I feel for that person but this time, the personal way won't happen for a long shot so I might tell it through Facebook or through text messaging or any form of electronic communication.

But it sucks, you know? It sucks because there might be no feeling of sincerity or reality if I send a message saying that I like that person. But what can I do? That person won't make time so I'll really rely on the resources I have to get that message across though I have to really think about saying it or just bury it inside me. If I keep it, the feeling might resurface. If I say it, there's a strong chance I can finally let go if nothing still happens after getting that message across. At least, I won't wallow if I don't get the desired outcome because I know that the chances are slim for me.

On another note, I've been hanging out with my friends and I introduced hookah to them a month ago which they enjoyed. My siblings introduced that to me before I showed it to my friends. At first, it was okay but a few weeks later, I think it triggered one of my friends to start smoking. As of last Sunday, he consumes one pack of cigarettes a day and I'm worried.

I never thought that he was a smoker. He never told us he smoked during his high school or college days. I presumed he was a non-smoker but when he smoked for the first time in front of my friends (I was absent that time), another friend told me he smokes as if he already knew how to smoke before.

Last Sunday, I tried smoking too. I had a stick and I don't know if I liked the feeling or not but I ended up having a headache when I went home after our hookah session at a coffee shop. The menthol flavor felt like it's piercing my throat. But at least, I finally tried it and I now know what it feels like when smoking. I don't know if I'll try it again in the future but let's hope I won't because I really don't like its side effects.

What else... I have a week off that started last Sunday and it'll just be until Friday because the lead actress of the show I'm employed at had another shoot for another show so she's not available for our scheduled shooting days. I'll be heading back to the location this Saturday.

I'm actually having a good time during the shoots for that particular show I'm in. The people there are really awesome to work with. They're actually funny and when it's serious, they're also really serious as that's how we're supposed to act during work. I'm okay with the compensation because it's the experience that counts anyway.

Well, that's it. Thank you for your time in reading this. I don't mean to blurt this all out here but I just want to let it out so thanks.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Trial and Error

Dear friend,

It's already the month of June. I left my job two months ago. Well, it's not really a smooth farewell but I got out. I was busy for two weeks last month. And then, I will be busy again starting this Saturday and will last for 18 days. Thankfully, it's not consecutive because the key people have other things to do on our vacant days.

Yes. I've been busy since I got out of my previous job. I think I'm slowly getting out of my shell somehow but I still feel I lack a lot. I need to grow some balls to be precise. There's this feeling of being incomplete inside myself and it somehow kills my mood whenever it passes by my mind and I also get distracted because of it.

I'm starting to experience new things ever since I chose this new path but I still think I'm missing out a lot on life. People think I'm getting old and I think so too but I still haven't experienced a real relationship. (Don't get me wrong on this one. I'm not like one of those teenagers who's dying to have a relationship, okay?) I almost had one but then I got cold feet. I know. You want to slap me to wake and put some sense in me but it's all done and I've learned the error of my ways or I'm still learning on it at least. But I'm not here to whine and wallow about my cold feet. I want to pour this certain thing out of my mind.

You see, there's this one person I admire but I don't know if this person still likes me or not because back in senior year, this person said "I like you" to my in a shy way. Of course, I was shocked and awkwardly expressed my gratitude but this person doesn't know I also have a mutual feeling for that person but I wanted to make sure if the feeling is real or not. Until now... But I endured a year with that person. Graduation came and we went our separate ways.

Then, there's this one day in a few months after graduation that I was strolling in a random mall when I saw a former classmate. We chat for I think an hour to catch up and then, I suddenly brought up the revelation because from what I remember, my classmate was a witness to the incident back then so I asked her if she thinks the revelation is sincere or a fraud and she thinks it's the latter.

I've been trying to reconnect to that particular person but we seldom see each other and this person also has a knack of cancelling plans in the last minute due to some reasons. I know I have to understand the reasons but it doesn't have to cancel when I always invite that person so I of course think there is avoidance going on.

I'm still plagued by the revelation and when we finally see each other, I want to know the truth and if I'm given a chance to start something from there, I'd like to try that even if it's odd. Anyway, it's okay to make some mistakes in your first relationship if it will go down like that, right? But let's not hope it will end up like that although there's a 80% chance I'll get rejected anyway because I think I'm below this person's standards and we have little in common.

I told my friends about this predicament and they think I have strong feelings for that person so they agreed that what I'm planning to do will really help me and if things go okay from there, they'll support me because I'm a newbie. But I won't assume that we'll be together. No.

So there. That's my current status and predicament these days. I hope things will work out and if not, it's okay just to say what I have to say and ask what I need to ask from that person. I've prepared myself for the outcomes anyway so I'll be good. So sorry if you think I ended this abruptly. It's just that I think this is all I have in my mind right now so I'll be leaving on this note. Anyway, thank you for reading and understanding.

Sincerely,

Zepp

P.S. To that person,

If you're reading this (in which I think there's a slim chance you'll even visit this site), if we see each other, please don't get awkward on me when I say what I have to say. I won't spill it here because it'll just kill my plan. I hope to see you soon. Thank you. 

My Own Saga: Passion or Practicality?

Dear friend,

I haven't been active here lately because I don't have much time to write entries and I am a bit too stressed to write entries. You see, I've been busy with my job for the past two months and it'll be my third month at work next week. So how are things at work, you ask?

Well, obviously I'm a bit stressed out myself with work. Training's over and we're finally doing the job we got hired for and it's really a complicated work I must say. You might think it's easy because we only sit in front of the computer all day and do our thing but it's not as simple as that, my friend. Oh no. It's just mind-splitting most of the time. (I can't specify what I do there.)

I also think I'm still not used to the night life myself.  Alive by night, asleep by day. I just can't get used to that. As a result, I am always sleepless or I don't have enough sleep everyday and because of that, I am always restless, a bit jumpy, and I am prone to mood swings. Not the dangerous ones though, just the normal mood swings but people find it weird somehow because of how easy my mood changes. I am not bipolar or something. I am just moody or maybe cranky.

Because of my job, I don't have much time for myself too. Not enough time to rest and recuperate from the stress. Not enough time to relax. Not enough time to be with my family and friends. I miss out on a lot of things in their lives and I don't want that to go on for a long time.

I know you must think and you want to ask why did I even take this job in the first place if I'll whine like this right now. I have my reasons back then and all I can say right now is that it's like an experiment or trial and error if I describe it more accurately. I don't feel any regret of getting hired there to be honest. It's just that I had these realizations too early.

I've been looking for a new job lately because I realized this early how mundane my work is and I think I feel like a junkie with my lifestyle. I am not a quitter, okay? It's just that I felt this early that I am going nowhere with this and I need to be in the field I am really acquainted with and I need to apply the skills I acquired in my 4 years of college education. Because in my current job, I can't apply these skills. Obviously.

And now, there's this opportunity I want to take. It's a 5-day job in a film production. Why five days? Because they only have five straight days to shoot the film and I guess it'll be one long and exhausting shoot but that's how things work in a film production especially in an independent film production because you only have limited budget and resources and you can't afford to waste so much money with the budget you have on your hand for production.

Anyway, my point and my problem here is should I stay or should I go. Should I take this opportunity that comes sparsely or should I stay and wait for the right time to get out of my work permanently?

If I take this chance, I'll miss a week of work but I am satisfied because I will learn a lot of things from the production especially since it's one of my fields during college. I'll probably get the fire or creative passion back in me again.

 If I stay, however, then it'll just be the same mundane days where I'll whine for some segments of that day and wait for Friday night to come to feel better and it's on repeat until I decided to throw the towel.

This is a conflict of passion and practicality. Which do I choose? An opportunity where I might earn little money but I'll learn and get a lot of things out of it or a job so mundane but the compensation is a bit higher than the former though it's still a bit too low for general people's standards? And I only have today to decide because the production starts tomorrow.

I hope that with the decision I make later, I won't somehow lose myself in regret (or I think it'll happen if I choose to stay.)

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Appreciations

Dear friend,

I had a dream two days ago. I and a significant girl were in a building. I think we were inside our university in my dream. Then suddenly, she just cried and I hugged her to comfort her. At first, it was awkward because we are not exactly in good terms for a while and even until now. But in that dream, I just want to hug her and make her feel better. Then I woke up after that.

I know that dreams sometimes communicate what the subconscious or maybe the mind itself wants to say to you and it manifests like it's bursting out of the balloon. After waking up from that dream, I realize that I think I like her and maybe, I need her after all.

This particular girl I'm talking about has been a really good friend to me during my last year of college life. Then, she revealed to me after college that she likes me. I don't know if she still does after what I did to her which I deeply regret. Anyway, she and the rest of my college friends made my college days awesome but I made a lot of awesome memories with this girl because she made me experience things I've never done before we got together and hang out.

She took me to watch foreign films for free in some mall during the summer vacation before college graduation. She introduced me to a lot of things and schools of thoughts. She gave me a deeper insight about art and life. She took me out of my shell. And the most significant and sweetest thing I have ever received from someone is that she made me feel I exist and I'm a significant person.

She accepted my flaws and understood my lunacy. 

And I think that's a rare thing to happen because I think I'm totally messed up and an emotional wreck.

I don't want this post to become an emotional one and pour out all my regrets here. I want this post to be memorable to appreciate her for all the things she did for me. I deeply regret what I did to her, for hurting her feelings to be exact and I want to redeem myself and start over with her. I think I am ready. I just hope she forgives me and we'll take things from there.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Incoherent Crap

Dear friend,

We all know that emotions enhances the experience of life. It sort of gives more life to the experiences and encounters during our lives. But sometimes, emotions derail us from logic and rationality. What's worse is that I'm emotional. I'm actually too emotional for a man's standards or maybe, the ideal level of emotion for men if there's such a thing or maybe, I'm rambling on like an idiot, saying things that don't exist.

I'm having troubles reaching out to people these past two or three days. I suddenly doubt if I really belong to where I am right now or maybe I should just loosen up and open myself to others. But it seems hard especially when other people see this other side. I'm thinking too much about what happens if they see me that way. Will they just go on with their lives or will they leave me behind?

I used to think that being alone is a nice thing because it helps me think and understand more about the things I'm trying to process but when I reached the senior year of my college life, I realized that I need friends to lighten up, help me comprehend what's happening, and even give me an orientation of the things I haven't experienced in my life.

You see, I've been spending my time too much in my shelter. I give in to my fears and I hate myself for that. When I see or hear people experiencing new things or they know these things I don't, I feel bad for myself to the point of regret and beating myself up for not doing these things.

That's why I need friends these days. It's because I don't want to think too much anymore. When I think too much, I spiral down to the point of breakdown and I don't want it to happen anymore. I want to move on and get out. I want to enjoy life with other people. But because of the fear, I hesitate and pull out and I want to punch myself so bad that I almost want to hate myself for being idle and for giving in to the fear.

I apologize if this post is so incoherent that you will get lost in this mess of mine. I just want to let this out and I can't express this vocally. I always end up hesitating when saying these things out from my mouth. I just want to write these things all out. I know the effect is not really that much and I know that I think no one or only one person reads the crap I'm posting beside myself.

I just want to improve and adjust. I want to understand. I want to get out.

Please. 

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: What's Going On?

Dear friend,

Remember my post about starting with a new job? Well, I am happy to report that I am having a good time so far.

I'm currently a trainee for the job. I am not yet a regular in the position but I'm fine with it because I'm using the training as an adjustment period for myself, especially for my body clock since the job involves a nocturnal lifestyle or in simple words, I have to stay up all night which is really new for me.

When I go to work, the sky is dark and the moon shines in the horizon. When I get out of the building, the sun is already rising and my eyes are heavy and tired. But when I reach home and my bed, I can't fall asleep easily. I still have to do things to exhaust myself for a nice and uninterrupted sleep. I'm not whining about it, okay?

Anyway, I find my co-trainees cool and awesome to hang out with. At first, there's an air of awkwardness between those who just joined in and those who already met during the job offer. But after two or three days, I think, we all sort of blend in harmoniously though there were some ripples along the way because we're still trying to read and grasp the limits of each other.

There's also no feel of competition luckily among us and it's a good thing because we are trained to work together as a team. We're not in some reality show where it's every man for himself and I find it actually cool to learn from my co-trainees too because we're all different from each other and I want to learn and experience new things from them and with them.

The training itself is a blast though I'm still grasping on some of the topics because the job I'm about to delve into is pretty new and a bit far from my field but it's okay because it would be nice to be exposed to new things. I even experienced culture shock this past week because of the information being discussed during the training.

I still have a few weeks before the training period ends and the real challenge begins so I have to make the most out of the training because I think this will be the only time where I can bond with my co-trainees freely. Because once the real work begins, our time will be squeezed and I am a bit nervous about the things that lie ahead.

I really hope I can pass the training too and hold on to this job for a long while because I really need to do something for myself and my family.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Starting Over

Dear friend,

As you can see, this is my first post for 2013. Hooray. But it's not really a breakthrough so we can scrap the confetti aside and just get on with the point.

For several months since my graduation, I have been struggling to get a job and stay in one. It's not that I quit so soon from my previous job because I can't handle it. There's another reason which concerns about the salary that made me stop and technically, my "job" is not really a job but more of a side project. But I enjoy my three or four months there.

The people who were my workmates were pretty nice and cool. They are all older than me and most of them have families of their own so when I work with them, there is this feel that I am their youngest brother or something. They are not really too serious because they know how to have fun and when to crack up jokes but when everyone's serious, they are all dead serious about what they're doing.

But the end inevitably came a little soon. I had to stop coming in because I was getting a bit underpaid. I am not the only one who faced this problem but every one of us within that group has that problem. The cause lies within the clients who are not paying punctually and fully.

I think they still haven't paid my workmates even after I left. I felt bad about stopping and sort of abandoning them but I can't ask my parents for travel expenses for long. I also can't ask too much from my boss there for my salary because the salary comes from his own wallet and not from the budget that was supposed to be filled up from the clients' payment.

So I stopped coming there. It was easy to get out because there's no contract involved about my work there. The only thing I signed there is a confidentiality contract about the project we worked on during my time there.

Well, looks like I told too much about one of my previous predicaments last year. Let me move on to the new deal.

I'm about to start with my new job this coming Monday and I am both excited and nervous for this one. I am excited because of a lot of new possibilities inside like new friends and new things to learn but I am also nervous if I can handle this or not. By the way, I can't tell the specifics but I can assure you that it is legal.

My friend who referred me to that job and company tells a lot of stories about her working experiences there and at first, she seems to enjoy it but as her training ends and the real nature of her job started, she slowly started to get stressed and from stories of enjoyment, her stories turned into stressful moments about the job.

I listened to her stories because I'm being a friend and she wants to let out her stress from her work but her stories affected me to the point that I question myself if I can handle the job as soon as training ends. I really hope whatever I learn during the training will stick with me for a long time.

Besides the anxiety, I am also excited like I said before because this is a fresh start for me. With a fresh start come new possibilities like new friends and new experiences. I'm also excited for the lessons I'll learn during the training. And I actually want this excitement to dominate over my anxiety. I don't want the fear to ruin this new opportunity for me.

Speaking of new opportunity, I want to take this job as a springboard or introduction for me to the concept of having a job with a decent pay. I would like to use the job to get the feel of the possible kind of environment I'll encounter in the future when it comes to offices and workplaces.

I also want to think about it as some kind of a memorable experience where even if this is not my dream job, I manage to have fun while working because of the people I will be working with in the days ahead.

I just hope I'll last long in this job and if I slip, I'll stand up and be on my feet quickly because there's no time for grasping the situation when it comes to working. You have to be fast on your feet, be flexible, and be prepared for everything that comes along the way.

Wish me luck in this new start and I wish you luck with your current and future endeavors and challenges.

Sincerely, 

Zepp

My Own Saga: Consistently Inconsistent

Dear friend,

I am really getting consistent at being inconsistent. I have these constant headaches and maybe I get them because of thinking too much. But what am I to do? I can't stop thinking. I mean, we all have got to think in every day of our lives, yes? If you're planning to tell me to stop thinking, perhaps I should tell you right now that I won't stop thinking. Not that I don't listen to my friends' advice but I think my world revolves around thinking.

But due to thinking too much, I think my mind starts to get tired with all the thoughts, especially those things I should not even ponder about. I can't enumerate them all here because I can't remember most of them right now and I do not want to share them here because 90% of them are personal and 10% of them are absurd.

As a result of my mind getting fatigued, I have become more forgetful than ever. There are moments where I go out of my room to get or do something and as soon as I go beyond my door, I forget the thing I'm supposed to get or do.

There are also times where I am getting inconsistent with the stories I tell to my friends, especially when I tell about something that happen on a particular day and I tell it later to my friends but it ended up being skewered because I forgot some of the details already. I can still tell my friend the gist of my stories but some parts went missing.

Another inconsistency is my mood. Sometimes, I want to get out and spend time with my friends but there are times where I lock myself in my room all day long. It is not supposed to be a big deal but it is now because I am bothered.

My guts is another thing that flickers inside myself like a dying light bulb. I have days when I feel I can take on the world but these days also fade away and my courage goes down to scratch. Why can't I be consistently brave or courageous?

I am also having troubles keeping focus at things lately. I think my attention span has decreased because I can concentrate before but now, I get knocked off-course with a blink of an eye and I really, really do not want that anymore.

Because of these inconsistencies, I end up hurting people unintentionally, including my friends and family. The bad part is that I never know that I actually hurt them until they start to avoid me.

I just want to discipline myself, you know. I want to grow up and get my mind in its right place. I want it to be at rest somehow and keep it stress-free. What I mean by "grow up" is to take things seriously and with responsibility because I am really messed up and I've been f***ed up for a long, long time.

I don't know if leaving my room, the house, and my family for a while will help but there is a strong chance that it will help because I can use the peace and silence. The house is really kind of noisy when my family's here, especially with all the shouting and loud talking. By the way, they're not shouting because of fighting but they can't hear each other sometimes. They're not all deaf too, okay? They are just jumpy and somewhat overreacting at times, like me. I guess.

I've also thought of talking to a psychiatrist or therapist to help me here but where in this particular shithole can I find such people? And there's a big chance that I cannot afford their services. I consider talking to my friends but I can't find the right words to say because they might not understand what I am going through and what is wrong with me. That's why I really want professional help.

I really hope that before 2013 comes, I can get this ordeal over with and move forward because I really don't want to get stuck in here for decades. I've seen people get on with their lives and I believe I should move forward too because there is no point in staying in one place especially when the people around you are fast on their feet and I do not want to be left behind somehow.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Torn and Still Thinking

Dear You*,

I have a thought that you are getting impatient and I am sorry for making you wait and all but I still don't know what to answer to you. It's been almost two months since you told me what you said and I really don't know what to say. For the second time, I apologize for that.

The thing is I am still torn. I'm supposed to be used with being torn and confused because never in my life have I stopped being torn and confused yet. There are always choices in front of me and I am terribly indecisive so I take my time. I don't want any regrets once I've made my decision. I know that you are still waiting and waiting for my answer but I want to take a few more days in this thing between us because what I will say, no matter what it is, can change our lives or maybe how things go between us.

I also don't want to be pressured by our friends in deciding what to do in this predicament. I don't want to be carried away in deciding. I want this decision to be mine and mine alone. I don't want any push from anyone. I ask for their advice to lay out the possible consequences ahead once I make my move.

I also like to have some space in deciding. I don't know if your constant presence will help me in deciding. I think my conscience will just be more torn and conflicted. So I am asking you for a little space if you can give me a few days of your absence. I think it might help me. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Zepp

*By the way, this "You" I'm referring to is different from the previous "You" from the past.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 4 (Letting Go)

Dear You,

First of all, forgive me for doing this on my blog. I am still finding ways to say it personally... and I'm still looking for the time and guts to say it. But if you ever got the chance to read this, I would like to say sorry.

I'm sorry. These past few months and days, I've been thinking. Every time I'm with you, it's not the same as before. I'm not that happy when I'm with you. I don't feel so enlightened anymore when I'm with you. Instead, I can feel this heaviness inside me. Then, I just realized yesterday what's going on with us.

We're growing up and growing apart. We live in two different worlds now. It's not like in high school anymore where we can share the pain and comfort each other. It's not like that anymore. Our differences begin to manifest. We have different ideas and beliefs. When we contradict each other, you find ways to push what you know. You try to shove in into my head. At least, that's how I look at it. I can be open about things but when I know that someone's trying to push thoughts and things into my head too much, I stop and shut down.

Not only one of us has changed. Both of us changed and these changes have set us apart. I've grown so estranged to you. Our differences have made this gap between us and when we try to close the gaps, the air gets heavier on my side. Our friendship, like people say, is one-sided and complicated or complex.

I had enough of the complications in our friendship. When I want to be with my friends, I want to take things or life in general lightly. I don't want any burdens. When I seek comfort, I want to be enlightened and have more faith and options for myself. When you open your mouth, sometimes, what you say makes my problems more complicated and what's worse is that we both tend to think too much. I don't want to think too much with a friend. I seek company to help me, not to crush me.

I'm sorry if I offended you with all I said here. But that's how I feel right now. Maybe being best friends is not really best for us. We can be just good or close friends from here on out. I hope you understand and please consider what I feel as you read this.

Sincerely,
Zepp

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 3

That awkward moment when you know you still have a lot of things to do but you're not moving because you have no idea where to start. That awkward moment when you listen to a song and suddenly, you feel tears falling from your eyes.

This is how I am right now. Unproductive and breaking down. In my head, I know I have a lot of things to accomplish but it seems that laziness is bringing out the worst in me. I turned into a slob, something I never wanted to become. Things are just lying somewhere around my room. My bag looks like a dumping ground for papers and such. Papers are accidentally crumpled due to my laziness. I've become a bit disorganized with my schedule. My thoughts are just frantically pouring and I am not thinking well.

I want to go back. Return to how I used to live. (Except for the apartment part, it's still convenient.) I want to live my life like I can still handle things without going nuts over them. I want to feel relaxed in a way that I can face my problems head on without acting careless or reckless or stupid. I want to look up to myself as well. I want to feel happy for myself without forgetting the things I'm supposed to prioritize.

I hope that before the year ends, I can finally begin the recovery so that when the new year arrives, I'm also healed. I do not want to stay forever in this phase. I want to grow up. I want to move on. I want to let most of the unnecessary burdens go and walk my life with the important ones. Finally, I want to breathe.

"You can breathe today."

(Courtesy of YouTube and Octone Records)

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 2 (Brain Storm)

No, this is not the brainstorm where we share thoughts and ideas and stuffs. This is the literal brain storm, as in surge of thoughts are rushing simultaneously in my brain. They're swirling in this vortex and pounding my brain against my skull like some tumor but of course, I don't have any tumor in my head... Not that I'm aware of.

It's all the same old whine you've been reading here. I'm pressured. I'm stressed. And I am tired. Jaded. Exhausted. (I'm going dramatic... Ugh. Curse this sh*t.) Yet, there are a lot of things to be done. Like I said before, there is no more room, no more time to take a deep breath. No more time to sit and think.  No more space to just stare at the sun, stare at the clouds, stare at the vast fields (if there's one in this urban jungle). There's basically no more time for myself.

Every time I turn and look somewhere else, there's always the school works. There's always the petty drama of my life. There's always the sappy, emotional torment. They are the claws that want to rip me to shreds, figuratively speaking.

Then, there's the time. It's moving fast yet the time we have is pretty short and we'll never notice the time passing by, sneaking behind us until it bites us in the ass. I know we have a lot of breaks and I should be thankful about it but unfortunately, I can't smile about it. We unfortunately have some school works so there's technically little time to rest. Well, I guess it all ends up in time management.

I'm also drowning in school works. I have to bear the fact that I'll just be stressed no matter where I look at it. Of course, I know the association of stress to school works but I'm concerned about the degree or level of stress I'll get from these school works. I want to decrease the stress because I'm still young and these problems seem to be a bit meager to adults. I still have a lot to experience so what if I finally stepped into the real world and I'm already worn out?

This is the last semester. After this, say hello to the real world where pain is more real than high school or college. I'm supposed to enhance myself and be more mature about things and stuff but yeah, I'm falling apart. I'm messed up. I'm sh*tty as crap. I'm totally lost. My mind can't think straight these past few days. If you see me by the corridors, my face either looks blank or bleak. My genuine or real laughter is going to the rarity side these days.

I thought things will finally work out the way I saw it before the semester started but due to my stubbornness and some other factors, I failed. I must kick my ass first before I can start moving.

(Looks like I spilled my problems here. A bit of inconsistency with Part 1.)

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 1

This is the time of stress. It's just the preliminary term and I already looked like a burn-out. My mind is fried. Stress is everywhere and problems that I'm not supposed to entertain find their way to my eyes. I don't even know why they keep popping in front of me.

I will not elaborate these problems. If I do it here, what's the sense of talking personally if I already spilled the stuff here?

Anyway, I know it sounds weak but I'd like to get out of my normal life even just for a while, even if I need to be catatonic for a week. Just a week is all I ask. I want to shut my mind down and just enjoy my life for once. It's been my whine for a while. Are you getting sick of my whines? :D I kid. Still, you can let me know.

I want to sit on a recliner or even spend some time in a beach, just watching the tides go by or better yet, just lie down on the grass in some mountain top and just feel the cool breeze as I watch the clouds drifting slowly. But there's no place like these here unfortunately. All I see are concrete buildings for trees, smoke and smug for fog and mist, car horns for birds chirping and contaminated wind for the cool breeze. There's no room to set my eyes and mind for some rest and tranquility.

It just saddens me to see all these while I live the ideal, complicated life of a college student. The last thing I need is hearing a Justin Bieber song near my ears. It might make me go on a frenzy.