My Own Saga: Appreciations

Dear friend,

I had a dream two days ago. I and a significant girl were in a building. I think we were inside our university in my dream. Then suddenly, she just cried and I hugged her to comfort her. At first, it was awkward because we are not exactly in good terms for a while and even until now. But in that dream, I just want to hug her and make her feel better. Then I woke up after that.

I know that dreams sometimes communicate what the subconscious or maybe the mind itself wants to say to you and it manifests like it's bursting out of the balloon. After waking up from that dream, I realize that I think I like her and maybe, I need her after all.

This particular girl I'm talking about has been a really good friend to me during my last year of college life. Then, she revealed to me after college that she likes me. I don't know if she still does after what I did to her which I deeply regret. Anyway, she and the rest of my college friends made my college days awesome but I made a lot of awesome memories with this girl because she made me experience things I've never done before we got together and hang out.

She took me to watch foreign films for free in some mall during the summer vacation before college graduation. She introduced me to a lot of things and schools of thoughts. She gave me a deeper insight about art and life. She took me out of my shell. And the most significant and sweetest thing I have ever received from someone is that she made me feel I exist and I'm a significant person.

She accepted my flaws and understood my lunacy. 

And I think that's a rare thing to happen because I think I'm totally messed up and an emotional wreck.

I don't want this post to become an emotional one and pour out all my regrets here. I want this post to be memorable to appreciate her for all the things she did for me. I deeply regret what I did to her, for hurting her feelings to be exact and I want to redeem myself and start over with her. I think I am ready. I just hope she forgives me and we'll take things from there.

Sincerely,

Zepp

My Own Saga: Consistently Inconsistent

Dear friend,

I am really getting consistent at being inconsistent. I have these constant headaches and maybe I get them because of thinking too much. But what am I to do? I can't stop thinking. I mean, we all have got to think in every day of our lives, yes? If you're planning to tell me to stop thinking, perhaps I should tell you right now that I won't stop thinking. Not that I don't listen to my friends' advice but I think my world revolves around thinking.

But due to thinking too much, I think my mind starts to get tired with all the thoughts, especially those things I should not even ponder about. I can't enumerate them all here because I can't remember most of them right now and I do not want to share them here because 90% of them are personal and 10% of them are absurd.

As a result of my mind getting fatigued, I have become more forgetful than ever. There are moments where I go out of my room to get or do something and as soon as I go beyond my door, I forget the thing I'm supposed to get or do.

There are also times where I am getting inconsistent with the stories I tell to my friends, especially when I tell about something that happen on a particular day and I tell it later to my friends but it ended up being skewered because I forgot some of the details already. I can still tell my friend the gist of my stories but some parts went missing.

Another inconsistency is my mood. Sometimes, I want to get out and spend time with my friends but there are times where I lock myself in my room all day long. It is not supposed to be a big deal but it is now because I am bothered.

My guts is another thing that flickers inside myself like a dying light bulb. I have days when I feel I can take on the world but these days also fade away and my courage goes down to scratch. Why can't I be consistently brave or courageous?

I am also having troubles keeping focus at things lately. I think my attention span has decreased because I can concentrate before but now, I get knocked off-course with a blink of an eye and I really, really do not want that anymore.

Because of these inconsistencies, I end up hurting people unintentionally, including my friends and family. The bad part is that I never know that I actually hurt them until they start to avoid me.

I just want to discipline myself, you know. I want to grow up and get my mind in its right place. I want it to be at rest somehow and keep it stress-free. What I mean by "grow up" is to take things seriously and with responsibility because I am really messed up and I've been f***ed up for a long, long time.

I don't know if leaving my room, the house, and my family for a while will help but there is a strong chance that it will help because I can use the peace and silence. The house is really kind of noisy when my family's here, especially with all the shouting and loud talking. By the way, they're not shouting because of fighting but they can't hear each other sometimes. They're not all deaf too, okay? They are just jumpy and somewhat overreacting at times, like me. I guess.

I've also thought of talking to a psychiatrist or therapist to help me here but where in this particular shithole can I find such people? And there's a big chance that I cannot afford their services. I consider talking to my friends but I can't find the right words to say because they might not understand what I am going through and what is wrong with me. That's why I really want professional help.

I really hope that before 2013 comes, I can get this ordeal over with and move forward because I really don't want to get stuck in here for decades. I've seen people get on with their lives and I believe I should move forward too because there is no point in staying in one place especially when the people around you are fast on their feet and I do not want to be left behind somehow.

Sincerely,

Zepp

Graduation Blues

I just got home and feeling a little intoxicated from celebrating Film Society's anniversary. I'll miss the people in this organization. They are totally awesome people and ever since I joined this org, a lot of things have transpired and affected me deeply. I even never thought that these people will accept me for who I am and I felt so comfortable being myself with them.

Not only will I miss the org and its people but I will also miss a lot of my mates in college. I also learned a lot from them about dealing with other kinds of personalities and dealing with life itself. I learned a lot of good things and some bad habits but sometimes, it's okay to be flawed unlike in high school where teenagers are judged on how they look and act and once you did something pretty embarrassing, it'll stick up their tiny minds and will remember you for that sole act of humiliation. In college, when you did something embarrassing, it'll turn out to be funny and your mates will laugh with you, not at you.

I'll miss the sections I've been into and the closest friends I met in those sections. They are absolutely better than high school in general. You can sense my bitterness towards high school. For my high school friends, I also enjoy your company of course. Don't get me wrong, okay? You all know the things I went through and survived.

Besides the students, I'll also terribly miss some of my mentors in college especially those who've become my acquaintances and friends. I'm not a suck-up to my professors during classes but they are really approachable when classes are over. They are actually cool and can crack up jokes. They're not really strict outside the four walls of the classrooms. I'll never forget the laughs I shared with certain professors during thesis writings and just hanging out with them during breaks.

One of the few things I won't miss is the school and its terrible and complicated system. I won't elaborate on this one as it ruins the mood. I'll just leave it as is. People will have to see the flaws for themselves.

It just sucks that good things will come to an end and this is one of the good things I'll be having a hard time to let go since I am just starting to enjoy it but what the hell. It's my loss. College life has somehow become the best part of my life because I really enjoyed participating and becoming a part of other people's lives. Even if I hesitated to get out of my shell at first, I really had a good time. I also learned a lot and college life has opened my mind to a lot of perspectives and lessons that the classroom can't give me.

Now that one more event awaits me before I finally and officially leave the phase of college, I face uncertainty. I'm uncertain of what will happen next after graduation, how I'll begin my life as a fresh graduate and where I'll look for jobs. With the help of college, I am somehow equipped with the skills and traits that made me into who I am right now and I hope I can use them well to help me get a job and of course, to feel better about myself.

To the people who've been a part of my four years of college, thank you and I know that graduation will not be the last time we will all see each other. The earth is still small and we will find each other in some ways. The sentences popping inside my head are getting sappy and cheesy so I guess I'll stop here before it gets worse.

New Year's Resolution and a Look Back to 2011

2011, like I said in some social networking site, has been a very tumultuous year for me. A lot has happened. Obviously. The year can possibly be summarized through my blog posts here but there are still events I left out here because some are too big while some are too small to matter. Many memories will be treasured and many memories will be thrown away. I had quite a lot of experiences this year and most of these experiences changed and rocked the way I lived my life yet I still have so many things to go through and understand to grow up.

There are times I am very proud of what I've become. There were these times I've never felt happy of what I've done to myself and the things I have achieved this year though I achieved a little. There were also the times where I regret all my failures due to cowardice and of course, the awkwardness of the situation to me which most or maybe all of you may not understand. These were the times where I want to hit myself very hard in the head or bump my head so hard on the wall that I die instantly due to severe head trauma and hemorrhage. Yeah. I am that hard to myself.

I also became free this year and learned a lot of things from living away from home. I also met a lot of people and experienced the things I never experienced when living at home because of this newly-gained freedom. (It's not really new anymore.) I know I sounded like a child who just got out of its crib for the first time but I treasure this freedom because I know it will help me more in understanding the things I'll experience when I finally left the comforts of my house and my parents.

2011 is a very emotional year for me as evident with "Breaking Down" posts. I have never cried this many in the previous years and yeah, I cry! Okay! It may be too sensitive for me to cry but come on, I can still break down, you know.

Anyway, if you wish to look back on what has happened to my 2011, you can do so with the chronicles while I move on to my second part of this post which is my new year's resolution. I am taking this chance and time to write something long and meaningful to say goodbye and leave all the troubles of 2011 behind and wave hello to the New Year, to 2012. Maybe it'll take time for my first post for 2012 because I'll be focusing on my studies now. (Please let me focus...)

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION:

1. I have already mentioned the first one above which is to focus on my studies. I am literally shaken with what's happening to me in the academic part of my life. Looks like I had too much fun. It's really time to put my game face on.
2. To really concentrate on studying, I'll reduce my time on the Internet. Social networking sites have been a distraction to me. I always end up procrastinating on Facebook and rushing with my homework. I must be really really sad with my life right now knowing that I spend too much time on Facebook. 
3. Think before I act. I know I don't want to think too much but of course, I have to think fast right now for we live in a world with a fast pace and acting without thinking can be reckless so I have to plan and consider my actions before doing them. Reckless actions cost a lot of things like time and money.
4. Think before I feel. Another reason for distraction is the emotions. They can really be a pain, a hindrance to my goals for the day, for the week, for the month, and maybe for the year. Sometimes, I don't want to feel for a while to get me going and growing. 
5. Of course, I must consider the things I take or intake. I must start living healthy. Enough said.
6. I'll stay away from peer pressure now. I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I just think it'll be nice if I can be on my own for now to focus on what I should be doing. It's time to get serious.
7. When opportunity knocks, take it. Of course, I don't have to take every opportunity that is presented. I have to choose these opportunities that will interest me and help me in every way to grow up and learn something from the chances. 
8. Manage my time. Having a messy time management does not get me anywhere and it does not bode well at all. If I feel lazy for doing something, I need to kick myself in the ass and move it because time during the second semester is really moving frakking fast. If I procrastinate, everything will be pushed back and they all will become major setbacks. I need to slap myself to snap out of it.
9. I should learn how to let go. Reflecting on my past failures is helpful but not wallowing on them. I should just learn how to move on and forget because as a new day unfolds, there's a chance for redemption. Every day is a new clean slate to start over.

If I ever forgot something, I'll just add them here. If I fail to fulfill even one of these things, I need a psychological evaluation. It's been a very long post and once again, 2012 draws nigh in almost 23 or 24 hours so I say and greet in advance a happy new year to all.

Nostalgia

I watched a movie called Super 8 directed and written by J.J. Abrams this morning. It's a Sci-fi thriller film about a group of friends making a super-8 film (hence, the title) when a train derails and crashes, unleashing a dangerous creature in their town and a chain of mysterious disappearances begin after. Anyway, I'm not here to review the film. Not now, I guess.

After watching the film, nostalgia has been evoked into my mind. I admit that I cried during the ending of Super 8. I am that emotional but what can I do? Besides, the film is really effective. It made me look back to my childhood, even if I don't really have a good childhood in general. I suddenly miss the movies back then. I miss this adventure-like feel of childhood where my buddies and I used to make believe and stuff. We used to imagine things and create scenarios from movies and our minds. I totally enjoyed that part of childhood.

Now I'm all grown up... sort of. Well, I missed that part of my childhood. That part of childhood where imagination takes me anywhere I want to go and on Saturdays and Sundays, I can take an afternoon nap or play on my PlayStation or even do something weird with my friends. I miss the part of my childhood where my laughter is genuine. Those funny but priceless moments with my friends.

I just regret that I follow my parents' orders too much. I forgot to take on more adventures in my childhood because I was trying to make my parents happy. I'm not blaming them or anything.

It just sucks that I don't have this freedom in my childhood where I can explore things for myself. There are still a lot of things I haven't explored yet in my childhood. This is a cliche but I somehow want to go back and experience my childhood once again and maybe this time, set things right. I don't know. Or maybe to just try things I haven't done in my childhood so I can feel somehow contented with my childhood.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 4 (Letting Go)

Dear You,

First of all, forgive me for doing this on my blog. I am still finding ways to say it personally... and I'm still looking for the time and guts to say it. But if you ever got the chance to read this, I would like to say sorry.

I'm sorry. These past few months and days, I've been thinking. Every time I'm with you, it's not the same as before. I'm not that happy when I'm with you. I don't feel so enlightened anymore when I'm with you. Instead, I can feel this heaviness inside me. Then, I just realized yesterday what's going on with us.

We're growing up and growing apart. We live in two different worlds now. It's not like in high school anymore where we can share the pain and comfort each other. It's not like that anymore. Our differences begin to manifest. We have different ideas and beliefs. When we contradict each other, you find ways to push what you know. You try to shove in into my head. At least, that's how I look at it. I can be open about things but when I know that someone's trying to push thoughts and things into my head too much, I stop and shut down.

Not only one of us has changed. Both of us changed and these changes have set us apart. I've grown so estranged to you. Our differences have made this gap between us and when we try to close the gaps, the air gets heavier on my side. Our friendship, like people say, is one-sided and complicated or complex.

I had enough of the complications in our friendship. When I want to be with my friends, I want to take things or life in general lightly. I don't want any burdens. When I seek comfort, I want to be enlightened and have more faith and options for myself. When you open your mouth, sometimes, what you say makes my problems more complicated and what's worse is that we both tend to think too much. I don't want to think too much with a friend. I seek company to help me, not to crush me.

I'm sorry if I offended you with all I said here. But that's how I feel right now. Maybe being best friends is not really best for us. We can be just good or close friends from here on out. I hope you understand and please consider what I feel as you read this.

Sincerely,
Zepp

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for being so emotional.
I'm sorry for breaking down.
I'm sorry that I feel so pressured.
I'm sorry I was depressed for a few days.
I'm sorry I let you down with my promises.
I'm sorry for being such a bad friend.

But one thing is for sure and that is when I am with you this time, I do not feel what I used to feel when we were together back in the past.

Ironic

It's ironic that though the Christmas break is coming and everyone's excited, I'm not even that excited because I know I'll have little time to rest. It's ironic that people in my home are having fun celebrating the feast day of our hometown's patron while my face looks cynically blank.

It's ironic that the things that makes us weak in the present will make us stronger in the future. Sometimes, it's also ironic that when I talk to my best friend, I thought things will get lighter but unfortunately, it gets heavier and more dramatic.

It's also ironic that even if I love the ironies of life, it still hurts me deeply. I can laugh about it but it takes time though. I want to take a rest from this pain, from this ordeal. I want to escape, even for a day, somewhere quiet.

My posts are getting redundant once again. No need to remind me. I guess I should take a break from all this. Focus on something else. Let me breathe for heaven's ass' sake.

Disclaimer

A little disclaimer for me and my friends:

I promise I will not become too competitive as it basically ruins something along the way. Based on several eyewitnesses (including myself), too much competition "kills". It brings up a lot of shit as we go on. It's like I'm in a reality show where chaos roots from the circumstances people will think is trivial.

I'll be competitive alright but I will really make sure that I won't become something uncontrollable. I'll just be more active.

Thank you. Peace out.