We all know that emotions enhances the experience of life. It sort of gives more life to the experiences and encounters during our lives. But sometimes, emotions derail us from logic and rationality. What's worse is that I'm emotional. I'm actually too emotional for a man's standards or maybe, the ideal level of emotion for men if there's such a thing or maybe, I'm rambling on like an idiot, saying things that don't exist.
I'm having troubles reaching out to people these past two or three days. I suddenly doubt if I really belong to where I am right now or maybe I should just loosen up and open myself to others. But it seems hard especially when other people see this other side. I'm thinking too much about what happens if they see me that way. Will they just go on with their lives or will they leave me behind?
I used to think that being alone is a nice thing because it helps me think and understand more about the things I'm trying to process but when I reached the senior year of my college life, I realized that I need friends to lighten up, help me comprehend what's happening, and even give me an orientation of the things I haven't experienced in my life.
You see, I've been spending my time too much in my shelter. I give in to my fears and I hate myself for that. When I see or hear people experiencing new things or they know these things I don't, I feel bad for myself to the point of regret and beating myself up for not doing these things.
That's why I need friends these days. It's because I don't want to think too much anymore. When I think too much, I spiral down to the point of breakdown and I don't want it to happen anymore. I want to move on and get out. I want to enjoy life with other people. But because of the fear, I hesitate and pull out and I want to punch myself so bad that I almost want to hate myself for being idle and for giving in to the fear.
I apologize if this post is so incoherent that you will get lost in this mess of mine. I just want to let this out and I can't express this vocally. I always end up hesitating when saying these things out from my mouth. I just want to write these things all out. I know the effect is not really that much and I know that I think no one or only one person reads the crap I'm posting beside myself.
I just want to improve and adjust. I want to understand. I want to get out.
Please.
Sincerely,
Zepp
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