New Year's Resolution and a Look Back to 2011

2011, like I said in some social networking site, has been a very tumultuous year for me. A lot has happened. Obviously. The year can possibly be summarized through my blog posts here but there are still events I left out here because some are too big while some are too small to matter. Many memories will be treasured and many memories will be thrown away. I had quite a lot of experiences this year and most of these experiences changed and rocked the way I lived my life yet I still have so many things to go through and understand to grow up.

There are times I am very proud of what I've become. There were these times I've never felt happy of what I've done to myself and the things I have achieved this year though I achieved a little. There were also the times where I regret all my failures due to cowardice and of course, the awkwardness of the situation to me which most or maybe all of you may not understand. These were the times where I want to hit myself very hard in the head or bump my head so hard on the wall that I die instantly due to severe head trauma and hemorrhage. Yeah. I am that hard to myself.

I also became free this year and learned a lot of things from living away from home. I also met a lot of people and experienced the things I never experienced when living at home because of this newly-gained freedom. (It's not really new anymore.) I know I sounded like a child who just got out of its crib for the first time but I treasure this freedom because I know it will help me more in understanding the things I'll experience when I finally left the comforts of my house and my parents.

2011 is a very emotional year for me as evident with "Breaking Down" posts. I have never cried this many in the previous years and yeah, I cry! Okay! It may be too sensitive for me to cry but come on, I can still break down, you know.

Anyway, if you wish to look back on what has happened to my 2011, you can do so with the chronicles while I move on to my second part of this post which is my new year's resolution. I am taking this chance and time to write something long and meaningful to say goodbye and leave all the troubles of 2011 behind and wave hello to the New Year, to 2012. Maybe it'll take time for my first post for 2012 because I'll be focusing on my studies now. (Please let me focus...)

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION:

1. I have already mentioned the first one above which is to focus on my studies. I am literally shaken with what's happening to me in the academic part of my life. Looks like I had too much fun. It's really time to put my game face on.
2. To really concentrate on studying, I'll reduce my time on the Internet. Social networking sites have been a distraction to me. I always end up procrastinating on Facebook and rushing with my homework. I must be really really sad with my life right now knowing that I spend too much time on Facebook. 
3. Think before I act. I know I don't want to think too much but of course, I have to think fast right now for we live in a world with a fast pace and acting without thinking can be reckless so I have to plan and consider my actions before doing them. Reckless actions cost a lot of things like time and money.
4. Think before I feel. Another reason for distraction is the emotions. They can really be a pain, a hindrance to my goals for the day, for the week, for the month, and maybe for the year. Sometimes, I don't want to feel for a while to get me going and growing. 
5. Of course, I must consider the things I take or intake. I must start living healthy. Enough said.
6. I'll stay away from peer pressure now. I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I just think it'll be nice if I can be on my own for now to focus on what I should be doing. It's time to get serious.
7. When opportunity knocks, take it. Of course, I don't have to take every opportunity that is presented. I have to choose these opportunities that will interest me and help me in every way to grow up and learn something from the chances. 
8. Manage my time. Having a messy time management does not get me anywhere and it does not bode well at all. If I feel lazy for doing something, I need to kick myself in the ass and move it because time during the second semester is really moving frakking fast. If I procrastinate, everything will be pushed back and they all will become major setbacks. I need to slap myself to snap out of it.
9. I should learn how to let go. Reflecting on my past failures is helpful but not wallowing on them. I should just learn how to move on and forget because as a new day unfolds, there's a chance for redemption. Every day is a new clean slate to start over.

If I ever forgot something, I'll just add them here. If I fail to fulfill even one of these things, I need a psychological evaluation. It's been a very long post and once again, 2012 draws nigh in almost 23 or 24 hours so I say and greet in advance a happy new year to all.

Action-packed Nostalgia

Who never thought summer can be this epic and nostalgic at the same time? Preadolescent protagonists plus an adventure of their lives in their little town result to an action-packed yet sentimental summer movie for all in J.J. Abrams' Super 8.

Super 8 is about six friends making a zombie movie with a super-8 mm camera when a train derails and unleashes a dangerous presence in the town of Lillian, Ohio. The mystery is not about what this presence is but what it wants.

The movie contains a lot of homage to Steven Spielberg's movies back in the '80s and as a result, it has this feel of movies adults and children born from the early 90s like me used to watch during the weekends. Super 8 is very very nostalgic indeed to me that it reminded me some good parts of my childhood especially the theme of friendship which the movie tackles among other themes like young love and adventure. The young actors truly gave life and distinctive personalities to their respective characters and all of the six friends have on-screen chemistry which also helped evoke the nostalgia.

Larry Fong's cinematography helped make the action sequences more epic especially in the biggest set piece of the movie which is the train derailment sequence. This sequence, I consider it as one of the best action sequences of the year after Final Destination 5's bridge collapsing sequence. A J.J. Abrams film will not be complete without its score by Michael Giacchino who did an excellent job with the film score especially in the ending.

Director-writer J.J. Abrams deserves praise for balancing action, mystery, humor and unexpectedly, heart in the movie. I never thought I would actually cry during the film's ending thanks to an emotional performance by Joel Courtney and to Michael Giacchino's score.

I just saw Super 8 so I know I'm a little late for the review but I can't help but write one because it really is a summer blockbuster that not only contains visual thrills and a good story, it also contains humor, drama, and most importantly, nostalgia. A few days have passed since I watched it and still, the nostalgia evoked by the movie is still taking effect on me as what you read in my post before this.

RATING: 5/5

TRAILER:

(Trailer and images courtesy of YouTube and Google)

Nostalgia

I watched a movie called Super 8 directed and written by J.J. Abrams this morning. It's a Sci-fi thriller film about a group of friends making a super-8 film (hence, the title) when a train derails and crashes, unleashing a dangerous creature in their town and a chain of mysterious disappearances begin after. Anyway, I'm not here to review the film. Not now, I guess.

After watching the film, nostalgia has been evoked into my mind. I admit that I cried during the ending of Super 8. I am that emotional but what can I do? Besides, the film is really effective. It made me look back to my childhood, even if I don't really have a good childhood in general. I suddenly miss the movies back then. I miss this adventure-like feel of childhood where my buddies and I used to make believe and stuff. We used to imagine things and create scenarios from movies and our minds. I totally enjoyed that part of childhood.

Now I'm all grown up... sort of. Well, I missed that part of my childhood. That part of childhood where imagination takes me anywhere I want to go and on Saturdays and Sundays, I can take an afternoon nap or play on my PlayStation or even do something weird with my friends. I miss the part of my childhood where my laughter is genuine. Those funny but priceless moments with my friends.

I just regret that I follow my parents' orders too much. I forgot to take on more adventures in my childhood because I was trying to make my parents happy. I'm not blaming them or anything.

It just sucks that I don't have this freedom in my childhood where I can explore things for myself. There are still a lot of things I haven't explored yet in my childhood. This is a cliche but I somehow want to go back and experience my childhood once again and maybe this time, set things right. I don't know. Or maybe to just try things I haven't done in my childhood so I can feel somehow contented with my childhood.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 4 (Letting Go)

Dear You,

First of all, forgive me for doing this on my blog. I am still finding ways to say it personally... and I'm still looking for the time and guts to say it. But if you ever got the chance to read this, I would like to say sorry.

I'm sorry. These past few months and days, I've been thinking. Every time I'm with you, it's not the same as before. I'm not that happy when I'm with you. I don't feel so enlightened anymore when I'm with you. Instead, I can feel this heaviness inside me. Then, I just realized yesterday what's going on with us.

We're growing up and growing apart. We live in two different worlds now. It's not like in high school anymore where we can share the pain and comfort each other. It's not like that anymore. Our differences begin to manifest. We have different ideas and beliefs. When we contradict each other, you find ways to push what you know. You try to shove in into my head. At least, that's how I look at it. I can be open about things but when I know that someone's trying to push thoughts and things into my head too much, I stop and shut down.

Not only one of us has changed. Both of us changed and these changes have set us apart. I've grown so estranged to you. Our differences have made this gap between us and when we try to close the gaps, the air gets heavier on my side. Our friendship, like people say, is one-sided and complicated or complex.

I had enough of the complications in our friendship. When I want to be with my friends, I want to take things or life in general lightly. I don't want any burdens. When I seek comfort, I want to be enlightened and have more faith and options for myself. When you open your mouth, sometimes, what you say makes my problems more complicated and what's worse is that we both tend to think too much. I don't want to think too much with a friend. I seek company to help me, not to crush me.

I'm sorry if I offended you with all I said here. But that's how I feel right now. Maybe being best friends is not really best for us. We can be just good or close friends from here on out. I hope you understand and please consider what I feel as you read this.

Sincerely,
Zepp

Drama in the Apocalypse

Two sisters. Two planets. When they all collide, it's a unique, haunting, dramatic and powerful story.That's how it is in Lars Von Trier's Melancholia.

Melancholia is about two sisters named Justine and Claire (Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg). Justine has just been wedded to Michael (Alexander Skarsgard) and Claire, together with her husband John (Kiefer Sutherland), prepares a party for the newlyweds. As the party goes, Justine slowly grows distant and depressed. Meanwhile, Melancholia, a rogue planet that has been hiding behind the sun, shows up and threatens to collide with Earth.

Von Trier has a knack for writing good and unique stories and is also gifted in bringing his ideas to screen and life. I have seen this and his recent film prior to this which is Antichrist that also stars Charlotte Gainsbourg in the lead role and so far, I can tell his works are very original indeed. He can bring out the best of his actors especially in Melancholia where Kirsten Dunst brings an exceptional performance as Justine who slowly descends into depression and accepts calmly her fate in the hands of Melancholia. I agree with what the critics has to say for Kirsten. This is truly a career breakthrough for her. Charlotte Gainsbourg, on the other hand, switches gears from being a woman manifesting a twisted behavior in Antichrist to a fragile and scared Claire in this film. She can get emotional without overacting so much.

Melancholia has become one of my all-time favorites instantly. I loved how the film has this realistic feel to me. I was somehow absorbed in this film as I watched it and the characters begin to brace for Melancholia, I can feel what they are going through without relating myself to them. The movie is dramatically epic and as the end unfolds, I can't help but to brace myself. Until now, the images of Melancholia left me a bit tormented and thinking.

RATING: 5/5


TRAILER:

(Trailer courtesy of YouTube)

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for being so emotional.
I'm sorry for breaking down.
I'm sorry that I feel so pressured.
I'm sorry I was depressed for a few days.
I'm sorry I let you down with my promises.
I'm sorry for being such a bad friend.

But one thing is for sure and that is when I am with you this time, I do not feel what I used to feel when we were together back in the past.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 3

That awkward moment when you know you still have a lot of things to do but you're not moving because you have no idea where to start. That awkward moment when you listen to a song and suddenly, you feel tears falling from your eyes.

This is how I am right now. Unproductive and breaking down. In my head, I know I have a lot of things to accomplish but it seems that laziness is bringing out the worst in me. I turned into a slob, something I never wanted to become. Things are just lying somewhere around my room. My bag looks like a dumping ground for papers and such. Papers are accidentally crumpled due to my laziness. I've become a bit disorganized with my schedule. My thoughts are just frantically pouring and I am not thinking well.

I want to go back. Return to how I used to live. (Except for the apartment part, it's still convenient.) I want to live my life like I can still handle things without going nuts over them. I want to feel relaxed in a way that I can face my problems head on without acting careless or reckless or stupid. I want to look up to myself as well. I want to feel happy for myself without forgetting the things I'm supposed to prioritize.

I hope that before the year ends, I can finally begin the recovery so that when the new year arrives, I'm also healed. I do not want to stay forever in this phase. I want to grow up. I want to move on. I want to let most of the unnecessary burdens go and walk my life with the important ones. Finally, I want to breathe.

"You can breathe today."

(Courtesy of YouTube and Octone Records)

About to E-X-P-L-O-D-E

I'm emotionally on the verge of cracking up right now. It is weird that I always get cranky and sometimes, I end up doing something reckless and shitty that it reaches to the point of regret. What I'm going through right now may look like hell to me but it is still petty to adults. It's nothing to them because they all say they've been there and they've done it but that's beside the point.

My head is spinning and I am getting restless. You have been reading the same old whines over and over again and this time, I'm this close to exploding. This frakking close. I am shutting down. My mind is shutting down and I am not liking this. Who does? I guess I had too much happiness that my mind is finally getting lazy.

But why now? Why this semester? It's already the last semester of my college life and I'm frakking shutting down. I could totally use some time alone to think and maybe a day with someone to talk to. I think I can't talk to my best friend as we have this tendency to set the atmosphere into something heavy and too serious that I can't bear.

I want to talk to someone who can enlighten me without thinking of anything like what I'm going through is ridiculous to that person. I want to talk to someone who can assure to me that everything will really be okay without giving too much advice and bombarding my head with it. I want to be relaxed when I talk to this someone. I want to lean my head on her shoulder and if and when I cry, I want her to hug me and let me cry while I still can.

Maybe it's finally time I should get a girlfriend. A real one. I can use some other form of happiness here.

Ironic

It's ironic that though the Christmas break is coming and everyone's excited, I'm not even that excited because I know I'll have little time to rest. It's ironic that people in my home are having fun celebrating the feast day of our hometown's patron while my face looks cynically blank.

It's ironic that the things that makes us weak in the present will make us stronger in the future. Sometimes, it's also ironic that when I talk to my best friend, I thought things will get lighter but unfortunately, it gets heavier and more dramatic.

It's also ironic that even if I love the ironies of life, it still hurts me deeply. I can laugh about it but it takes time though. I want to take a rest from this pain, from this ordeal. I want to escape, even for a day, somewhere quiet.

My posts are getting redundant once again. No need to remind me. I guess I should take a break from all this. Focus on something else. Let me breathe for heaven's ass' sake.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 2 (Brain Storm)

No, this is not the brainstorm where we share thoughts and ideas and stuffs. This is the literal brain storm, as in surge of thoughts are rushing simultaneously in my brain. They're swirling in this vortex and pounding my brain against my skull like some tumor but of course, I don't have any tumor in my head... Not that I'm aware of.

It's all the same old whine you've been reading here. I'm pressured. I'm stressed. And I am tired. Jaded. Exhausted. (I'm going dramatic... Ugh. Curse this sh*t.) Yet, there are a lot of things to be done. Like I said before, there is no more room, no more time to take a deep breath. No more time to sit and think.  No more space to just stare at the sun, stare at the clouds, stare at the vast fields (if there's one in this urban jungle). There's basically no more time for myself.

Every time I turn and look somewhere else, there's always the school works. There's always the petty drama of my life. There's always the sappy, emotional torment. They are the claws that want to rip me to shreds, figuratively speaking.

Then, there's the time. It's moving fast yet the time we have is pretty short and we'll never notice the time passing by, sneaking behind us until it bites us in the ass. I know we have a lot of breaks and I should be thankful about it but unfortunately, I can't smile about it. We unfortunately have some school works so there's technically little time to rest. Well, I guess it all ends up in time management.

I'm also drowning in school works. I have to bear the fact that I'll just be stressed no matter where I look at it. Of course, I know the association of stress to school works but I'm concerned about the degree or level of stress I'll get from these school works. I want to decrease the stress because I'm still young and these problems seem to be a bit meager to adults. I still have a lot to experience so what if I finally stepped into the real world and I'm already worn out?

This is the last semester. After this, say hello to the real world where pain is more real than high school or college. I'm supposed to enhance myself and be more mature about things and stuff but yeah, I'm falling apart. I'm messed up. I'm sh*tty as crap. I'm totally lost. My mind can't think straight these past few days. If you see me by the corridors, my face either looks blank or bleak. My genuine or real laughter is going to the rarity side these days.

I thought things will finally work out the way I saw it before the semester started but due to my stubbornness and some other factors, I failed. I must kick my ass first before I can start moving.

(Looks like I spilled my problems here. A bit of inconsistency with Part 1.)

The Blame Game

The efforts of us students are not enough to enhance our knowledge. An additional push from mentors is also needed to give students the motivation to study. But from what I'm seeing, it's all going down. I don't know who I should blame but there are three things or sides I've come up.

First is the school. The school may have a diverse roster of faculty who practice what they are supposed to teach but there are instances where a practitioner can't communicate what he or she is supposed to teach. I don't know if he or she is somewhat forced to teach a subject because the school's faculty is not enough. What I mean is the school lacks mentors who are good in their fields and can properly teach what they know.

We then have the mentors. There are a few mentors who have that kind of quality in my realm. That one good quality that I mentioned above by the way. Some just know how to talk the talk but they have little to no experience of the application of what they teach and it goes to a situation where the mentor just rambles on and on but he or she is not making any sense at all.

There are times when mentors just find ways or events to cite examples of what they are supposed to elaborate. Some mentors rely too much on books to guide them. What about what they actually know about the subject?

Of course, who can forget about mentors who have no idea what to do at all? What's worse is that they hold the students' fates to finish education but they are not doing anything except for wasting time and air and making students' lives miserable. It sucks that they are the ones to be looked up to but some of them act like they don't. It's just disappointing.

And we finally have the students. Of course, we have a role in this game of blame. Most of us are focusing too much on, I don't know, the social aspect of college. It's like we're still breathing in the same air of high school. I know it's good to make connections and stuff but we don't have to neglect the privilege to learn and pick up new knowledge that is vital to the next chapter of our lives which unfolds after graduation. (What I said also pierced my mind.) We need this push from our mentors but we also need to push ourselves if their push is not enough. If you can't be motivated by your mentor, find motivation somewhere else.

I know this rant may offend some people. If it doesn't, well, it's nice because it's not meant to offend someone. I just want to wake myself up because I'm in an academic mess and I hope this will be my eye-opener or something.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 1

This is the time of stress. It's just the preliminary term and I already looked like a burn-out. My mind is fried. Stress is everywhere and problems that I'm not supposed to entertain find their way to my eyes. I don't even know why they keep popping in front of me.

I will not elaborate these problems. If I do it here, what's the sense of talking personally if I already spilled the stuff here?

Anyway, I know it sounds weak but I'd like to get out of my normal life even just for a while, even if I need to be catatonic for a week. Just a week is all I ask. I want to shut my mind down and just enjoy my life for once. It's been my whine for a while. Are you getting sick of my whines? :D I kid. Still, you can let me know.

I want to sit on a recliner or even spend some time in a beach, just watching the tides go by or better yet, just lie down on the grass in some mountain top and just feel the cool breeze as I watch the clouds drifting slowly. But there's no place like these here unfortunately. All I see are concrete buildings for trees, smoke and smug for fog and mist, car horns for birds chirping and contaminated wind for the cool breeze. There's no room to set my eyes and mind for some rest and tranquility.

It just saddens me to see all these while I live the ideal, complicated life of a college student. The last thing I need is hearing a Justin Bieber song near my ears. It might make me go on a frenzy.

C'est La Vie

"The only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability."

- Remy (Ratatouille, 2007)

This is true. We all know that life is unpredictable but we'll never know how life hits us with its unpredictability and that's one of the biggest surprises life offers everyone who's breathing.

Sometimes, surprises are awesome to the point that you're hoping that time will slow down for you to absorb the moment wholly. But there are times where surprises will just knock you off your feet and force you to crawl on your bed as you shed a tear, wishing that this moment will end so fast.

This is what I feel right now. Yesterday has one of the worst moments of my life. Yesterday was supposed to be, I don't know, normal and yet special because my mind is supposed to take a rest for the coming day. I don't feel well yesterday because I'm tired. My mind is tired and I lack hours of sleep. Then, time goes by and everything was going seemingly right. But before the day ended, I did something foolish. I don't know if foolish is the right word. It looks like an understatement to what I did but what the hell.

(I will not elaborate the deed because I'm not here to talk about what I did. I'm here to talk about what I felt afterwards.)

So there. I can feel the consequences drifting near and today's supposed to be my rest day where I can enjoy the day off with my friends but I am plagued with the memory of yesterday. (Sounds dramatic? C'est la vie, as my college mate keeps telling me.) I keep telling myself to just move on and I'm not the only one who experienced downfalls but my stupid mind keeps on returning to that particular thought. It's similar to the time when I tried to sleep but my mind can't stop thinking. It's like that. My mind is sometimes misaligned with my body. If you know what I mean.

And now, you might want to ask me how long I am going to wallow. Well, I can't tell but all I can say is it'll be quick because I only have a day or two to think about it without any distractions.

Another Birthday and Some Rushes

One of my close friends from high school just celebrated her birthday yesterday. Once again, I'd like not to mention her name for security purposes. (I'm paranoid, okay?) I just hope she enjoyed celebrating her day with her college friends for this coming Wednesday, we'll celebrate her birthday.

Yup. Got no classes this Wednesday! Booyah! Time to get some good rest because I have no classes for Wednesday and luckily, my weekly day-off comes along this Thursday. I can knock myself off with all the academic stresses and shit.

For the past week, I've been in a rush with all the homework in Radio and Television (RTV) and Debate. They're totally taking up my time and attention span and these two really rocked my world because the deadlines for the homework for these two subjects is due today, well, a few hours from now. Today will be a long and busy day for me but I can't wait to rest my arse and enjoy a good day with my high school friends.

No need to think of some heavy mindf*ck in these two days. Just rest, enjoy, and live.

A Birthday and Some Kicks

First off, I'd like to greet one of my close friends in college who's also another blogger here a happy birthday! I can't say her name here for security purposes. I'll greet her in person to make it better. Her stories spice up my day and her energy is just very high. I wish her good health (Of course!), more happiness that she deserves, more strength, and more love in the coming years.

About the treats, don't worry about it. Stories are enough. :D

Moving on, after reading her blog today, I just realized that we both experienced this joy from our friends. At least, she maximizes every happiness with them. I still have to learn how to be open to them. I closed my world too much and I think it's time to open up.

My mates don't deserve it I guess. They're trying their best to break my walls and it's time to get out and just enjoy their company and share what they want to hear from me because I seldom speak about some of my personal stuff. I know what to share and what is not meant for sharing so don't worry.

They're cool people and they don't really deserved to be shut out so I'll try real hard to be more open. They've been real to me and it's about time that I return the favor.

Life on the Fast Pace

The world is moving fast, sometimes, a little too fast that there's no more time to take a deep breath. People are always in a hurry and usually, it affects their decision making. Most of the people I see are deciding based on impulse. There's no more room for thinking even for a few seconds. It is just sad that the world acts like this today.

I know that it's like this because of the fast improvements and innovations and such but it doesn't mean that we have to move ourselves fast. Life is already too short. Sometimes, we have to take life one day at a time and not one hour at a time. How can we live our lives to the fullest if we hurry? Think about it.

There's no need to rush everything. No need to say everything all at once. It's alright to sit for a moment, think and reflect. It is lame to most but to me, it's okay to think and ponder for a while. Think about what we've done for the whole day. Think about what we've done for our whole lives. Because someday, it's too late to see and feel the regrets about something we shouldn't have done in the past. It's too late to weep and ponder for our punishment is already behind us.

It's better to think before we act to avoid these regrets in the future. People might not catch this drift because they have their own pace. Let's leave it at that. If they have their pace, so do you.

See The Light

There are a lot of things I want to do but unfortunately, I reached the time when things are now complicated and there's no more room to breathe, loosen up and explore. It just sucks to realize at this time that I'm not living my life to the fullest. A lot of things can be blamed but I have myself to be ultimately pointed at.

I got used too much in living an "uptight" life, trying to follow and impress my parents I guess. Now that I'm living on my own, sort of, I find it hard to explore new things but I am trying to grasp new experiences especially the things I can never do if I still live in my home. It sucks that I failed to maximize this newly-gained freedom. Right now, I have lots of regrets in the things I failed to do.

Last night, I got one of the biggest slaps in my existence from a college mate. Almost every single word he said to me pierced like arrows to my head and the sentences that are still echoing inside my head left me teary-eyed. He made me realize the things I just said above. He also made me realize that (not the exact words but from what I understood) what if I never got the chance to explore life, how can I be capable of making decisions, especially the biggest, life-changing decisions I'll make in the future.

*sigh*

Another thing he made me realize is that sometimes, I need to open up and start loving and trusting myself for others to accept and trust me as well. Insecurities have become one of the constant things on earth besides change and we have to accept these insecurities because they'll become our stepping stones for the changes we seek to reap from ourselves. If we accept these insecurities in us, we can begin to change ourselves and people will see the better half of ourselves. Most of the time, people should adjust to us but not all of the time, they'll adjust for us so we have to adjust for them as well.

Thanks to that person for opening my eyes and enlightening me even if it's a bit late. He's one of the coolest people I met in college and I admire him for his wisdom and strength.

Bottled Up Inside

I think I went overboard yesterday. Lots of overthinking. Pressured, stressed, tired. I'm an emotional train wreck. What the hell is going on with me? Last night, I just shut myself out, went to the balcony of our apartment and just stared at a distance, at the people, at the night sky. Then I had this realization.

No one can help me. 

I'm not going suicidal with this. Suicide is just overrated. What I mean is that I got no one to talk to with my problems. People have been running to me with their problems and I help them get through their ordeals. I have no problem with that but I think I had a little too much...? They've all bottled up inside me and somehow took me over. Now I feel helpless to the point that I have no idea who I can talk to.

I feel like I want to talk to a stranger like a psychiatrist. Especially a psychiatrist. I feel that I can talk to him or her with my thoughts as he or she sits on a chair listening intently. He or she won't think anything bad about me and he or she will give me advice and just that, as simple as that. Nothing will be broken.

Sorry if this post is just too negative or dark and a bit inconsistent in terms of sense. Just expressing myself.

In The Dark

Like what I said in my previous post, a lot of thoughts pop in my head recently and as a result, it was pretty distracting and unnecessary. I don't even know why I keep on dwelling on these thoughts that I should not bother. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. It just sucks that our country does not prefer to that solution because they think that if we all smile, the problems will go away. Well, unfortunately, some will not unless we do something about it. And I consider seeing a psychiatrist as a solution but money hinders me to see one.

These thoughts still bother me. My mind keeps on thinking about them until they take over in such an unnecessary moment. Totally knocks me off-course. This is not how I usually work and live. I usually do not think of such because I thought some of them were a bit superficial. (As some of my friends know, superficial has been coming out of my mouth for a week.) It's not totally me. (Ugh. I hate this sentence though I must comply as it applies to the situation.)

Right now, as I write this post in the dark, literally, they still swim around my mind but they're not dormant anymore. I just wish to get out of this phase before the time gets serious or else I would be in serious trouble with myself and other stuffs.

People Are People

I'm feeling a little woozy right now and my head is feeling heavy. No, I'm not drunk. I just have a lot of things inside my head and the feeling is killing me like crap.

ABSURDITY.


COMPLEXITY.


CONFUSION.


Things like these, they have their way of driving me insane. First is the absurdity. From what I've seen yesterday, most people expect something special or I'd like to think as superficial. Yeah, the date yesterday was 11-11-11. I'd like to ask them, "So what?" I'm being a kill-joy again but yeah, it just pains me to see people expecting something great as if something magical will happen on that day. The sight was just like saying to a kid that there is no frakking Santa Claus which is really true. There is no Santa Claus. Going back, it just sucks that people expect something from a date when they have to worry about something else more rational than this.

Then, I have complexity. A lot of people told me and made me realize that I'm over-complicating things sometimes as I tend to over-analyze things, even the simplest of things. That's why it hits me the hardest. But of course, it pains me when the roles have been turned. As I tend to over-think, I'm consequently making my life a bit harder. Notice that this part is also complicated, it almost made no sense and I'm going astray. It's really complicated. Very frakking complicated. Schedules are getting complicated. Complicated choices and such. It is really making my mind go nuts.

Finally, there is this confusion. I'd like not to talk about it here. You have to respect that and it's really wearing me down that when I think about it, it's making me more and more insane. Not literally insane, okay? Just tormented.

First Day of the End (Carpe Diem)

Two days ago, the second semester begun. My last semester as a college student. Hopefully. When my Public Relations professor dismissed our class saying that this semester is so short, I realized that I need to seize every day.


CARPE DIEM.

We all know the saying. We all know what it means. Life has a lot of deadlines. It has a lot of ends but of course the ends I'm talking about are not about ending the biological function of a body but the phases we go through as we progress in life. Knowing these ends, we must take chances and do whatever we want to do, should do, and must do. Obviously, adults wants us to focus on the responsibilities.

Yeah, I won't forget my responsibilities but it's nice to lose control sometimes. Letting go of the steering wheel and have fun because after the 5 months that we'll never notice to have transpired, it's time to bid farewell to the memories we made for the past four years as a college student.

We can have fun while working but the level of fun is never the same. I know that when we step outside the real world, most of what we did in college will be considered as childish or sometimes, embarrassing and even worse. disturbing.

It sucks that I realize this just now though I know a lot of my friends have been trying to shove CARPE DIEM in my head. I have been too cautious of my life, planning too much and going on a routine too much even though I know that most of the times, my small plans for the day will just be screwed up.

So now, I will try my hardest to have fun while studying. There should be no room for drowning myself in loneliness but I will not get lost in paradise. (Had to use that phrase.) I will try to balance happiness and seriousness in order for me to be more productive and motivated because of the goal that we are trying to accomplish and that is to finish studying.

Once again, if you think I'm getting incoherent or inconsistent, notify me through leaving comments. Thank you very much. :)

The Change

Title sounds familiar? It's because it came from one of the songs of Evanescence from their third, self-titled album and I'm loving it. I bought it two Sundays ago and I can't stop listening to it. "The Change" became one of my favorite songs off the album. But I'm not here to talk about the song. So let's get this show rolling...

The second semester of my senior life will start tomorrow. Another semester means another 5 months of pressure and suffering in academics with some laughs and mishaps along the way. Like I said in my post before, there will be changes.

Some of my previous mates transferred to another block, starting their semester anew with their freedom. I just got emancipated this previous semester. I acquired some new perspectives and I met different personalities that I never expect to mingle harmoniously. I also never expected to enjoy their company actually. The atmosphere when I'm with them is pretty light and I actually look forward to coming to school because of them.

Anyway, one of the changes I'll be trying to implement myself is to try to get out of my comfort zone, meaning I'll try to be as approachable as I can because this semester, I'm on my own now and I have to learn how to deal with other people properly and without getting the awkwardness. I'll need it when I finally get out of college.

The second change I'll try is to loosen up a little. People see me as someone who is serious all the time and people find me inapproachable because of that. Though I need to learn how to loosen up. Gah.

I'll also be more competitive and active like what I said to another previous post but I will not try to harm anyone and I will not become desperate because I want a clean and fair competition. What I mean in the competition is the academics.

It will be hard to adjust myself into what I'm planning to change but I'll really need it as I face the real world after college life ends.

Halloween

It's the 31st of October right now and we all know what is going on today. It's Halloween. Yay. It's the day where fear is finally celebrated and ghouls and other supernatural entities are glorified to some extent... unless you're in a cult that worships something that can threaten mankind to its extinction. (Forgive my sick imagination.)

It only comes once a year just like Christmas but unlike Christmas, people here in my place are not preparing for it so I can't really feel the presence of Halloween. With Christmas, people are already excited as September approaches and Christmas is still three damn months away! I can already hear Christmas songs playing in malls and on the radio as early as September. Ugh. "Not now" is the sentence that pops in my head when I hear Christmas songs that early. I know. I'm being a killjoy but please. Not now.

It sucks that Halloween is never felt here. October 31st is just like Christmas Eve here where everyone has no work or classes but there's nothing much going on at night in most areas except when you're living in some high-standard village or if your place even cares to celebrate such holiday.

Instead, we celebrate a holiday called All Saints' Day on November 1st. It's part of our tradition to go to cemeteries on that day and spend the whole day honoring the memories of those who once lived. Candles and flowers on the dead's tombstone. Families on their tents eating and chatting. That is what the cemeteries look like every 1st of November. Most people enjoy it, I guess. But for me, it's getting a little boring lately. It's been the same people I've been seeing since I was young. There's nothing in hell that I can do except to wait for the night to come to make my companions pack up and call it a day.

When we get home, we light a candle outside our home once again in honor of the dead and that's about it. That's how we celebrate Halloween here. It's a little lame in my opinion but that's the way it is here.

Disclaimer

A little disclaimer for me and my friends:

I promise I will not become too competitive as it basically ruins something along the way. Based on several eyewitnesses (including myself), too much competition "kills". It brings up a lot of shit as we go on. It's like I'm in a reality show where chaos roots from the circumstances people will think is trivial.

I'll be competitive alright but I will really make sure that I won't become something uncontrollable. I'll just be more active.

Thank you. Peace out.

A Kick

I got a little addicted with Hell's Kitchen lately. I usually hate reality shows for their drama but the drama in the show attracted me somehow. Moving on...

While I was watching its 10th episode, something kicked inside my head. It gave me some kind of realization that I needed for a while. From watching the show with all the pressure and drama that somehow made me think of the world I'm about to step into after college, I realized that I need to be more competitive.

I'm still uncertain of where to go after college but I want my path to be concrete once I made my choice. I need to move my arse and be more competitive and at least, be more active. I need to hone my skills and prepare myself for the real world. The real world is not as easy as college life or high school life (even if high school life is an epitome of HELL). The real world has more rejections to offer than the social life in high school. Real world has more issues we have to think about like helping our families and making clients happy unlike in high school or in college where we have to worry about what to do with our grades. Oh! And in real life, the currency is money. Cold, hard money that makes the world go round. Almost. Comparing to our times of education where grades makes our world go round.  


One exciting thing in getting a job is earning your own money. There's no need to rely on parents to give us some allowance to go somewhere. Earning money is somehow a symbol of independence. If you earn your own money, to me, it means you're in charge of it. You worked your butt for it and now, you must decide how to split your fruit of labor. Of course, if you have a good heart, you would give some to your parents for additional help. What remains is now up to you on what to do with it.

Now, if I will perform better this semester, I can pave my way through a good job. The salary is sort of a bonus, I guess, especially if the job I will nail is the perfect job for me. Speaking of perfect jobs, my plan is sort of vague but I want to nail a job as a writer in some video game magazines. I want to write reviews for video games. If possible, I want to have a second job in the film industry as a sideline. I know it's hard to juggle two jobs but it's possible. The logic is possible. I know I said I'm still uncertain of where to go. This plan of mine is still tentative for I don't know if there are still video game magazines being published here in my place but I'm still looking forward to work as a writer if there is still such magazine.

Oh Shit

Last night, a classmate gave me a link. I thought it was just some spam and I was supposed to ignore it. When she told me it was horror, I was interested and curious of course. So I checked it out.

It was a Korean web comic and of course, it's interactive. Yeah. It was about a girl walking to her apartment when she saw a limping woman. And... yeah. Won't spoil anything there.

My friends know me as a horror movie aficionado or in simpler terms, I love horror movies. But this one made me scream. Twice. Fortunately, no one in my house noticed me screaming.

So, if you're bored and you're looking for a bloody good time, you might want to check this one out. :) A warning though. It's not good for the weak of heart. If you're scared, don't click it. If you want to be scared, well, click it. If you want to hit me because you just peed in your pants, I warned you.

Bongcheon-dong Ghost

End of an Era

I know it's been almost two weeks or a week since the first semester ended. The second semester is about to start in a few days and I am nervous with after graduation. (I'm not making sense again.) I'm really nervous because we're graduating and I still don't have any frakkin' clue where to get a job. At least, I have these specific fields where I can go and try but there is still uncertainty and I hate it.

Second point is that I'm also nervous with the thesis because the second semester is the time where we all will be making the actual thesis unlike in the first semester where we had to busy ourselves with the thesis proposal. There are so many things to do especially with our thesis and our topic is extremely complicated. A lot of people including our thesis adviser and professors said so. I already broke down because of the pressure. (Yeah. I'm emotional.)

Third, I'm a bit excited with some things like there'll be changes. These changes, I won't explain because... I don't know. I just don't want to explain it here. Don't try to force me.

Fourth, it's kind of sad to start the semester because two of my friends got separated and last semester, I was always with these two crazy people. I actually enjoyed their company.

And finally, I ran out of things to type here. But so far, it's been one hell of a semester and everything's been insane lately. I kind of enjoyed the insanity, doing some things for the first time, and actually exploring. I never expected to be friends with the new people I know now because of this past semester. I also miss my friends who just transferred to another block and it seems to me that they can finally have their freedom with the choice they just made and I'm happy for them.

Fruit of My Mistake: Volume 2

This poem is sort of a sequel to the first poem that you just read. Still talking about the same subject. Not going to drop any entities here. I just wrote it two hours ago while going home from the end of a semester. Once again, for those who wants to use my poems, notify me. Thanks.

REQUIEM FOR THE LAST ILLUSION

Your affection, I will burn

Your feelings, I will throw

From the ordeal, I will learn

Learn not to dwell in sorrow

I will close my eyes

I will cast you away

Spare me from the lies

I will walk my own way

Forgive you, I will strive

And time will keep me

Without you, I will survive

Even with the faults in me

Now I will lay to rest

All my tears, I have shed

Before the pain kills my chest

From the scars I have bled

Fruit of My Mistake: Volume 1

This is the first time I'll post a poem here since the blog is starting to rot. Who reads it anyway? It was written two or three weeks ago, I think. One of the fruits of my mistake, I must say. For those who wants to use my poem in some way, ask my permission. Please.

SENTIMENTS FOR THE LAST ILLUSION

Can you be my last illusion?

Will I be your final dream?

Put an end to this delusion

Before it goes beyond it seems

Running in my mind

Leaving many footprints

No wonder I can’t leave you behind

Though I try to give you a hint

One look at your eyes

That gaze I seek to break

Let my feelings run dry

So you, I won’t forsake

Let me numb myself

To this sentiment of yours

I will not need any help

And shall you not exert any force

It’s better this way

No hearts will ache

No tears and pain will stay

In this step I’m about to take

Death Has Claimed Its Glory (For Now)

The ever present Death makes a return in Final Destination 5, the 5^th installment and the 2^nd movie to be shot in 3D in the Final Destination franchise. This time, it stalks the survivors of a bridge collapsing accident and it never rests until it claims the souls of those who were meant to die on the bridge.

On his way to a business retreat together with his co-workers, Sam Lawton (Nicholas D’Agosto, TV's Heroes) had a vision of a bridge collapse. When he snaps out of the premonition, he warns his co-workers about the impending disaster and they all flee to safety, sparing their lives from the accident. A few days later, the survivors started to die one by one and Sam realizes that death is coming for them. He teams up with Molly Harper (Emma Bell, Frozen, TV's The Walking Dead), his girlfriend to try to stop the gruesome deaths before their turns are up.

After The Final Destination sucked the life out of the franchise, Final Destination 5 comes along and surprises the fans and critics. The bridge collapsing sequence features the excellent use of special effects and the movie itself is a genuine showcase of the innovative 3D technology in horror. The opening sequence is also one of the most terrifying, gruesome, and action-packed visions in the whole series besides the Highway 23 pile-up in Final Destination 2. One of the returning elements in this movie is the suspenseful atmosphere. In almost every death scenes, you never know which thing will kill a character. The death sequences give a false lead about how a character dies and right when you don’t expect the moment, the character gets it. So far, the deaths here are the most inventive, suspenseful, and gruesome in the series. There are also a few moments in the movie that you will NEVER see coming. The movie also tries to break the repetition of the series and does it successfully with its new rule.

Another is the character development. Though the development is weak, the characters have managed to be rooted for by the audience and as the audience witness their deaths, they can’t help but feel bad for some of those they know will die at any moment. Tony Todd, who plays the mysterious mortician William Bludworth, makes an anticipated return in the movie and still, he creeps out the characters and the audience with his sinister voice and cryptic advices. Lastly, Brian Tyler's musical score is also filled with the fear that the whole movie is all about. It is even better than his previous work in The Final Destination. 

Final Destination 5 will make you cringe and laugh. The opening premonition and the finale will make your jaw drop and the whole movie will make you literally hold on to your seat with its suspense and amazing use of 3D. It is, by far, the best movie in the series and I hope the 6^th and the 7^th installments will maintain the dread that this one reclaimed.

RATING: 4/5

TRAILER:

Don't Think About Him

NOTE: This post is filled with negativity and angst. Brace yourself.

Let's get things straight. I want to blurt this one out. That bastard. Wasting my money. Frak.

No matter how much effort you give to your justifications, I won't acknowledge it. I listened to your nonsense crap and not being close-minded here but, you don't have a point. Motherfrakker. After listening to your aspirations and "preaching", I still see that what you made us do still hasn't done anything. If only you introduced the process first. If only you introduced the proper way first, then you'll get the outcome you deserved to get.

Unfortunately, you are not exerting enough efforts to shove the lessons you want to teach. We all listened and yet, like what I said before, YOU STILL MADE NO SENSE.

NO FRAKKING SENSE AT ALL.

I already wrote a poem for you but I guess it's not enough to calm the anger that burns within me.

Maybe it's good to just drop you and forget your existence. Your sacrifice is my pleasure.

This River Is Wild

It’s all happening too fast. That’s all I can say. 

I’m still adjusting to my new section. Still. I’m still adjusting to my new home.  I’m still adjusting to something called a new lifestyle which I’m hoping I will rarely enter because it really shocks me about the consequences.

I don’t know if the term lifestyle is appropriate but… my life has drastically changed. It’s like I lost control over my life and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing because one of my friends know that I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to things I do and the budget I spend but today… I noticed and realized that I lost control of my steering wheel and just ride with the current or go with the flow to make it simpler.

But here’s the thing.

Quoting from The Killers' song, this river is wild and it's wild indeed. I feel the current is too strong. I find my new “lifestyle” shocking and fun but mostly shocking. Almost all the things I never thought I’ll do before, I somehow did in this era of my life. If I enumerate these things, you may find some things ridiculous because that’s how “close” my mind is and that’s how “scared” I am to get out of my shell sometimes.

I’d like to wander out of my shell but it won’t be all the time because I’m losing some priorities. I’m losing 90% of control over my life. Again, it’s nice to lose control but I’d like to limit it as I have the tendency to forget some priorities and responsibilities.

There’s one thing I can think of that I want to do now.

That is to somehow straighten my acts and myself.

Messed Up

Prelims week is almost near and I am almost panicking but I'm still calm. Did that made sense? Gah. I must concentrate on my studies.

I must. I must. I must!!

There are a lot of things to be done even during the preliminary term here. It's all exciting but it's also grueling despite the fact that I now live near the university. I'm not having troubles with the apartment and all.

It's just that I'm still adjusting myself especially my study habits in the apartment. It's not a crappy excuse and all but I'm still getting used to the environment to help me concentrate in studying and doing homework. There's also the limitation of not having any connections to the Internet except for the broadband that I borrow from a classmates who lives in the same apartment as mine. The only time I can connect is when I'm at the university and of course, I can't stay at the university for so long.

I'm messed up, am I?

Dorm Life and Other Shenanigans: Volume 2

I now live on an apartment near the university I'm studying. I've been living there for actually two weeks now. I usually come home in the weekends for the laundry and stacking up my resources. I actually never thought this would materialize. It all happened so fast but I managed. Being away from home is hard, I admit, but when I rationalize my decision, the pluses actually outweighs the minuses.

I may be away from home and for the first time, I'm living on my own. I think about what to eat and what to do for the whole day. I'm not new with planning my activities for the day though the food planning is a little difficult because I'm conscious with what I eat.

I'm adjusting to my body clock too. Now that I live near the university, I don't have to wake up in the wee hours of the morning but my body is just used to waking up. I always get up at around 6:00 AM and I'm usually the first one in the apartment awake. After waking up, I always seat on the couch outside the rooms and wait for something or someone to happen. Despite waking up too early, I rarely arrived late in my classes unlike last semester.

There are little distractions in my studies but I can do little with my assignments since I haven't brought my laptop in the apartment yet. There's no wireless Internet connection there but I'm not complaining since I needed some time off the net during weekdays.

Roommates are not pests, honestly but I'm having troubles of fitting in since we have differences and I mean big ones like tastes in music and lifestyle. (Please do not spill this one or I will end those who are responsible for the leakage.)

About sleeping, I'm always the first one to go to bed among all the boarders but when finally sleeping, I fail to keep myself in a deep sleep.

So far, I'm still adjusting to this new lifestyle but I'm looking forward to learn some lessons along the way. I don't want to get tired with traveling too much though I miss riding the train and jeepney home with the music of my taste on my earbuds. I also miss walking with my friends on the way home, joking and talking about movies.

Speaking of which, I got separated from my friends this semester.I'm also on my own in the classroom. I joined a new section where I don't know most of the people. I'm only familiar with them through the organization I joined and some of the students there became my classmates during my freshman year. It's a new environment to me. Totally different personalities from the section I came from but it's good to meet new people. Like the dorm life, I never expected this part to happen too but unlike the dorm life, I did not plan this well.

I can't compare them to my original section because these two groups have differences but all I can say so far is that I enjoy both sections though I can't help but miss my friends back in the group I came from.

Hikari

Back in my high school shenanigans, there's this girl that I met on Friendster. Yeah. I used Friendster back when Facebook was still a baby. I was still addicted with Naruto, an anime series for those who didn't know, and since I'm in puberty, I searched for character accounts of Sakura Haruno, my favorite Naruto character, on Friendster. I clicked this particular account because of the profile picture which I think is cute. I browsed at the profile and saw the e-mail address and I decided to add it up in my Yahoo! Messenger contacts. Fortunately, she accepted it. When she was logged in, I sent her a message and unexpectedly, she replied and actually, I never expect to have fun conversations with her because I'm not used with meeting people online.

Days and a few months passed and we chatted some more until she stopped logging in. I think it all stopped by the end of my sophomore year. I actually don't know what happened to her and why she never came back online.

The reason why she resurfaced on my mind is because of this song.

This song appeared on her blog which she gave me the link in one of our chatting sessions. I heard it from the video game, Kingdom Hearts. Obviously.

Now, the reason why I blurted this all out is because I want to try to look for her. I want to reconnect with her and I want to be friends with her again and possibly, be more than friends.

I liked her. Better than my "first experience" with love.

Due to Some "Technical" Inconvenience...

I can't post straight right now. I can't think very clearly lately. I don't know how it affects my self-expression but something's been keeping my mind from pouring all my thoughts here. All of it has to go somewhere, right?

Anyway, I know that I've been idle for a month and 14 days and still counting but I will be back someday to post more. Maybe by June, I can finally go back.

Thanks for understanding.

- Zepp

Just Got Sucker Punched

I'm not a big fan of Zack Snyder's works except for Dawn of the Dead since it's a horror movie but I'm attracted to his latest and first original and PG-13 film entitled Sucker Punch.

Sucker Punch deals with Baby Doll (Emily Browning), a 20 year old woman sent to an institution and is about to be lobotomized after accidentally killing her sister for defending them from her stepfather's evil motives. Now she befriended four fellow inmates: sisters Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish) and Rocket (Jena Malone), Amber (Jamie Chung), and Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens) and they plan on escaping the asylum. As they acquire the essential items for their escape, they also undergo in these dreams where they also have to get the items for their journey to freedom while battling zombie Nazis, dragons, orcs, robots and giant samurai warriors.

It is designed as an action-fantasy in an epic scale in terms of special effects and action sequences. You will really be unprepared for the dazzling dream worlds, the breathtaking fight scenes, and the girls themselves as they kick ass. These five young women are sort of new to the fighting and violence so it's cool to see them punch, kick, and shoot. The gloomy color of the film helps sets the atmosphere and the mood for the 1950s and the story. The music and especially the soundtrack is also one of the film's advantages. I heard the whole soundtrack and I definitely love it. The film does not forget to have slow motion sequences and stylish shots which are Zack Snyder's trademarks in his films.

Here's what's disappointing with Sucker Punch. The film is bombarded with a lot of CGI flair and because of this, the movie seems to forget about the plot and the characters' growth. We have five girls to root on and sympathize but we don't have enough information why we should feel for them. We don't know enough about how they ended up in the institution. We don't even see that they grew close because of their goal. I think we can blame the film's fast pace. We can only root for them because of the celebrities who portray the girls. Rocket is actually my favorite among them because I've been a fan of Jena Malone since Saved! and lately, I just saw her in Donnie Darko and I know that she's new to the whole fighting scenes and she really looks good and bad ass.

Sucker Punch has become one of my guilty pleasures because I enjoyed it despite having little depth. It's a fun popcorn flick actually. I'll be waiting for its release on home video especially with the fact that Zack Snyder has a Director's Cut to be released on DVD. I hope the Director's Cut will be better than the theatrical version since the MPAA wants him to cut some scenes and maybe those scenes are essential in plot and character development.

If you want a fun, action-filled experience, Sucker Punch promises to give you a hell of a blow but you have to apply the suspension of disbelief to truly enjoy this movie.

RATING: 3/5

Trailer:


(Trailer courtesy of YouTube)

Last Day High

Today was my last day of the semester. It ended great. There's no classes actually but I came to school to pass the script for RTV and like I said in my status on Facebook, I kicked some ass. I like it when people complement my works especially poems and writings but it's my first time writing a script and my professor enjoyed reading my work. It actually became my inspiration and motivation to finish what I started and to stand up because my group mates barely helped me at all. (Dairen, I now know how you feel when I began to act all lazy. I'm so sorry about those times.)

After passing the script, I spent some time with Film Society and it was fun. We're actually pushing the plan of playing some "war game" with pellet guns. They liked the idea. I'm excited with it too. We went somewhere to look for some guns but our efforts were futile.

Then, I'm about to make some progress with the OJT or on-the-job training. I'll finish my resume tonight. I hope I can come to the OJT hunt and the film lecture in UP tomorrow. I'll try to be active this summer. :)

Before I go, here's a song to accompany me in my triumphs today. I must say I turned the tables and now, they're under my thumb. I kicked their asses.

(Courtesy of Decca Records and YouTube)

New Haircut

I got a haircut last Friday evening and right now, I miss my long hair even if it bothers a lot of people. I don't actually care if they think I look disturbing or uncivilized or whatever with my long hair. I never thought getting my haircut is a "life changing" experience to my friends.

Last Saturday, my classmates were surprised with what I did to my hair. Yeah. They never saw that coming. My Cinema professor saw me and she said that I looked like a high school student and I kind of laughed about it because I look like a dweeb back in high school. You want pictures? Beg harder.

This afternoon, I attended the meeting for the organization I joined last year and most of the members there are shocked that I got my haircut. My former classmate who's also a member there cannot stop laughing literally and his laugh is so contagious, I just laughed at myself for my hair.

He swore a lot like "What the f***?", "T******!", "S***!" and I can't stop laughing as he swore those words right in my face. Yeah. That's how he shows his love. I kid. He rocks. Our upperclassmen and underclassmen members were also shocked with my hair as if their lives are extremely affected with my haircut.

Man. This is the last time I'm getting an extremely short haircut.

A Hard Day's Night

It's been a hard day's night. I'm exhausted, worn out, tired, restless... pick one. It's all the same. I went to school at around 07:00 AM and I got home at around 10:20 PM all because of a technical and dress rehearsal for our Production subject. It's been fun I admit but I can never forget that one scene I just went through twice. Twice because I have to take the spot of my classmate since he got sick. I'm not blaming him because first, it's a health matter and second, it's sort of a way to pay him back.

This particular scene is what I can't afford to narrate here but here's what I can only say. I'm stripped off spiritually. :)) I really can't believe that I actually did it. Until now, my mind is still processing what the f*** I just did. I wish I can sleep it all away instead.

Also, hearing a song featured in that scene now made me tremble because I can vividly remember the whole scene. Everyone's laughing and I don't want to hear what others are saying. It's the first time I did such a thing and I'm uncomfortable with it. Who does? I'm sure those people who are inclined in that field are willing to do what I just did a few hours ago.

I now need to recollect myself and reflect on all the things that happened this day and I still have to finish writing the sequence treatment for my RTV subject. We still have a long way to go. Yay me. You know, if I could just change one of my groupmates to another group member, then so be it. I will not hesitate. It's his loss. He did not contribue something. I already told him the things he needed to do and I waited but it seems that I waited for nothing from that son of a gun. Gah.

I also want to return some of my habits before. I'm sort of missing my old life and I want to go back somehow. I think I mentioned this in one of my posts before. In case if no one remembered, I want to return to being more serious in my studies and I have a lot of focus on reading and understanding. I really feel like I was smart and intellectual back then. Right now, I think like I just turned into a slacker and I'm uncomfortable with it.

Here's a little something to make me pass through the night.

(Courtesy of YouTube and EMI Records)

Love

It will almost be a month since Valentine's Day has passed and love still lurks around me. I've been seeing a lot of people falling in love. Some are trying to get their feelings noticed and some are trying to hide it. Whatever. Their feeling is still love. But me? What about me and love? Haha. Nothing. I'm just a spectator and I watch how things unfold.

But I'm also human because I have this recurring thought in my mind. It's a stupid one so why mention it. Anyway, when we celebrated my sister's birthday back then, my younger brother brought his girlfriend along to celebrate with us. My aunt is also there and she saw them all happy and looking all couple-ish. Then she looked at me and said, "They look so happy." I nodded. She asked me, "why don't you get a girlfriend?" It was like a slap in my face. I admit it opened my eyes somehow. But what the hell. I have a lot of things to think about and besides, who would've want to be my girlfriend? Enough with my dead love life.

Okay. I'm also admitting that I somehow want to have an experience of a relationship with someone I really like and understand. I want to know what it feels like holding a girl's hand while walking and being all mushy and laughing at some lame jokes and such. Yes. I'm getting cheesy but I really want to try or maybe, finally enter the world of couples. If and only if I found this one girl. 

Ash Wednesday Already?!

Time sure does fly. I barely even noticed that it's already Ash Wednesday (and as you can see, I'm a Catholic.) Two major projects have recently concluded yesterday but I never felt the feeling of achievement that I sought. I think I should see a shrink to have a brain check and a reality check. Does anyone here know some? I could really use some help. 

Last Monday night until yesterday morning, I pulled off an all nighter because I crammed. I'm not proud of cramming but I can't believe that I survived an all nighter by myself. I usually do this with closest friends and mates from college but with myself, well, it's a new experience. Since I'm expecting more of this stuff, I hope the next all nighter will be a little more "enlightening". Care to enlighten me with your flashlight? 

BTW, if you noticed my post are illogically arranged, kindly notify me. Comments and reactions are welcome. Thank you. :)

Time

Time. It can be our ally. It can be our opponent. But one thing is constant in time. It does not wait for anyone.

This is what I learned this past few days and yet, I still haven't applied the lesson. I'm such a dumb ass. My lifestyle is still disorganized. My brain is burning out. I'm wasting my time doing distractions and procrastinating. What the hell have I done? Life is supposed to be simple and time is supposed to go along with it but it looks like I misuse and abuse the time I have and it made my life messy and complicated. I'm already complicated myself.

I have a lot of things to accomplish within the weekend. Lots of articles to write and the deadline is on Tuesday. I'll make sure we can finish all these this weekend.

If this weekend will be successful, I'd like to play this as I go home this Sunday. It's Time by Hans Zimmer from the Inception soundtrack. I love this track because it made me feel that I have achieved something.

(Video from YouTube.)