New Year's Resolution and a Look Back to 2011

2011, like I said in some social networking site, has been a very tumultuous year for me. A lot has happened. Obviously. The year can possibly be summarized through my blog posts here but there are still events I left out here because some are too big while some are too small to matter. Many memories will be treasured and many memories will be thrown away. I had quite a lot of experiences this year and most of these experiences changed and rocked the way I lived my life yet I still have so many things to go through and understand to grow up.

There are times I am very proud of what I've become. There were these times I've never felt happy of what I've done to myself and the things I have achieved this year though I achieved a little. There were also the times where I regret all my failures due to cowardice and of course, the awkwardness of the situation to me which most or maybe all of you may not understand. These were the times where I want to hit myself very hard in the head or bump my head so hard on the wall that I die instantly due to severe head trauma and hemorrhage. Yeah. I am that hard to myself.

I also became free this year and learned a lot of things from living away from home. I also met a lot of people and experienced the things I never experienced when living at home because of this newly-gained freedom. (It's not really new anymore.) I know I sounded like a child who just got out of its crib for the first time but I treasure this freedom because I know it will help me more in understanding the things I'll experience when I finally left the comforts of my house and my parents.

2011 is a very emotional year for me as evident with "Breaking Down" posts. I have never cried this many in the previous years and yeah, I cry! Okay! It may be too sensitive for me to cry but come on, I can still break down, you know.

Anyway, if you wish to look back on what has happened to my 2011, you can do so with the chronicles while I move on to my second part of this post which is my new year's resolution. I am taking this chance and time to write something long and meaningful to say goodbye and leave all the troubles of 2011 behind and wave hello to the New Year, to 2012. Maybe it'll take time for my first post for 2012 because I'll be focusing on my studies now. (Please let me focus...)

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION:

1. I have already mentioned the first one above which is to focus on my studies. I am literally shaken with what's happening to me in the academic part of my life. Looks like I had too much fun. It's really time to put my game face on.
2. To really concentrate on studying, I'll reduce my time on the Internet. Social networking sites have been a distraction to me. I always end up procrastinating on Facebook and rushing with my homework. I must be really really sad with my life right now knowing that I spend too much time on Facebook. 
3. Think before I act. I know I don't want to think too much but of course, I have to think fast right now for we live in a world with a fast pace and acting without thinking can be reckless so I have to plan and consider my actions before doing them. Reckless actions cost a lot of things like time and money.
4. Think before I feel. Another reason for distraction is the emotions. They can really be a pain, a hindrance to my goals for the day, for the week, for the month, and maybe for the year. Sometimes, I don't want to feel for a while to get me going and growing. 
5. Of course, I must consider the things I take or intake. I must start living healthy. Enough said.
6. I'll stay away from peer pressure now. I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I just think it'll be nice if I can be on my own for now to focus on what I should be doing. It's time to get serious.
7. When opportunity knocks, take it. Of course, I don't have to take every opportunity that is presented. I have to choose these opportunities that will interest me and help me in every way to grow up and learn something from the chances. 
8. Manage my time. Having a messy time management does not get me anywhere and it does not bode well at all. If I feel lazy for doing something, I need to kick myself in the ass and move it because time during the second semester is really moving frakking fast. If I procrastinate, everything will be pushed back and they all will become major setbacks. I need to slap myself to snap out of it.
9. I should learn how to let go. Reflecting on my past failures is helpful but not wallowing on them. I should just learn how to move on and forget because as a new day unfolds, there's a chance for redemption. Every day is a new clean slate to start over.

If I ever forgot something, I'll just add them here. If I fail to fulfill even one of these things, I need a psychological evaluation. It's been a very long post and once again, 2012 draws nigh in almost 23 or 24 hours so I say and greet in advance a happy new year to all.

Action-packed Nostalgia

Who never thought summer can be this epic and nostalgic at the same time? Preadolescent protagonists plus an adventure of their lives in their little town result to an action-packed yet sentimental summer movie for all in J.J. Abrams' Super 8.

Super 8 is about six friends making a zombie movie with a super-8 mm camera when a train derails and unleashes a dangerous presence in the town of Lillian, Ohio. The mystery is not about what this presence is but what it wants.

The movie contains a lot of homage to Steven Spielberg's movies back in the '80s and as a result, it has this feel of movies adults and children born from the early 90s like me used to watch during the weekends. Super 8 is very very nostalgic indeed to me that it reminded me some good parts of my childhood especially the theme of friendship which the movie tackles among other themes like young love and adventure. The young actors truly gave life and distinctive personalities to their respective characters and all of the six friends have on-screen chemistry which also helped evoke the nostalgia.

Larry Fong's cinematography helped make the action sequences more epic especially in the biggest set piece of the movie which is the train derailment sequence. This sequence, I consider it as one of the best action sequences of the year after Final Destination 5's bridge collapsing sequence. A J.J. Abrams film will not be complete without its score by Michael Giacchino who did an excellent job with the film score especially in the ending.

Director-writer J.J. Abrams deserves praise for balancing action, mystery, humor and unexpectedly, heart in the movie. I never thought I would actually cry during the film's ending thanks to an emotional performance by Joel Courtney and to Michael Giacchino's score.

I just saw Super 8 so I know I'm a little late for the review but I can't help but write one because it really is a summer blockbuster that not only contains visual thrills and a good story, it also contains humor, drama, and most importantly, nostalgia. A few days have passed since I watched it and still, the nostalgia evoked by the movie is still taking effect on me as what you read in my post before this.

RATING: 5/5

TRAILER:

(Trailer and images courtesy of YouTube and Google)

Nostalgia

I watched a movie called Super 8 directed and written by J.J. Abrams this morning. It's a Sci-fi thriller film about a group of friends making a super-8 film (hence, the title) when a train derails and crashes, unleashing a dangerous creature in their town and a chain of mysterious disappearances begin after. Anyway, I'm not here to review the film. Not now, I guess.

After watching the film, nostalgia has been evoked into my mind. I admit that I cried during the ending of Super 8. I am that emotional but what can I do? Besides, the film is really effective. It made me look back to my childhood, even if I don't really have a good childhood in general. I suddenly miss the movies back then. I miss this adventure-like feel of childhood where my buddies and I used to make believe and stuff. We used to imagine things and create scenarios from movies and our minds. I totally enjoyed that part of childhood.

Now I'm all grown up... sort of. Well, I missed that part of my childhood. That part of childhood where imagination takes me anywhere I want to go and on Saturdays and Sundays, I can take an afternoon nap or play on my PlayStation or even do something weird with my friends. I miss the part of my childhood where my laughter is genuine. Those funny but priceless moments with my friends.

I just regret that I follow my parents' orders too much. I forgot to take on more adventures in my childhood because I was trying to make my parents happy. I'm not blaming them or anything.

It just sucks that I don't have this freedom in my childhood where I can explore things for myself. There are still a lot of things I haven't explored yet in my childhood. This is a cliche but I somehow want to go back and experience my childhood once again and maybe this time, set things right. I don't know. Or maybe to just try things I haven't done in my childhood so I can feel somehow contented with my childhood.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 4 (Letting Go)

Dear You,

First of all, forgive me for doing this on my blog. I am still finding ways to say it personally... and I'm still looking for the time and guts to say it. But if you ever got the chance to read this, I would like to say sorry.

I'm sorry. These past few months and days, I've been thinking. Every time I'm with you, it's not the same as before. I'm not that happy when I'm with you. I don't feel so enlightened anymore when I'm with you. Instead, I can feel this heaviness inside me. Then, I just realized yesterday what's going on with us.

We're growing up and growing apart. We live in two different worlds now. It's not like in high school anymore where we can share the pain and comfort each other. It's not like that anymore. Our differences begin to manifest. We have different ideas and beliefs. When we contradict each other, you find ways to push what you know. You try to shove in into my head. At least, that's how I look at it. I can be open about things but when I know that someone's trying to push thoughts and things into my head too much, I stop and shut down.

Not only one of us has changed. Both of us changed and these changes have set us apart. I've grown so estranged to you. Our differences have made this gap between us and when we try to close the gaps, the air gets heavier on my side. Our friendship, like people say, is one-sided and complicated or complex.

I had enough of the complications in our friendship. When I want to be with my friends, I want to take things or life in general lightly. I don't want any burdens. When I seek comfort, I want to be enlightened and have more faith and options for myself. When you open your mouth, sometimes, what you say makes my problems more complicated and what's worse is that we both tend to think too much. I don't want to think too much with a friend. I seek company to help me, not to crush me.

I'm sorry if I offended you with all I said here. But that's how I feel right now. Maybe being best friends is not really best for us. We can be just good or close friends from here on out. I hope you understand and please consider what I feel as you read this.

Sincerely,
Zepp

Drama in the Apocalypse

Two sisters. Two planets. When they all collide, it's a unique, haunting, dramatic and powerful story.That's how it is in Lars Von Trier's Melancholia.

Melancholia is about two sisters named Justine and Claire (Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg). Justine has just been wedded to Michael (Alexander Skarsgard) and Claire, together with her husband John (Kiefer Sutherland), prepares a party for the newlyweds. As the party goes, Justine slowly grows distant and depressed. Meanwhile, Melancholia, a rogue planet that has been hiding behind the sun, shows up and threatens to collide with Earth.

Von Trier has a knack for writing good and unique stories and is also gifted in bringing his ideas to screen and life. I have seen this and his recent film prior to this which is Antichrist that also stars Charlotte Gainsbourg in the lead role and so far, I can tell his works are very original indeed. He can bring out the best of his actors especially in Melancholia where Kirsten Dunst brings an exceptional performance as Justine who slowly descends into depression and accepts calmly her fate in the hands of Melancholia. I agree with what the critics has to say for Kirsten. This is truly a career breakthrough for her. Charlotte Gainsbourg, on the other hand, switches gears from being a woman manifesting a twisted behavior in Antichrist to a fragile and scared Claire in this film. She can get emotional without overacting so much.

Melancholia has become one of my all-time favorites instantly. I loved how the film has this realistic feel to me. I was somehow absorbed in this film as I watched it and the characters begin to brace for Melancholia, I can feel what they are going through without relating myself to them. The movie is dramatically epic and as the end unfolds, I can't help but to brace myself. Until now, the images of Melancholia left me a bit tormented and thinking.

RATING: 5/5


TRAILER:

(Trailer courtesy of YouTube)

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for being so emotional.
I'm sorry for breaking down.
I'm sorry that I feel so pressured.
I'm sorry I was depressed for a few days.
I'm sorry I let you down with my promises.
I'm sorry for being such a bad friend.

But one thing is for sure and that is when I am with you this time, I do not feel what I used to feel when we were together back in the past.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 3

That awkward moment when you know you still have a lot of things to do but you're not moving because you have no idea where to start. That awkward moment when you listen to a song and suddenly, you feel tears falling from your eyes.

This is how I am right now. Unproductive and breaking down. In my head, I know I have a lot of things to accomplish but it seems that laziness is bringing out the worst in me. I turned into a slob, something I never wanted to become. Things are just lying somewhere around my room. My bag looks like a dumping ground for papers and such. Papers are accidentally crumpled due to my laziness. I've become a bit disorganized with my schedule. My thoughts are just frantically pouring and I am not thinking well.

I want to go back. Return to how I used to live. (Except for the apartment part, it's still convenient.) I want to live my life like I can still handle things without going nuts over them. I want to feel relaxed in a way that I can face my problems head on without acting careless or reckless or stupid. I want to look up to myself as well. I want to feel happy for myself without forgetting the things I'm supposed to prioritize.

I hope that before the year ends, I can finally begin the recovery so that when the new year arrives, I'm also healed. I do not want to stay forever in this phase. I want to grow up. I want to move on. I want to let most of the unnecessary burdens go and walk my life with the important ones. Finally, I want to breathe.

"You can breathe today."

(Courtesy of YouTube and Octone Records)

About to E-X-P-L-O-D-E

I'm emotionally on the verge of cracking up right now. It is weird that I always get cranky and sometimes, I end up doing something reckless and shitty that it reaches to the point of regret. What I'm going through right now may look like hell to me but it is still petty to adults. It's nothing to them because they all say they've been there and they've done it but that's beside the point.

My head is spinning and I am getting restless. You have been reading the same old whines over and over again and this time, I'm this close to exploding. This frakking close. I am shutting down. My mind is shutting down and I am not liking this. Who does? I guess I had too much happiness that my mind is finally getting lazy.

But why now? Why this semester? It's already the last semester of my college life and I'm frakking shutting down. I could totally use some time alone to think and maybe a day with someone to talk to. I think I can't talk to my best friend as we have this tendency to set the atmosphere into something heavy and too serious that I can't bear.

I want to talk to someone who can enlighten me without thinking of anything like what I'm going through is ridiculous to that person. I want to talk to someone who can assure to me that everything will really be okay without giving too much advice and bombarding my head with it. I want to be relaxed when I talk to this someone. I want to lean my head on her shoulder and if and when I cry, I want her to hug me and let me cry while I still can.

Maybe it's finally time I should get a girlfriend. A real one. I can use some other form of happiness here.

Ironic

It's ironic that though the Christmas break is coming and everyone's excited, I'm not even that excited because I know I'll have little time to rest. It's ironic that people in my home are having fun celebrating the feast day of our hometown's patron while my face looks cynically blank.

It's ironic that the things that makes us weak in the present will make us stronger in the future. Sometimes, it's also ironic that when I talk to my best friend, I thought things will get lighter but unfortunately, it gets heavier and more dramatic.

It's also ironic that even if I love the ironies of life, it still hurts me deeply. I can laugh about it but it takes time though. I want to take a rest from this pain, from this ordeal. I want to escape, even for a day, somewhere quiet.

My posts are getting redundant once again. No need to remind me. I guess I should take a break from all this. Focus on something else. Let me breathe for heaven's ass' sake.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 2 (Brain Storm)

No, this is not the brainstorm where we share thoughts and ideas and stuffs. This is the literal brain storm, as in surge of thoughts are rushing simultaneously in my brain. They're swirling in this vortex and pounding my brain against my skull like some tumor but of course, I don't have any tumor in my head... Not that I'm aware of.

It's all the same old whine you've been reading here. I'm pressured. I'm stressed. And I am tired. Jaded. Exhausted. (I'm going dramatic... Ugh. Curse this sh*t.) Yet, there are a lot of things to be done. Like I said before, there is no more room, no more time to take a deep breath. No more time to sit and think.  No more space to just stare at the sun, stare at the clouds, stare at the vast fields (if there's one in this urban jungle). There's basically no more time for myself.

Every time I turn and look somewhere else, there's always the school works. There's always the petty drama of my life. There's always the sappy, emotional torment. They are the claws that want to rip me to shreds, figuratively speaking.

Then, there's the time. It's moving fast yet the time we have is pretty short and we'll never notice the time passing by, sneaking behind us until it bites us in the ass. I know we have a lot of breaks and I should be thankful about it but unfortunately, I can't smile about it. We unfortunately have some school works so there's technically little time to rest. Well, I guess it all ends up in time management.

I'm also drowning in school works. I have to bear the fact that I'll just be stressed no matter where I look at it. Of course, I know the association of stress to school works but I'm concerned about the degree or level of stress I'll get from these school works. I want to decrease the stress because I'm still young and these problems seem to be a bit meager to adults. I still have a lot to experience so what if I finally stepped into the real world and I'm already worn out?

This is the last semester. After this, say hello to the real world where pain is more real than high school or college. I'm supposed to enhance myself and be more mature about things and stuff but yeah, I'm falling apart. I'm messed up. I'm sh*tty as crap. I'm totally lost. My mind can't think straight these past few days. If you see me by the corridors, my face either looks blank or bleak. My genuine or real laughter is going to the rarity side these days.

I thought things will finally work out the way I saw it before the semester started but due to my stubbornness and some other factors, I failed. I must kick my ass first before I can start moving.

(Looks like I spilled my problems here. A bit of inconsistency with Part 1.)

The Blame Game

The efforts of us students are not enough to enhance our knowledge. An additional push from mentors is also needed to give students the motivation to study. But from what I'm seeing, it's all going down. I don't know who I should blame but there are three things or sides I've come up.

First is the school. The school may have a diverse roster of faculty who practice what they are supposed to teach but there are instances where a practitioner can't communicate what he or she is supposed to teach. I don't know if he or she is somewhat forced to teach a subject because the school's faculty is not enough. What I mean is the school lacks mentors who are good in their fields and can properly teach what they know.

We then have the mentors. There are a few mentors who have that kind of quality in my realm. That one good quality that I mentioned above by the way. Some just know how to talk the talk but they have little to no experience of the application of what they teach and it goes to a situation where the mentor just rambles on and on but he or she is not making any sense at all.

There are times when mentors just find ways or events to cite examples of what they are supposed to elaborate. Some mentors rely too much on books to guide them. What about what they actually know about the subject?

Of course, who can forget about mentors who have no idea what to do at all? What's worse is that they hold the students' fates to finish education but they are not doing anything except for wasting time and air and making students' lives miserable. It sucks that they are the ones to be looked up to but some of them act like they don't. It's just disappointing.

And we finally have the students. Of course, we have a role in this game of blame. Most of us are focusing too much on, I don't know, the social aspect of college. It's like we're still breathing in the same air of high school. I know it's good to make connections and stuff but we don't have to neglect the privilege to learn and pick up new knowledge that is vital to the next chapter of our lives which unfolds after graduation. (What I said also pierced my mind.) We need this push from our mentors but we also need to push ourselves if their push is not enough. If you can't be motivated by your mentor, find motivation somewhere else.

I know this rant may offend some people. If it doesn't, well, it's nice because it's not meant to offend someone. I just want to wake myself up because I'm in an academic mess and I hope this will be my eye-opener or something.

My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 1

This is the time of stress. It's just the preliminary term and I already looked like a burn-out. My mind is fried. Stress is everywhere and problems that I'm not supposed to entertain find their way to my eyes. I don't even know why they keep popping in front of me.

I will not elaborate these problems. If I do it here, what's the sense of talking personally if I already spilled the stuff here?

Anyway, I know it sounds weak but I'd like to get out of my normal life even just for a while, even if I need to be catatonic for a week. Just a week is all I ask. I want to shut my mind down and just enjoy my life for once. It's been my whine for a while. Are you getting sick of my whines? :D I kid. Still, you can let me know.

I want to sit on a recliner or even spend some time in a beach, just watching the tides go by or better yet, just lie down on the grass in some mountain top and just feel the cool breeze as I watch the clouds drifting slowly. But there's no place like these here unfortunately. All I see are concrete buildings for trees, smoke and smug for fog and mist, car horns for birds chirping and contaminated wind for the cool breeze. There's no room to set my eyes and mind for some rest and tranquility.

It just saddens me to see all these while I live the ideal, complicated life of a college student. The last thing I need is hearing a Justin Bieber song near my ears. It might make me go on a frenzy.