I'm sorry for being so emotional.
I'm sorry for breaking down.
I'm sorry that I feel so pressured.
I'm sorry I was depressed for a few days.
I'm sorry I let you down with my promises.
I'm sorry for being such a bad friend.
But one thing is for sure and that is when I am with you this time, I do not feel what I used to feel when we were together back in the past.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 3
That awkward moment when you know you still have a lot of things to do but you're not moving because you have no idea where to start. That awkward moment when you listen to a song and suddenly, you feel tears falling from your eyes.
This is how I am right now. Unproductive and breaking down. In my head, I know I have a lot of things to accomplish but it seems that laziness is bringing out the worst in me. I turned into a slob, something I never wanted to become. Things are just lying somewhere around my room. My bag looks like a dumping ground for papers and such. Papers are accidentally crumpled due to my laziness. I've become a bit disorganized with my schedule. My thoughts are just frantically pouring and I am not thinking well.
I want to go back. Return to how I used to live. (Except for the apartment part, it's still convenient.) I want to live my life like I can still handle things without going nuts over them. I want to feel relaxed in a way that I can face my problems head on without acting careless or reckless or stupid. I want to look up to myself as well. I want to feel happy for myself without forgetting the things I'm supposed to prioritize.
I hope that before the year ends, I can finally begin the recovery so that when the new year arrives, I'm also healed. I do not want to stay forever in this phase. I want to grow up. I want to move on. I want to let most of the unnecessary burdens go and walk my life with the important ones. Finally, I want to breathe.
This is how I am right now. Unproductive and breaking down. In my head, I know I have a lot of things to accomplish but it seems that laziness is bringing out the worst in me. I turned into a slob, something I never wanted to become. Things are just lying somewhere around my room. My bag looks like a dumping ground for papers and such. Papers are accidentally crumpled due to my laziness. I've become a bit disorganized with my schedule. My thoughts are just frantically pouring and I am not thinking well.
I want to go back. Return to how I used to live. (Except for the apartment part, it's still convenient.) I want to live my life like I can still handle things without going nuts over them. I want to feel relaxed in a way that I can face my problems head on without acting careless or reckless or stupid. I want to look up to myself as well. I want to feel happy for myself without forgetting the things I'm supposed to prioritize.
I hope that before the year ends, I can finally begin the recovery so that when the new year arrives, I'm also healed. I do not want to stay forever in this phase. I want to grow up. I want to move on. I want to let most of the unnecessary burdens go and walk my life with the important ones. Finally, I want to breathe.
"You can breathe today."
(Courtesy of YouTube and Octone Records)
Saturday, December 10, 2011
About to E-X-P-L-O-D-E
I'm emotionally on the verge of cracking up right now. It is weird that I always get cranky and sometimes, I end up doing something reckless and shitty that it reaches to the point of regret. What I'm going through right now may look like hell to me but it is still petty to adults. It's nothing to them because they all say they've been there and they've done it but that's beside the point.
My head is spinning and I am getting restless. You have been reading the same old whines over and over again and this time, I'm this close to exploding. This frakking close. I am shutting down. My mind is shutting down and I am not liking this. Who does? I guess I had too much happiness that my mind is finally getting lazy.
But why now? Why this semester? It's already the last semester of my college life and I'm frakking shutting down. I could totally use some time alone to think and maybe a day with someone to talk to. I think I can't talk to my best friend as we have this tendency to set the atmosphere into something heavy and too serious that I can't bear.
I want to talk to someone who can enlighten me without thinking of anything like what I'm going through is ridiculous to that person. I want to talk to someone who can assure to me that everything will really be okay without giving too much advice and bombarding my head with it. I want to be relaxed when I talk to this someone. I want to lean my head on her shoulder and if and when I cry, I want her to hug me and let me cry while I still can.
Maybe it's finally time I should get a girlfriend. A real one. I can use some other form of happiness here.
My head is spinning and I am getting restless. You have been reading the same old whines over and over again and this time, I'm this close to exploding. This frakking close. I am shutting down. My mind is shutting down and I am not liking this. Who does? I guess I had too much happiness that my mind is finally getting lazy.
But why now? Why this semester? It's already the last semester of my college life and I'm frakking shutting down. I could totally use some time alone to think and maybe a day with someone to talk to. I think I can't talk to my best friend as we have this tendency to set the atmosphere into something heavy and too serious that I can't bear.
I want to talk to someone who can enlighten me without thinking of anything like what I'm going through is ridiculous to that person. I want to talk to someone who can assure to me that everything will really be okay without giving too much advice and bombarding my head with it. I want to be relaxed when I talk to this someone. I want to lean my head on her shoulder and if and when I cry, I want her to hug me and let me cry while I still can.
Maybe it's finally time I should get a girlfriend. A real one. I can use some other form of happiness here.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Ironic
It's ironic that though the Christmas break is coming and everyone's excited, I'm not even that excited because I know I'll have little time to rest. It's ironic that people in my home are having fun celebrating the feast day of our hometown's patron while my face looks cynically blank.
It's ironic that the things that makes us weak in the present will make us stronger in the future. Sometimes, it's also ironic that when I talk to my best friend, I thought things will get lighter but unfortunately, it gets heavier and more dramatic.
It's also ironic that even if I love the ironies of life, it still hurts me deeply. I can laugh about it but it takes time though. I want to take a rest from this pain, from this ordeal. I want to escape, even for a day, somewhere quiet.
My posts are getting redundant once again. No need to remind me. I guess I should take a break from all this. Focus on something else. Let me breathe for heaven's ass' sake.
It's ironic that the things that makes us weak in the present will make us stronger in the future. Sometimes, it's also ironic that when I talk to my best friend, I thought things will get lighter but unfortunately, it gets heavier and more dramatic.
It's also ironic that even if I love the ironies of life, it still hurts me deeply. I can laugh about it but it takes time though. I want to take a rest from this pain, from this ordeal. I want to escape, even for a day, somewhere quiet.
My posts are getting redundant once again. No need to remind me. I guess I should take a break from all this. Focus on something else. Let me breathe for heaven's ass' sake.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 2 (Brain Storm)
No, this is not the brainstorm where we share thoughts and ideas and stuffs. This is the literal brain storm, as in surge of thoughts are rushing simultaneously in my brain. They're swirling in this vortex and pounding my brain against my skull like some tumor but of course, I don't have any tumor in my head... Not that I'm aware of.
It's all the same old whine you've been reading here. I'm pressured. I'm stressed. And I am tired. Jaded. Exhausted. (I'm going dramatic... Ugh. Curse this sh*t.) Yet, there are a lot of things to be done. Like I said before, there is no more room, no more time to take a deep breath. No more time to sit and think. No more space to just stare at the sun, stare at the clouds, stare at the vast fields (if there's one in this urban jungle). There's basically no more time for myself.
Every time I turn and look somewhere else, there's always the school works. There's always the petty drama of my life. There's always the sappy, emotional torment. They are the claws that want to rip me to shreds, figuratively speaking.
Then, there's the time. It's moving fast yet the time we have is pretty short and we'll never notice the time passing by, sneaking behind us until it bites us in the ass. I know we have a lot of breaks and I should be thankful about it but unfortunately, I can't smile about it. We unfortunately have some school works so there's technically little time to rest. Well, I guess it all ends up in time management.
I'm also drowning in school works. I have to bear the fact that I'll just be stressed no matter where I look at it. Of course, I know the association of stress to school works but I'm concerned about the degree or level of stress I'll get from these school works. I want to decrease the stress because I'm still young and these problems seem to be a bit meager to adults. I still have a lot to experience so what if I finally stepped into the real world and I'm already worn out?
This is the last semester. After this, say hello to the real world where pain is more real than high school or college. I'm supposed to enhance myself and be more mature about things and stuff but yeah, I'm falling apart. I'm messed up. I'm sh*tty as crap. I'm totally lost. My mind can't think straight these past few days. If you see me by the corridors, my face either looks blank or bleak. My genuine or real laughter is going to the rarity side these days.
I thought things will finally work out the way I saw it before the semester started but due to my stubbornness and some other factors, I failed. I must kick my ass first before I can start moving.
(Looks like I spilled my problems here. A bit of inconsistency with Part 1.)
It's all the same old whine you've been reading here. I'm pressured. I'm stressed. And I am tired. Jaded. Exhausted. (I'm going dramatic... Ugh. Curse this sh*t.) Yet, there are a lot of things to be done. Like I said before, there is no more room, no more time to take a deep breath. No more time to sit and think. No more space to just stare at the sun, stare at the clouds, stare at the vast fields (if there's one in this urban jungle). There's basically no more time for myself.
Every time I turn and look somewhere else, there's always the school works. There's always the petty drama of my life. There's always the sappy, emotional torment. They are the claws that want to rip me to shreds, figuratively speaking.
Then, there's the time. It's moving fast yet the time we have is pretty short and we'll never notice the time passing by, sneaking behind us until it bites us in the ass. I know we have a lot of breaks and I should be thankful about it but unfortunately, I can't smile about it. We unfortunately have some school works so there's technically little time to rest. Well, I guess it all ends up in time management.
I'm also drowning in school works. I have to bear the fact that I'll just be stressed no matter where I look at it. Of course, I know the association of stress to school works but I'm concerned about the degree or level of stress I'll get from these school works. I want to decrease the stress because I'm still young and these problems seem to be a bit meager to adults. I still have a lot to experience so what if I finally stepped into the real world and I'm already worn out?
This is the last semester. After this, say hello to the real world where pain is more real than high school or college. I'm supposed to enhance myself and be more mature about things and stuff but yeah, I'm falling apart. I'm messed up. I'm sh*tty as crap. I'm totally lost. My mind can't think straight these past few days. If you see me by the corridors, my face either looks blank or bleak. My genuine or real laughter is going to the rarity side these days.
I thought things will finally work out the way I saw it before the semester started but due to my stubbornness and some other factors, I failed. I must kick my ass first before I can start moving.
(Looks like I spilled my problems here. A bit of inconsistency with Part 1.)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The Blame Game
The efforts of us students are not enough to enhance our knowledge. An additional push from mentors is also needed to give students the motivation to study. But from what I'm seeing, it's all going down. I don't know who I should blame but there are three things or sides I've come up.
First is the school. The school may have a diverse roster of faculty who practice what they are supposed to teach but there are instances where a practitioner can't communicate what he or she is supposed to teach. I don't know if he or she is somewhat forced to teach a subject because the school's faculty is not enough. What I mean is the school lacks mentors who are good in their fields and can properly teach what they know.
We then have the mentors. There are a few mentors who have that kind of quality in my realm. That one good quality that I mentioned above by the way. Some just know how to talk the talk but they have little to no experience of the application of what they teach and it goes to a situation where the mentor just rambles on and on but he or she is not making any sense at all.
There are times when mentors just find ways or events to cite examples of what they are supposed to elaborate. Some mentors rely too much on books to guide them. What about what they actually know about the subject?
Of course, who can forget about mentors who have no idea what to do at all? What's worse is that they hold the students' fates to finish education but they are not doing anything except for wasting time and air and making students' lives miserable. It sucks that they are the ones to be looked up to but some of them act like they don't. It's just disappointing.
And we finally have the students. Of course, we have a role in this game of blame. Most of us are focusing too much on, I don't know, the social aspect of college. It's like we're still breathing in the same air of high school. I know it's good to make connections and stuff but we don't have to neglect the privilege to learn and pick up new knowledge that is vital to the next chapter of our lives which unfolds after graduation. (What I said also pierced my mind.) We need this push from our mentors but we also need to push ourselves if their push is not enough. If you can't be motivated by your mentor, find motivation somewhere else.
I know this rant may offend some people. If it doesn't, well, it's nice because it's not meant to offend someone. I just want to wake myself up because I'm in an academic mess and I hope this will be my eye-opener or something.
First is the school. The school may have a diverse roster of faculty who practice what they are supposed to teach but there are instances where a practitioner can't communicate what he or she is supposed to teach. I don't know if he or she is somewhat forced to teach a subject because the school's faculty is not enough. What I mean is the school lacks mentors who are good in their fields and can properly teach what they know.
We then have the mentors. There are a few mentors who have that kind of quality in my realm. That one good quality that I mentioned above by the way. Some just know how to talk the talk but they have little to no experience of the application of what they teach and it goes to a situation where the mentor just rambles on and on but he or she is not making any sense at all.
There are times when mentors just find ways or events to cite examples of what they are supposed to elaborate. Some mentors rely too much on books to guide them. What about what they actually know about the subject?
Of course, who can forget about mentors who have no idea what to do at all? What's worse is that they hold the students' fates to finish education but they are not doing anything except for wasting time and air and making students' lives miserable. It sucks that they are the ones to be looked up to but some of them act like they don't. It's just disappointing.
And we finally have the students. Of course, we have a role in this game of blame. Most of us are focusing too much on, I don't know, the social aspect of college. It's like we're still breathing in the same air of high school. I know it's good to make connections and stuff but we don't have to neglect the privilege to learn and pick up new knowledge that is vital to the next chapter of our lives which unfolds after graduation. (What I said also pierced my mind.) We need this push from our mentors but we also need to push ourselves if their push is not enough. If you can't be motivated by your mentor, find motivation somewhere else.
I know this rant may offend some people. If it doesn't, well, it's nice because it's not meant to offend someone. I just want to wake myself up because I'm in an academic mess and I hope this will be my eye-opener or something.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
My Own Saga: Breaking Down Part 1
This is the time of stress. It's just the preliminary term and I already looked like a burn-out. My mind is fried. Stress is everywhere and problems that I'm not supposed to entertain find their way to my eyes. I don't even know why they keep popping in front of me.
I will not elaborate these problems. If I do it here, what's the sense of talking personally if I already spilled the stuff here?
Anyway, I know it sounds weak but I'd like to get out of my normal life even just for a while, even if I need to be catatonic for a week. Just a week is all I ask. I want to shut my mind down and just enjoy my life for once. It's been my whine for a while. Are you getting sick of my whines? :D I kid. Still, you can let me know.
I want to sit on a recliner or even spend some time in a beach, just watching the tides go by or better yet, just lie down on the grass in some mountain top and just feel the cool breeze as I watch the clouds drifting slowly. But there's no place like these here unfortunately. All I see are concrete buildings for trees, smoke and smug for fog and mist, car horns for birds chirping and contaminated wind for the cool breeze. There's no room to set my eyes and mind for some rest and tranquility.
It just saddens me to see all these while I live the ideal, complicated life of a college student. The last thing I need is hearing a Justin Bieber song near my ears. It might make me go on a frenzy.
I will not elaborate these problems. If I do it here, what's the sense of talking personally if I already spilled the stuff here?
Anyway, I know it sounds weak but I'd like to get out of my normal life even just for a while, even if I need to be catatonic for a week. Just a week is all I ask. I want to shut my mind down and just enjoy my life for once. It's been my whine for a while. Are you getting sick of my whines? :D I kid. Still, you can let me know.
I want to sit on a recliner or even spend some time in a beach, just watching the tides go by or better yet, just lie down on the grass in some mountain top and just feel the cool breeze as I watch the clouds drifting slowly. But there's no place like these here unfortunately. All I see are concrete buildings for trees, smoke and smug for fog and mist, car horns for birds chirping and contaminated wind for the cool breeze. There's no room to set my eyes and mind for some rest and tranquility.
It just saddens me to see all these while I live the ideal, complicated life of a college student. The last thing I need is hearing a Justin Bieber song near my ears. It might make me go on a frenzy.
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