There are a lot of things I want to do but unfortunately, I reached the time when things are now complicated and there's no more room to breathe, loosen up and explore. It just sucks to realize at this time that I'm not living my life to the fullest. A lot of things can be blamed but I have myself to be ultimately pointed at.
I got used too much in living an "uptight" life, trying to follow and impress my parents I guess. Now that I'm living on my own, sort of, I find it hard to explore new things but I am trying to grasp new experiences especially the things I can never do if I still live in my home. It sucks that I failed to maximize this newly-gained freedom. Right now, I have lots of regrets in the things I failed to do.
Last night, I got one of the biggest slaps in my existence from a college mate. Almost every single word he said to me pierced like arrows to my head and the sentences that are still echoing inside my head left me teary-eyed. He made me realize the things I just said above. He also made me realize that (not the exact words but from what I understood) what if I never got the chance to explore life, how can I be capable of making decisions, especially the biggest, life-changing decisions I'll make in the future.
*sigh*
Another thing he made me realize is that sometimes, I need to open up and start loving and trusting myself for others to accept and trust me as well. Insecurities have become one of the constant things on earth besides change and we have to accept these insecurities because they'll become our stepping stones for the changes we seek to reap from ourselves. If we accept these insecurities in us, we can begin to change ourselves and people will see the better half of ourselves. Most of the time, people should adjust to us but not all of the time, they'll adjust for us so we have to adjust for them as well.
Thanks to that person for opening my eyes and enlightening me even if it's a bit late. He's one of the coolest people I met in college and I admire him for his wisdom and strength.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Bottled Up Inside
I think I went overboard yesterday. Lots of overthinking. Pressured, stressed, tired. I'm an emotional train wreck. What the hell is going on with me? Last night, I just shut myself out, went to the balcony of our apartment and just stared at a distance, at the people, at the night sky. Then I had this realization.
I'm not going suicidal with this. Suicide is just overrated. What I mean is that I got no one to talk to with my problems. People have been running to me with their problems and I help them get through their ordeals. I have no problem with that but I think I had a little too much...? They've all bottled up inside me and somehow took me over. Now I feel helpless to the point that I have no idea who I can talk to.
I feel like I want to talk to a stranger like a psychiatrist. Especially a psychiatrist. I feel that I can talk to him or her with my thoughts as he or she sits on a chair listening intently. He or she won't think anything bad about me and he or she will give me advice and just that, as simple as that. Nothing will be broken.
Sorry if this post is just too negative or dark and a bit inconsistent in terms of sense. Just expressing myself.
No one can help me.
I'm not going suicidal with this. Suicide is just overrated. What I mean is that I got no one to talk to with my problems. People have been running to me with their problems and I help them get through their ordeals. I have no problem with that but I think I had a little too much...? They've all bottled up inside me and somehow took me over. Now I feel helpless to the point that I have no idea who I can talk to.
I feel like I want to talk to a stranger like a psychiatrist. Especially a psychiatrist. I feel that I can talk to him or her with my thoughts as he or she sits on a chair listening intently. He or she won't think anything bad about me and he or she will give me advice and just that, as simple as that. Nothing will be broken.
Sorry if this post is just too negative or dark and a bit inconsistent in terms of sense. Just expressing myself.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
In The Dark
Like what I said in my previous post, a lot of thoughts pop in my head recently and as a result, it was pretty distracting and unnecessary. I don't even know why I keep on dwelling on these thoughts that I should not bother. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. It just sucks that our country does not prefer to that solution because they think that if we all smile, the problems will go away. Well, unfortunately, some will not unless we do something about it. And I consider seeing a psychiatrist as a solution but money hinders me to see one.
These thoughts still bother me. My mind keeps on thinking about them until they take over in such an unnecessary moment. Totally knocks me off-course. This is not how I usually work and live. I usually do not think of such because I thought some of them were a bit superficial. (As some of my friends know, superficial has been coming out of my mouth for a week.) It's not totally me. (Ugh. I hate this sentence though I must comply as it applies to the situation.)
Right now, as I write this post in the dark, literally, they still swim around my mind but they're not dormant anymore. I just wish to get out of this phase before the time gets serious or else I would be in serious trouble with myself and other stuffs.
These thoughts still bother me. My mind keeps on thinking about them until they take over in such an unnecessary moment. Totally knocks me off-course. This is not how I usually work and live. I usually do not think of such because I thought some of them were a bit superficial. (As some of my friends know, superficial has been coming out of my mouth for a week.) It's not totally me. (Ugh. I hate this sentence though I must comply as it applies to the situation.)
Right now, as I write this post in the dark, literally, they still swim around my mind but they're not dormant anymore. I just wish to get out of this phase before the time gets serious or else I would be in serious trouble with myself and other stuffs.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
People Are People
I'm feeling a little woozy right now and my head is feeling heavy. No, I'm not drunk. I just have a lot of things inside my head and the feeling is killing me like crap.
ABSURDITY.
COMPLEXITY.
CONFUSION.
Things like these, they have their way of driving me insane. First is the absurdity. From what I've seen yesterday, most people expect something special or I'd like to think as superficial. Yeah, the date yesterday was 11-11-11. I'd like to ask them, "So what?" I'm being a kill-joy again but yeah, it just pains me to see people expecting something great as if something magical will happen on that day. The sight was just like saying to a kid that there is no frakking Santa Claus which is really true. There is no Santa Claus. Going back, it just sucks that people expect something from a date when they have to worry about something else more rational than this.
Then, I have complexity. A lot of people told me and made me realize that I'm over-complicating things sometimes as I tend to over-analyze things, even the simplest of things. That's why it hits me the hardest. But of course, it pains me when the roles have been turned. As I tend to over-think, I'm consequently making my life a bit harder. Notice that this part is also complicated, it almost made no sense and I'm going astray. It's really complicated. Very frakking complicated. Schedules are getting complicated. Complicated choices and such. It is really making my mind go nuts.
Finally, there is this confusion. I'd like not to talk about it here. You have to respect that and it's really wearing me down that when I think about it, it's making me more and more insane. Not literally insane, okay? Just tormented.
ABSURDITY.
COMPLEXITY.
CONFUSION.
Things like these, they have their way of driving me insane. First is the absurdity. From what I've seen yesterday, most people expect something special or I'd like to think as superficial. Yeah, the date yesterday was 11-11-11. I'd like to ask them, "So what?" I'm being a kill-joy again but yeah, it just pains me to see people expecting something great as if something magical will happen on that day. The sight was just like saying to a kid that there is no frakking Santa Claus which is really true. There is no Santa Claus. Going back, it just sucks that people expect something from a date when they have to worry about something else more rational than this.
Then, I have complexity. A lot of people told me and made me realize that I'm over-complicating things sometimes as I tend to over-analyze things, even the simplest of things. That's why it hits me the hardest. But of course, it pains me when the roles have been turned. As I tend to over-think, I'm consequently making my life a bit harder. Notice that this part is also complicated, it almost made no sense and I'm going astray. It's really complicated. Very frakking complicated. Schedules are getting complicated. Complicated choices and such. It is really making my mind go nuts.
Finally, there is this confusion. I'd like not to talk about it here. You have to respect that and it's really wearing me down that when I think about it, it's making me more and more insane. Not literally insane, okay? Just tormented.
Friday, November 4, 2011
First Day of the End (Carpe Diem)
Two days ago, the second semester begun. My last semester as a college student. Hopefully. When my Public Relations professor dismissed our class saying that this semester is so short, I realized that I need to seize every day.
CARPE DIEM.
We all know the saying. We all know what it means. Life has a lot of deadlines. It has a lot of ends but of course the ends I'm talking about are not about ending the biological function of a body but the phases we go through as we progress in life. Knowing these ends, we must take chances and do whatever we want to do, should do, and must do. Obviously, adults wants us to focus on the responsibilities.
Yeah, I won't forget my responsibilities but it's nice to lose control sometimes. Letting go of the steering wheel and have fun because after the 5 months that we'll never notice to have transpired, it's time to bid farewell to the memories we made for the past four years as a college student.
We can have fun while working but the level of fun is never the same. I know that when we step outside the real world, most of what we did in college will be considered as childish or sometimes, embarrassing and even worse. disturbing.
It sucks that I realize this just now though I know a lot of my friends have been trying to shove CARPE DIEM in my head. I have been too cautious of my life, planning too much and going on a routine too much even though I know that most of the times, my small plans for the day will just be screwed up.
So now, I will try my hardest to have fun while studying. There should be no room for drowning myself in loneliness but I will not get lost in paradise. (Had to use that phrase.) I will try to balance happiness and seriousness in order for me to be more productive and motivated because of the goal that we are trying to accomplish and that is to finish studying.
Once again, if you think I'm getting incoherent or inconsistent, notify me through leaving comments. Thank you very much. :)
CARPE DIEM.
We all know the saying. We all know what it means. Life has a lot of deadlines. It has a lot of ends but of course the ends I'm talking about are not about ending the biological function of a body but the phases we go through as we progress in life. Knowing these ends, we must take chances and do whatever we want to do, should do, and must do. Obviously, adults wants us to focus on the responsibilities.
Yeah, I won't forget my responsibilities but it's nice to lose control sometimes. Letting go of the steering wheel and have fun because after the 5 months that we'll never notice to have transpired, it's time to bid farewell to the memories we made for the past four years as a college student.
We can have fun while working but the level of fun is never the same. I know that when we step outside the real world, most of what we did in college will be considered as childish or sometimes, embarrassing and even worse. disturbing.
It sucks that I realize this just now though I know a lot of my friends have been trying to shove CARPE DIEM in my head. I have been too cautious of my life, planning too much and going on a routine too much even though I know that most of the times, my small plans for the day will just be screwed up.
So now, I will try my hardest to have fun while studying. There should be no room for drowning myself in loneliness but I will not get lost in paradise. (Had to use that phrase.) I will try to balance happiness and seriousness in order for me to be more productive and motivated because of the goal that we are trying to accomplish and that is to finish studying.
Once again, if you think I'm getting incoherent or inconsistent, notify me through leaving comments. Thank you very much. :)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The Change
Title sounds familiar? It's because it came from one of the songs of Evanescence from their third, self-titled album and I'm loving it. I bought it two Sundays ago and I can't stop listening to it. "The Change" became one of my favorite songs off the album. But I'm not here to talk about the song. So let's get this show rolling...
The second semester of my senior life will start tomorrow. Another semester means another 5 months of pressure and suffering in academics with some laughs and mishaps along the way. Like I said in my post before, there will be changes.
Some of my previous mates transferred to another block, starting their semester anew with their freedom. I just got emancipated this previous semester. I acquired some new perspectives and I met different personalities that I never expect to mingle harmoniously. I also never expected to enjoy their company actually. The atmosphere when I'm with them is pretty light and I actually look forward to coming to school because of them.
Anyway, one of the changes I'll be trying to implement myself is to try to get out of my comfort zone, meaning I'll try to be as approachable as I can because this semester, I'm on my own now and I have to learn how to deal with other people properly and without getting the awkwardness. I'll need it when I finally get out of college.
The second change I'll try is to loosen up a little. People see me as someone who is serious all the time and people find me inapproachable because of that. Though I need to learn how to loosen up. Gah.
I'll also be more competitive and active like what I said to another previous post but I will not try to harm anyone and I will not become desperate because I want a clean and fair competition. What I mean in the competition is the academics.
It will be hard to adjust myself into what I'm planning to change but I'll really need it as I face the real world after college life ends.
The second semester of my senior life will start tomorrow. Another semester means another 5 months of pressure and suffering in academics with some laughs and mishaps along the way. Like I said in my post before, there will be changes.
Some of my previous mates transferred to another block, starting their semester anew with their freedom. I just got emancipated this previous semester. I acquired some new perspectives and I met different personalities that I never expect to mingle harmoniously. I also never expected to enjoy their company actually. The atmosphere when I'm with them is pretty light and I actually look forward to coming to school because of them.
Anyway, one of the changes I'll be trying to implement myself is to try to get out of my comfort zone, meaning I'll try to be as approachable as I can because this semester, I'm on my own now and I have to learn how to deal with other people properly and without getting the awkwardness. I'll need it when I finally get out of college.
The second change I'll try is to loosen up a little. People see me as someone who is serious all the time and people find me inapproachable because of that. Though I need to learn how to loosen up. Gah.
I'll also be more competitive and active like what I said to another previous post but I will not try to harm anyone and I will not become desperate because I want a clean and fair competition. What I mean in the competition is the academics.
It will be hard to adjust myself into what I'm planning to change but I'll really need it as I face the real world after college life ends.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Halloween
It's the 31st of October right now and we all know what is going on today. It's Halloween. Yay. It's the day where fear is finally celebrated and ghouls and other supernatural entities are glorified to some extent... unless you're in a cult that worships something that can threaten mankind to its extinction. (Forgive my sick imagination.)
It only comes once a year just like Christmas but unlike Christmas, people here in my place are not preparing for it so I can't really feel the presence of Halloween. With Christmas, people are already excited as September approaches and Christmas is still three damn months away! I can already hear Christmas songs playing in malls and on the radio as early as September. Ugh. "Not now" is the sentence that pops in my head when I hear Christmas songs that early. I know. I'm being a killjoy but please. Not now.
It sucks that Halloween is never felt here. October 31st is just like Christmas Eve here where everyone has no work or classes but there's nothing much going on at night in most areas except when you're living in some high-standard village or if your place even cares to celebrate such holiday.
Instead, we celebrate a holiday called All Saints' Day on November 1st. It's part of our tradition to go to cemeteries on that day and spend the whole day honoring the memories of those who once lived. Candles and flowers on the dead's tombstone. Families on their tents eating and chatting. That is what the cemeteries look like every 1st of November. Most people enjoy it, I guess. But for me, it's getting a little boring lately. It's been the same people I've been seeing since I was young. There's nothing in hell that I can do except to wait for the night to come to make my companions pack up and call it a day.
When we get home, we light a candle outside our home once again in honor of the dead and that's about it. That's how we celebrate Halloween here. It's a little lame in my opinion but that's the way it is here.
It only comes once a year just like Christmas but unlike Christmas, people here in my place are not preparing for it so I can't really feel the presence of Halloween. With Christmas, people are already excited as September approaches and Christmas is still three damn months away! I can already hear Christmas songs playing in malls and on the radio as early as September. Ugh. "Not now" is the sentence that pops in my head when I hear Christmas songs that early. I know. I'm being a killjoy but please. Not now.
It sucks that Halloween is never felt here. October 31st is just like Christmas Eve here where everyone has no work or classes but there's nothing much going on at night in most areas except when you're living in some high-standard village or if your place even cares to celebrate such holiday.
Instead, we celebrate a holiday called All Saints' Day on November 1st. It's part of our tradition to go to cemeteries on that day and spend the whole day honoring the memories of those who once lived. Candles and flowers on the dead's tombstone. Families on their tents eating and chatting. That is what the cemeteries look like every 1st of November. Most people enjoy it, I guess. But for me, it's getting a little boring lately. It's been the same people I've been seeing since I was young. There's nothing in hell that I can do except to wait for the night to come to make my companions pack up and call it a day.
When we get home, we light a candle outside our home once again in honor of the dead and that's about it. That's how we celebrate Halloween here. It's a little lame in my opinion but that's the way it is here.
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